


A Lonely Place

by RedMetalWitch



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alcohol, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crash Landing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Force Bond (Star Wars), Forced Orgasm, Forced Prostitution, Hurt/Comfort, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren Redemption, Multi, Nightmares, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Painful Sex, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape/Non-con Elements, Serious Injuries, Sexual Slavery, Suicidal Thoughts, Trauma, accidental injury, no beta we die like droids
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:40:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 66,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23788720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedMetalWitch/pseuds/RedMetalWitch
Summary: He was not trying to call out to her, he couldn't help himself.  Everything was hazy and fragmented.  She couldn't see him like before, but his emotions and thoughts were mostly clear.  Someone was hurting him.  She was grateful she could not feel the actual pain he was experiencing, but only a phantom of ham-sized fists striking him repeatedly, those same hands wrenching his head back by his hair.  Then electrical currents raced through his body until he screamed.  Again and again he was shocked.  And then he couldn't breathe.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 140
Kudos: 110





	1. Chapter 1

Kylo awoke feeling sicker than he had ever remembered feeling. He moaned as his stomach heaved. _'What is wrong with me?'_ He wondered in irritation. Had he eaten something bad? He couldn't remember. He knew he hadn't gotten drunk, he would at least remember part of the night. He didn't remember drinking anything. The last thing he remembered was training. Had he been drugged?

He had taken plenty of beatings in his life, had over exerted himself, or had been punished by Snoke for his perceived failures, but never had he felt such horrible nausea and gut-wrenching pain. He opened his eyes with a moan and the world was spinning, his head pounding viciously. His eyes slammed shut and he tried to breathe deep and will the sick feeling away.

"Awake at last! For a while there I thought you might never wake up." An unfamiliar voice chuckled. He sat up slowly, shivering. He felt something sharp and heavy around his neck. He gasped when he reached up and felt a collar. He tugged at it and an agonizing shock went through his body. His entire body went rigid and he bit back a scream. "Yeah, don't touch that. Unless you enjoy being shocked. And from the look of it, you didn't. Now, I'm sure you're confused so I'm going to explain this very clearly: You are now my property. And anything I want you to do, you will do. Shocking you with the collar is the least I can do. I was told you're a Force user, but if you try any of that shit, the collar will shock you too." 

Kylo shook his head. Nothing made sense. No one owned him. He was not property. He wanted to laugh, but retched instead. He drew several more deep breaths and finally looked at his captor. The man was a mountain. He made Kylo feel small. His skin was pale, his eyes blue, and his hair was flaming red. His face looked vaguely familiar. He shivered again and glanced down at himself. He was completely naked. He gasped and felt a blush rising across his cheeks. The man before him chuckled as Kylo showed him his back in an effort to preserve his modesty, despite how nervous it made him.

He was so confused. What had happened? How had he gotten here? He could barely remember the previous day. "Now, let's have some fun." The huge man said. Kylo scrambled back as the man reached for him, his eyes wide, his breath quickening.

"Don't touch me!" He hissed, trying not to panic. The man chuckled and began unbuckling his belt. "You can't do this! You don't own me!" Kylo was as far away as the chain allowed him, but the man merely grinned as he pulled his cock out and began to stroke it. Kylo backed into a corner, his eyes huge, his chest heaving.

"But I do." The man said and he groaned. Kylo flinched at the sound.

"No! No one owns me! I'm -" He kicked out violently with a cry when he felt a hand on his ankle.

"Yes, beautiful boy. I own you. You are mine. And when I'm done with you, people are going to pay me to fuck you. And I'm going to let them. And so are you." Kylo began shaking, first his hands, then his whole body was vibrating. He was gasping, his eyes darting around the room, looking anywhere but at the man pleasuring himself and drawing closer.

When he grabbed Kylo again it was with both hands and Kylo lashed out again only to feel another bolt of electricity sear through him. He screamed through clenched teeth, and the moment the shock ended he was being pummeled by thick fists. The first blow to the top of his head left him dazed from the pain, then a firm hand in his hair held him in place while another fist slammed into his cheek. Several blows to his side left a rib cracked and Kylo struggling to breathe. Then he grabbed Kylo's cock and squeezed, nails digging into his flesh and the bastard laughed at his strangled cry.

"Stop fighting or I will cut your balls off." He said with a crooked grin. Kylo held as still as he could, but he was still trembling violently. "This is going to happen for as long as I want. Whenever I want that ass, you'll give it to me. If I want you to suck my cock-" he chuckled at Kylo's horrified gasp. "You will suck my fucking cock. And if my friends want to watch, they can. If they want to fuck you, then they're going to fuck you." Kylo was gasping harder, his hands were over his ears.

"No, I can't- I just can't." he said breathlessly. He wouldn't look at the man looming over him, still groping him, his other hand going back into his pants. He lashed out again, unable to hold still any longer. Again he was shocked, and as he screamed his voice cut out when the man began to strangle him. Kylo felt his face turn red as the pressure increased. He kicked and squirmed, but the brute was strong, and Kylo was still reeling from pain and nausea. Gods he needed to breathe!  
Finally he was released and he lay gasping. His head and stomach was spinning so violently he began to gag. He cried out when a hand gripped his hair and yanked. The bones in his neck audibly ground together as he whimpered.

"What did I tell you?" The man hissed. "You're mine now! Now be a good boy and stop fighting!"

"This- This isn't real..." Kylo moaned, his eyes closing. He couldn't watch this. He couldn't bear it. If he didn't see it, then it wasn't real. It was all a dream. A terrible, horrible dream. He would wake aboard the Finalizer and everything would be the way it had been.. What, yesterday? His thoughts ground to a halt when he felt himself get flipped onto his front and felt hands on his hips. He fought mindlessly and the electric current had him seizing up and screaming not even a second later. He collapsed, boneless. He heard laughter.

"You never learn, do you?" He felt the man dripping something cold and wet against his ass and he shuddered and tried to crawl away. He was shocked again, a scream ripping from his throat. He lay still, gasping desperately.

Then he felt her. It had been months that he had been trying to reach her, to speak with her. She always shut him out. Why did she have to seek him now? Could she see him? The very thought was too horrific to contemplate. _'Don't look, Rey!'_ Kylo begged. He tried to block her out, but he could do nothing without getting shocked, but she was no longer trying to connect. He prayed it was enough.

"Don't, please, don't!" He pleaded as he felt the man's cock nudge between his cheeks.

"Aw, come on, baby! You're gonna love it!" The man crowed. " Everyone loves Alric Hux's big dick!" Kylo felt the world tilt. _'Hux... Alric Hux?!'_  
Kylo wailed as the head penetrated him. Gods it was agony!

"Ah Gods, please stop!" Kylo begged, but Alric pushed his cock in deeper as Kylo bleated in pain. "Stop! I- I can't, please!" he sobbed, but Alric groaned and snapped his hips and pushed in deeper as Kylo cried out in agony.

"My half-brother sends his regards." Alric hissed as he set a brutal pace that quickly had Kylo screaming.

Rey was busy digging through spare parts when she felt Kylo through the bond. She had been blocking him out for the better part of two months. Occasionally he would get through, begging her to speak to him and each time she refused.

This was different. He was not trying to call out to her, he couldn't help himself. Everything was hazy and fragmented. She couldn't see him like before, but his emotions and thoughts were mostly clear. Someone was hurting him. She was grateful she could not feel the actual pain he was experiencing, but only a phantom of ham-sized fists striking him repeatedly, those same hands wrenching his head back by his hair. Then electrical currents raced through his body until he screamed. Again and again he was shocked. And then he couldn't breathe.

She dropped her tools and staggered to her feet, the blood draining from her face. 

"Kylo!" She gasped, reaching out through the bond. She felt hands turning him onto his front and those same hands dragging his hips upright. He felt her reaching out and she was swamped by his panic.

 _‘Don't look, Rey!’_ He cried. He did his best to shut her out, but he was unable to close the connection completely. She felt the sickness he felt like a brief pang. His pain and fear made her head spin. And then she heard his agonized pleading to be let alone as he was brutally penetrated.  
Rey fell to her knees and began to vomit.

Rose ran across the hangar and was helping her to her feet moments later.

"Rey! Oh no! You're sick, you poor thing! " Rey tried to shake her off, but Kylo's cries had turned to a wail and she could feel her guts churning. She could almost feel the pain like a knife in her spine. But his emotions were even more intrusive, despite how he tried to block her out. He was scared, he was humiliated, he felt sick, and the pain.. She knew she would be screaming too. He struggled, he kicked, and his hair was pulled so hard, Rey knew some of it had to have been torn from his scalp.  
When the beast was finished, Kylo collapsed on the cold floor and began to sob. Rey could do nothing but cling to Rose and weep as well.

As soon as Rose helped her into her bed, the door opened and Leia stepped inside. Her face was pinched and her eyes haunted.

"Rose, be a dear and fetch Rey and myself some tea, please." Rose hurried out the door as Rey wiped at her face and shivered. "My son is still alive, I know he is. " she said the moment the door shut. Rey nodded. "Something has happened to him though." She stated.

"Yes." Rey said with a shuddering sigh. "He begged me not to look, but I didn't open the connection and he couldn't sever it completely. He was dizzy and nauseated, someone was hitting him and-" she broke off and shuddered. "They shocked him with a slave collar." Leia went white for a moment, then her face flushed with rage.

"What else?" Leia whispered. Rey closed her eyes and shook her head rapidly, her chin quivering. "Rey I have to know, or I'll go mad imagining the worst." Rey bit her lip hard in an effort not to let out another cry. She could still feel Kylo in the back of her mind and he was still crying softly, his world and heart shattered. She could not look at Leia when she uttered: "He was raped."

Leia reached out blindly, her knees shaking. Rey jumped to her feet and ushered Leia to sit beside her. "I can find him if you let me." When Leia said nothing, Rey hurried to continue. "The longer I wait the worse it will be. You know that. Women, girls like that on Jakku-"

"I know, Rey." Leia sighed. "But the last person I asked to bring him home was Han."

"You aren't asking. I am." Leia's lips trembled as she smiled, but her eyes were full of genuine relief.

Kylo was still reeling from what had happened. How had he come to this? He knew Hux was responsible, but for some reason he was shocked that he was so cowardly as to drug him and sell him off to a rapist. That the man was related was another blow, if only because he had zero interest in Hux's personal life and didn't know he had any siblings half or otherwise. Had he not been a fool, had he known his enemy, he would not be here now. He was a fool to have thought that Hux wouldn't try to get rid of him. He was a fool to have allowed Hux to live after he had killed Snoke. He had been over confident in his own abilities and he had underestimated Hux. And now he was paying for it.

He couldn't deny that he was at a disadvantage. Any prodding at the collar shocked him until he shrieked in pain. Using the Force to try and open the collar had the same effect. The towering brute who had raped him even had a remote that could shock Kylo whenever he wanted his compliance, or just felt like making him hurt.  
The room he was in was dark and cool, and not for the first time, Kylo wondered where he was. The walls were a dirty white with small windows set up high. There was one door, across from him, with a filthy view port. The floor was strewn with empty packing crates and some that were stuffed with scrap parts. Some shelves set up farthest from him were stuffed with wires in smaller containers. One clear container appeared to be filled with bones. Kylo wasn't sure what to think about that.  
He lay on what was not quite a mattress. It was lumpy and uneven, but it was better than the floor. There were old pillows set around the mattress, shaping it like a nest. Some were thin and lumpy, some were over stuffed and hard. The bedding was spotted with his blood and when he realized it was from being speared by another man's cock he couldn't stop more tears from falling, despite how it enraged him. He would kill that man with his bare hands. The shame that he'd been unable to fight him off made him feel sick. He hadn't felt so powerless since the last time Snoke had punished him brutally. And even that twisted bastard had never touched him sexually. And the knowledge that Rey had surely realized what had happened made a whimper slip out before he could stifle it. What would she think of him after this? What kind of man allowed himself to be brutalized in such a manner? He should have fought harder. He wasn't helpless without the Force. A part of him knew that whatever drugs or poison had rendered him unconscious had nearly crippled him with sickness, but he refused to acknowledge that.

As soon as the bastard had left him he'd begun to vomit and choke even as he wept. Thankfully there was a small toilet behind a divider next to the bedding. After, he crawled to the lumpy bed and lay quietly under a threadbare blanket several times mended, his eyes still dripping tears.

When he woke it was dark and he had just enough light from a small lamp he hadn't seen before to see a different man in the room pawing at him. Kylo punched him in the face, smiling when his nose broke and he fell back, howling. The thick, metal door slid open and there he stood again, tall and foreboding, his blue eyes flashing. Kylo glared at Alric despite his growing nervousness. He refused to be cowed, and he would never submit willingly. The sickness had passed and he would fight the moment he was touched.

"Look what he did! I want my money back!" The man with the broken nose bellowed.

"What makes you think I offer refunds?" His captor sneered. "Just relax. I'll take care of him." Kylo pressed his back more firmly against the wall behind him with every word they spoke. His breath was coming fast and his hands began to shake. He clenched them into fists as his eyes darted back and forth between the two. His captor reached into his pocket and Kylo gasped, biting his lip.

He screamed as pain tore through him. His entire body seized and convulsed. When the pain stopped he tasted blood. His tongue throbbed in time with his pounding heart. Then a boot rammed into his stomach. He would have vomited if he had anything left in his stomach. Then blows were raining down on him. He curled up as much as he could, his arms up to shield his head.

When they finally stopped he could barely breathe. The cracked rib was now broken, he could feel it. He heard the drawn out moan he couldn't hold back and then he was being maneuvered onto his knees again. He kicked weakly, sobbing in panic.

"No!" He whimpered, trying to scramble away. The chain attached to his collar was tugged and he screamed as he was shocked again. He lay gasping, unable to support his own weight. His stomach was churning again. His muscles seized and twitched.

"There we go!" His captor said. Kylo could hear his smug satisfaction over his own gasps. "He can't hurt you now."

She couldn't find him without opening the bond. Even just briefly, just long enough to get a sense, a direction to head in. She knew he was the one trying to keep her out now, but she refused to fail. She didn't know why she was so terrified for him. He had hurt so many people. He was basically the First Order's attack dog. The Jedi Killer, he was named. So why did his fear make her feel sick? Why did his tears make her heart ache? Why did she need to save him?

It wasn't just that he had saved her life, it went deeper than that. It wasn't Leia, either. Rey wasn't sure Leia actually wanted to see her son. And she couldn't blame her for that. She didn't know what she would do when she found him, where they would go. She couldn't give a reason to the urgency driving her. But she knew she couldn't sit back and watch him suffer. What if he was badly hurt? With that in mind she took her entire supply of Bacta and shoved it in a satchel she'd made from scraps of fabric. She packed all the rations she had hoarded over the last two months. She packed her meager clothes and then set about finding an outfit that would fit someone Kylo's size. It wasn't easy, but she found a pair of gray coveralls with paint stains all over them, but nothing else was in his size, not even a pair of under shorts. It was irritating, but beggars couldn't be choosers.

With her small freighter packed up, fueled, and ready to go, all that was left was to say goodbye. She found Finn and Rose first. They sat together eating lunch and smiled brightly when she sat in front of them. For a moment she just sat there, unsure what to say.

"What's up, Rey?" Finn said after noticing her pensive expression.

"I have to leave for a few days. Maybe weeks. I'm not sure." she replied. Rose and Finn exchanged a glance as if Rey wasn't right there in front of them to see it.

"Where are you going?" Rose asked.

"A friend needs my help." Was all she would reveal.

"When will you be back?" Finn demanded, wringing his hands.

"Before you know it." She lied. Their smiles were forced and she knew it. Her vagueness made them worry. She felt a sinking in her gut. A part of her wasn't sure if she would ever see them again.

Poe was even more suspicious and did nothing to hide it. Frankly, it pissed Rey off. What had she done to earn such mistrust?

"Why should you get a ship? You think we just have spares lying around? We need you, Rey!" He said, his eyes flashing.

"I have the General's approval." Rey argued, refusing to back down. Poe scowled but reluctantly nodded.

"Just.. Try and be quick about it, yeah?" Poe said, his expression more concerned than irritated.

"Oh, I will." Rey agreed. She would do everything in her power to find Kylo as quickly as possible.

He lay still, his eyes wide in shock, huddled under the blanket. After he had broken that man's nose, Alric had held him down while the bastard raped Kylo. He was bleeding again, he could feel the warm wetness oozing between his thighs. He hurt everywhere, but worse than the physical pain was the shame and humiliation that was suffocating him. He had to escape, but unless he got the collar off, he would not get far. He suddenly felt Rey poking at the edges of the bond, and without conscious decision he opened his end, desperate for a distraction.

"Kylo!" She gasped, kneeling next to him. "Where are you? I'm coming for you, just tell me where you are." Kylo felt the corner of his mouth twitch upward in a strained smile.

"I don't know, Rey. But I don't understand.. " he trailed off as she sat beside him and slowly reached out. He knew she didn't have any intentions of hurting him, but still he flinched. "I'm sorry." He murmured, his cheeks flushing in shame.

"Don't apologize, Kylo. But what don't you understand?"

"Why would you help me?" Rey looked aghast.

"If you knew this was happening to me, would you just leave me there?" Kylo shook his head rapidly, his eyes haunted. "Well, can you tell me anything about where you are?" Kylo shook his head again.

"I woke up here. I can't use the Force to find out, if I try to use it for any reason the collar shocks me." he shivered under the blanket, wincing at the pain in his side. "I'm not sure why it isn't shocking me right now."

"How do you find someone with the Force?" Rey asked. Kylo smiled faintly.

"Close your eyes and concentrate. You have sensed my presence before, you know what it's like-" and just like that she was gone. Kylo stared at the space she had occupied for a moment in disbelief. "Damn it." he sighed. And then a few minutes later, he felt her Force signature brush against his, and her sudden joy.  
_'I found you.'_ He heard in his mind. His smile was of pride and relief. He could only hope she wasn't far.

He awoke to a hand yanking his hair. He gasped and flailed angrily.

"This one's a fighter!" An unfamiliar voice chuckled. He felt hands grab his wrists and ankles and he began to kick and wrench his arms back.

"Oho! Lookit' 'im go!" another strange voice cried with glee.

"No!! Let me go!" Kylo snarled, thrashing violently.

"Here, try this." That was Alric speaking. The man leaned close and Kylo shut his eyes tight. Suddenly he felt hands around his neck, choking him again. He tried to kick, but he was held fast. He heard a crack and then his neck was released. He gasped harshly and a sharp chemical taste flooded his mouth. All the strength left his limbs in a rush and he groaned as numbness settled over him. The men released him and he fell back with a whimper. He was completely at their mercy. Whatever drug he'd just been forced to inhale left him as limp as a deboned fish. He saw them begin to paw at his naked flesh, but he couldn't feel it. He closed his eyes, determined to ignore them. If he couldn't feel anything, he could pretend they weren't there.

"I wish I woulda' had some of these yesterday. But I can always zap him if he gets too unruly. But then I remembered I had one left. Even when I zap him, he still tries to fight." Alric said.

"I don't mind a little fight." one unfamiliar voice chuckled.

"Me neither." Hissed the other. Alric laughed.

"Boys, without that collar he'd kill us in an instant. I'm not so foolish as to think otherwise." Kylo grinned at that and giggled.

"Yes." Kylo promised. "I will." He felt warmth against his cheek and his head was flung to the side. The sound that made his ears ring could only be a slap. He didn't know who had struck him, but he found it amusing that he couldn't feel it. He laughed again.

"Don't bother." He heard Alric sigh. "You'll hurt your hand more than his face."

"Only until the spice wears off. Then he'll feel it."

"Well, he's mine, and I say enough." Alric snarled. "Now if you want to fuck him, do it. Otherwise, you can go." He heard sullen muttering and then a belt being unbuckled. Kylo tried to move away, to do anything at all, but he was paralyzed.

Unfortunately, the moment he was penetrated, he felt it. It didn't hurt nearly as bad, but there was still pain. And the stuttering groans of the man violating him were all too clear, along with the sounds of his hips slapping against Kylo's ass. _'Don't listen. Don't hear them. Pretend you're lying in bed, alone.'_ He thought desperately. _'Keep your eyes closed. Don't see them. Forget this- all of it. It's all a horrible dream.'_

When the second man took his turn the drug had already begun to wear off. He knew he was still on his back, his thighs wide. When he was penetrated, he cried out from the pain.

"I'm going to kill all of you." Kylo gasped. He was bleeding again, he slowly became aware of the warm wetness. Or was it some form of lubricant? He didn't remember anyone using any, and as the spice wore off the ache grew to an agonizing burn. Gods it hurt, and it was getting worse than ever before! He heard the man grunting out his pleasure. He heard his own pitiful whimpers. He felt Rey prodding at the bond. _'Gods, no! Please Rey! Don't look!'_ He begged in a panic. She immediately withdrew. He sighed in relief.

By the time Alric forced him onto his knees and mounted him the pain was terrible and he was crying out with each thrust, tears streaming from his eyes. _'Let it end quickly.'_ He prayed. But Alric seemed bent on taking as long as possible to climax. He thrust his hips slowly as if he had all the time in the world, as if Kylo was enjoying his attention. He felt warmth dripping down his thighs, he knew it was blood now, he could smell it. The burning pain was too much.

"Stop, you bastard!" He sobbed. "Get off of me!"

"That's right! Cry, Kylo! Suffer!" Alric grunted behind him. He gripped Kylo's hair and yanked his head back. "And smile for the camera." Kylo closed his eyes tight as he wept.

He was lying where Alric had left him when he felt a small hand on his shoulder. He scrambled away with a terrified cry and huddled under his blanket.  
"I'm sorry, Kylo. I'm so sorry!" He heard Rey whisper. _'Gods not her. Not now.'_ He thought, shame flooding him at his cowardly display. He covered his face to stifle the sob that tore from his throat. Gods he was weak! He'd been so lost in his suffering he hadn't felt her approach. He'd been prone on the floor covered in blood and cum. And Rey had seen it. She saw the dried blood streaking his thighs. He felt her horror and sadness. She only wanted to comfort him, but he couldn't bear to look at her. He wanted her to leave, but at the same time, he needed the comfort she offered desperately. But he didn't know how to ask.

Thankfully, he didn't have to. Rey felt his turmoil and edged closer. Slowly she eased herself down next to him and after a few breaths of silence, she gently ran her fingers through his hair. When another sob ripped from his throat she began to rub his back with her free hand. Her kindness was far more than he deserved, but he was desperate for it. The cruelty of Alric and his friends had stunned him. He could not understand men who committed rape. How could you take pleasure from someone who didn't want you? How could you get sexual satisfaction from tears and pain? The thought of being with someone who didn't want him was mortifying. It was deeply unnatural to him, and he hated Alric like he had never hated another. And Armitage. Gods how he hated that little bastard!

"I'm sorry, Kylo." Rey whispered. "It's different when I try to check on you through the bond. If you ask me to stop, I can. But then suddenly you're here, and I can't give you privacy and-"

"It's okay Rey." Kylo said softly. "I know." The first few times the Force bond had connected them she was suddenly just there. She didn't want to embarrass him, but she couldn't ignore his suffering either.

He sniffled wetly as Rey continued to soothe him. He was so grateful for her kindness. His tears were slowing as she did her best to console him. She hadn't had much practice with comforting someone. She wasn't sure she was helping at all. He felt her insecurity ease when she felt his tremendous relief at her attention. As long as she had gone without a loving touch was mirrored in him. He had that same aching chasm of loneliness inside him as her. She realized he was as greedy for love as she was, and it made her heart ache. 

"Oh Gods, Kylo." She choked, her eyes brimming. "I never realized.. "

"I didn't help, either." He mumbled, relaxing as she combed her fingers through his raven hair. Rey laughed softly.

"How were we to know?" She sighed. He shrugged. It was awhile before either of them realized the bond had formed. And up until yesterday(?), She had been ignoring him. He hadn't actually seen her since the day he had killed Snoke. Of course she hadn't realized their most obvious similarity.

"Will you be here soon?" He asked. He cringed at the pitiful need in his voice. He felt his face heat up and it only grew worse when she didn't respond. Finally Rey sighed and he dared to look at her.

"I'm still three days away." She said, her expression grim. Kylo felt dizzy. He couldn't breathe. He covered his mouth with a shaking hand, but continued to gasp. _'Three days! Three days?!'_ He couldn't endure another minute of this torture! "Kylo!" Rey gasped. "I'm sorry! Please! Try and calm down!" He was scaring her, his panic infecting her, he could feel it. He tried to stop, to calm down, but he was terrified. He couldn't do this for three more days! "Oh, Kylo!" Rey sobbed as he began to cry. He hated himself more than he ever had before then. He was so weak. But he had no more control over his emotions than he did over his situation. He was powerless in every way and he couldn't bear it.

"I'm sorry!" He whimpered. He tried to breathe, but breathing hurt. His broken rib was making each breath agony, and he couldn't seem to get enough air. He was so dizzy.

"Don't be, Kylo. Don't apologize. I know this is so hard. I know you're hurting. But I'm on my way. I'm traveling as fast as my ship can go. I wish I wasn't so far. I wish I was with you right now, getting you away from that monster. " Kylo suddenly gave a strangled laugh at that.

"Aren't I a monster, Rey?" He said, wincing at his trembling voice.

"No, Kylo. I know you would never do this to anyone. I felt your confusion over... People like him. You can't understand his depravity because you could never do something like that." She continued to rub his back and run her fingers through his hair. His tears finally stopped falling and he shivered under the thin blanket.

"Thank you Rey." He whispered. He wasn't sure what else to say. He was growing calm again at last and drained from anxiety and all his many injuries. He knew Rey was looking at all the bruises mottling what she could see. He knew his face was likely bruised as well. His cheekbone ached when he touched it and his jaw as well. His throat burned when he swallowed, certainly from being strangled, and also from thirst. Rey sensed his aching thirst as soon as it registered in his mind.

"Gods, Kylo!" Rey gasped. She recognized the sensation all too well and it made her chest ache with sorrow. "If I could pass you things I'd do it! I hate that you're so thirsty! And hungry too!" He sighed as she continued to pet him gently. He could ignore his pain better when she caressed him. He was even feeling comfortable enough to fall asleep. She was a gift he didn't deserve.

When he awoke Rey was gone, but Alric was back.

"Look at this filthy slut!" He chortled. "Covered in blood and cum like a proper whore!" Kylo grimaced and looked away, feeling tears welling up. How was it that Alric was able to manipulate his emotions so easily? He had done nothing to this man. He had never taken anyone against their will. So how did this man make him feel like he had agreed to this treatment? How did he make Kylo feel like wretched scum that wanted to be abused? How did he make him feel such shame? Did he deserve this for all the things he had done? Wouldn't death be more humane?

"Don't talk to me." Kylo said, his voice strange and hollow in his ears.

"I'll do what I like!" Alric chuckled. "And what I'd like is for you to get your lazy ass up and cleaned. I don't want a smelly whore." Kylo spat at him as he tore the blanket away. "Just stop it!" Alric snapped. "I've no time for this. I don't want to zap you and drag your ass to the pools. It will take too long, and you have to make me money."

Kylo let himself be led outside the house despite his dread of being paraded about naked, but it was likely his only chance to escape. Feeling so many eyes on him followed by whistles and cat calls made his face flush, humiliated. But as Alric led him out of the small, dusty settlement towards the hot springs he wondered if he was on Nevarro. Alric's grip slackened on the chain and as he fumbled Kylo grabbed it and yanked it free before sprinting off. He didn't make it far when the collar shocked him again, the pain knocking him off his feet. And it kept going. He screamed as he writhed in the dirt. Alric didn't stop shocking him until the chain was in his hand again. Kylo lay gasping and moaning.

"Get up!" Alric snarled, kicking Kylo in the chest. He choked in agony. He could barely draw breath and he was expected to move? "I'll zap your pretty ass again if you don't get up!"

"I'm trying!" Kylo groaned. He was shaking like a leaf, his heart thundering in his ears. He couldn't take any more jolts from the Gods' forsaken collar. His heart would stop eventually, wouldn't it? _'That might be better.'_ Kylo thought as he pushed himself up to his hands and knees.

Standing was even more difficult. His knees shook and felt ready to buckle at any moment. He hurt everywhere. He was covered in dirt, blood, cum, and sweat. He trudged forward where Alric led him. He was too tired to fight.

The pools were shallow in some places, deep in others. Alric led Kylo to a shallow dish that came up to his waist when he knelt in the middle. For a while he just sat, too tired to do more until Alric barked at him to hurry, throwing a bar of soap at him. Regardless of Alric's impatience, Kylo went slowly. He was in too much pain for anything else.

The water felt so warm to his abused flesh. If not for his traumatized rectum, broken rib, and bruises all over his body, it might even be pleasant. It was his still bleeding flesh that stung the most, and he was loath to touch it, even to clean it. It burned unpleasantly and drew pained gasps from his throat each time he shifted.  
Alric apparently decided to be merciful and sat to wait with an annoyed grunt. Kylo was glad. He needed to clean himself no matter how much it hurt.

Walking back was even more humiliating. Apparently word had spread that he was being dragged about without any clothing and there were many more trying to get an eyeful.

"Oi lookit' 'im!" He heard a feminine voice giggle. "And all wet too! Take a pic of that, Ke'elli!"

"Way ahead of you!" He heard, and even his ears were burning then. Gods, he'd never been more humiliated in his life. He wanted to die. 

No. He wanted Rey. He wanted her to get him off this wretched planet, and once she did, he would do anything she wanted. He couldn't think of anything she would ask him that he would object to.

He grimaced as he realized that wasn't true. If she asked him to go back with her to the Resistance, he knew he would say no. He might as well kill himself now. Nothing his mother said- _'Would she even say anything?_ \- would stop the Resistance from executing him. But Rey knew that, didn't she?

"You're going to be busy soon." Alric laughed, gleeful and malicious, drawing Kylo back to the present. He kept his eyes down as he heard more whistles and raucous calls. "Won't Armitage be amused when I tell him how popular you are?" Kylo shuddered and kept walking. He prayed his father couldn't see him now.

Alric was jubilant by the time they reached his home. Two Twi'lek women were trailing behind them bickering and didn't stop until they reached his door.

"Oi! Fella! We'd like a word!" Alric grinned cruelly at Kylo as he chained him to a bolt in the wall outside his door. He ambled over to the two Twi'lek and after a quick discussion they all turned and headed back to Kylo. He opened the door and waved them in before he detached the chain from the bolt and shoved Kylo inside ahead of him.

"These fine ladies would like to have you for the night." He said and yanked Kylo's chain and gave him a weak jolt that made him yelp as he stumbled after him. Once he was back in the room, his hands shackled above his head and fastened to the chain, the chain secured to the ceiling, Alric stepped back. "Don't try to kiss him." Alric warned. "He'll probably just try to bite you. Same goes for oral, you can do it to him, but don't bite him, and I wouldn't expect him to return the favor either. He may be willing though, since you're girls." They both giggled at that. As if Kylo couldn't possibly refuse them anything. He grit his teeth. He didn't want them touching him any more than anyone else. They would be disappointed when they realized they were wasting their time and credits. He couldn't reach them with his hands, but he could kick and bite.

Alric noticed Kylo's legs were free and zapped him, then pounced, cuffing his ankles and bolting them to a ring on the floor while Kylo lay gasping. "There we are!" He sounded downright gleeful. The two thanked him. "Call me if he gives you any trouble." He said and they giggled again. _'Of course the bastard noticed my legs were free. Fuck!'_ Kylo thought angrily.

Kylo finally looked at them. They looked like twins. They're skin was almost olive. Like most Twi'lek women, they weren't ugly, but he did not desire them. They smiled at him and his anger.

"Such an adorable pout!" One said.

"He's gorgeous!" The second girl cooed.

"We have a gift for you, pretty boy!" The first one tittered.

"A secret only the Twi'lek know!" Kylo knew his apprehension was obvious when they began to pout.

"Don't be like that! This will make you happy." The first one smiled knowingly. "You will enjoy the pleasure you give us and you will want to pleasure us more than anything." _'Oh Gods! Another drug?'_ He wondered, growing anxious.

"You will be filled with bliss." The second girl sighed. "It is a very old recipe. Very strong." She pulled out a vial of red liquid and they both drew close and knelt on either side of him.

The first sister bent low and engulfed his cock with her mouth. He gasped and the second sister dumped the potion in his mouth, her hand slamming over his nose and mouth. He had no choice but to swallow or suffocate. He swallowed and she let him go with a small giggle.

He felt it immediately. His whole body tingled and his cock was instantly throbbing and growing harder by the second. He moaned as every sweep of her lips, tongue, and hands felt ten times more pleasurable. With some soft caresses and a few slow licks he was coming with a shuddering groan.

The girls both sighed in delight.

"You will come more tonight than ever in your life!" The second sister grinned and bent her head to lick his nipple. He gasped loudly at the sensation, it went straight to his cock which was still hard and throbbing. It was impossible!

They both undressed quickly. One (he could no longer tell which) came close until all he could see was her pussy. Then he felt the other one sit on his cock and grind until he was moaning. The moment he opened his mouth the girl right in his face ground her cunt against his mouth and he was licking and sucking desperately. Then the other sister slid his cock inside her and began to bounce wildly.

Kylo hated himself. He nearly sobbed as he came again. But the girl fucking him didn't stop bouncing in his lap, and he stayed hard, and he continued suck the clitoris in his mouth. He couldn't stop. He despised his weakness but for the first time in a long time he felt so aroused and full of pleasure, he was drunk on it. When one of the sisters howled in pleasure he came again, jerking his face free to cry out.

"Stop!" He sobbed, even as he thrust his hips into the Twi'lek grinding in his lap. _‘Gods don't let Rey see!’_ He begged. And just like that, the Force brought her there to stare in mortified disbelief.

"We won't stop until we're satisfied." Cooed the Twi'lek in his lap. "We paid for you." She pressed her chest against his legs and lifted her hips and slammed them down repeatedly. Kylo sobbed until a throbbing clit was mashed against his lips.

"Feast upon me!" The Twi'lek riding his face commanded. She lifted one leg high, pressing her knee against the wall. She grabbed his ears, giggling at his pained cry, and yanked them as she rubbed against his lips.

He knew without seeing that Rey had turned her back upon the scene and her ears were covered after that, and he was grateful. He couldn't help but show her the potion they had forced on him, and he felt her dismay. His shame at his body's betrayal was broadcast to her without conscious decision and he felt her anger toward the Twi'lek women forcing themselves on him. If he felt any shame from Rey he would probably die of grief, but all he felt was her overwhelming anger.

 _'Please don't be angry, Rey! I'm so sorry!'_ The anger was replaced with remorse.

 _'It's not you I'm angry with Kylo. I'm on my way! Just hold on a bit longer.'_ He knew he had two more days, but he was touched that she cared enough to attempt to lie to spare his feelings. He felt the connection fade and he sobbed through another orgasm. Why did Rey have to be subjected to his dishonor as well? It wasn't fair!

"Stop your blubbering and eat me!" The girl riding his face and yanking his ears demanded. He cried out as the Twi'lek riding his cock made him come again. He lapped at the clit in his mouth until his jaw ached, but still she wanted more. They both did.

After the Twi'lek switched places he had four more orgasms and his jaw hurt so bad he was crying again. Even his lips were swollen from them bucking and grinding against him so hard. When they were finally sated, his eyes were rolling back in his head from exhaustion. His hands felt swollen and painful from his circulation being cut off. The strange potion they had forced him to drink was wearing off and he hurt. He was so hungry and his cock was still throbbing, but now it was painful. They had left him chained and Alric hadn't seen fit to release him.

 _‘Gods, two more days…’_ The idea horrified him. He didn't know how he would endure it. And the Force kept bringing him and Rey together at the most humiliating and traumatizing times. By the time she found him she might be more inclined to behead him with her saber and put him out of his misery.

He shivered. He didn't really want to die, did he? It would get better once Rey freed him, wouldn't it? Anything was better than this. She wouldn't expect him to go back to the Resistance after all he had suffered. She wasn't cruel. She was sweet. And beautiful. She was brave, strong, and smart... He sighed. Thinking of Rey was much more pleasant than thinking about anything else.

When Alric uncuffed him his hands were numb. Almost an hour had passed, or so Kylo supposed, judging by the color of his hands. When the blood started coming back he wrung his hands and whimpered at the pain. Alric set down some dried meat and what he prayed was alcohol and not water filled with bacteria. He wasn't sure why it mattered, then he supposed that without the Force to feed off it, pain was just pain. If it wasn't going to help he didn't need to seek it out. And if that was water, he would get sick from drinking it.

Alric clearly saw his distaste and snorted.

"I heard you were a pampered little brat as a child, but surely you've had ale?"

"I thought it was water." Kylo muttered. Alric laughed.

"I suppose you would think that. Well I'm not surprised! Spoilt just as Armitage said."

“Do you even know him?!" Kylo snapped, fumbling with that glass as his hands throbbed. "He's a pedantic, sniveling little womp weasel! If things don't go his way he slaps people like he's some entitled princess! The first order was a means to an end for me, but he's a zealot. It's pathetic!" Kylo snarled. To his annoyance Alric only laughed harder.

"Truer words were never spoken!" he said as he wiped his eyes and laughed harder. When he finally calmed he looked at Kylo with what could be mistaken for admiration, but was probably only his perverted desire to dominate Kylo again. Either one was abhorrent. "I have no love for my half-brother. But he killed our father. And even if I didn't owe him for that, I'd still be happy to pump your ass full of cum!"

Kylo grimaced in revulsion.

"I'll be happy to cut your heart out." He replied with a sneer. Alric's expression grew dark.

"Eat your damn food before I take it from you!" He snapped. Kylo snatched the dried meat up and the glass of what Alric claimed was ale and scooted away from him as far as he could. He ate quickly as Alric laughed, certain he would make good on his threat to take the meager offering away.

Being so closely observed while he ate was unnerving as well. Why couldn't he just leave? Kylo was exhausted still. Surely he could allow Kylo some rest before drooling on him and rutting like a Gammorean. Alric unchained his feet, then unhooked the chain connected to his collar from the ceiling and reattached it to the bolt in the floor. Kylo crawled to the nest of pillows, lumpy mattress, and flimsy blanket. He collapsed with a shuddering sigh. He curled up in a ball and huddled under the blanket. The room was quiet. Had Alric left?

Kylo froze when the lights went out and he heard movement close by.

"Are you going to make me hurt you, or are you going to take this dick like a good boy?"

"Don't!" Kylo gasped. "Don't fucking touch me!" He curled up tighter, as if he could hide. Electric current raced through him until he screamed. Alric pounced on him and punched Kylo in the face. The back of his head bashed into the wall behind him and he knew no more.

When he woke next Rey was hovering over him, crying. Pain hit him like a Mudhorn and he gasped. Rey held his face in her hands.

"-you hear me?! Kylo!" He tried to tell her he was fine, but when he opened his mouth all he could do was groan. Everything hurt so badly. He just wanted it to stop!  
And then it did. The pain faded slowly, but soon his whole body was relaxed and he felt Rey slump against him with a sigh. He wrapped his arms around her and sat up, amazed by the lack of pain. Rey yawned and blinked sleepily at him as if she'd just awoken from a pleasant dream. He saw her memory return and she sat up, touching his face. "I did it!" She gasped in amazement. Kylo smiled, she was utter perfection.

"Rey, you are too nice to me. I'm starting to think you care." He was teasing, but when he saw her anger he winced.

"Kylo, you could have died if I hadn't helped you! Look at the blood." She pointed behind him.

"Oh." He said when he saw the mess. He could only stare in shock at the puddle of blood where his head had been until Rey touched his jaw and redirected his attention.

"It's okay. You didn't realize. But Kylo, you have to know I do care." she said, taking his hands in hers. She yawned and he realized she was exhausted. She had exhausted herself healing him. He was surprised to see the blanket over his lap and was embarrassed it took him that long to notice he wasn't completely nude. Gods, was he actually getting used to it? Had she covered him? He felt humiliation burn him again. He tried to ignore it and focused on her words instead. She cared for him? How? Why? He didn't deserve her or her care.

"Thank you Rey. It's been so long since anyone has, I forgot what it was like. I would hate it if anyone hurt you! I'd kill them first." Rey chuckled.

"I shouldn't be surprised that that's how you say you care." Kylo's answering smile was shy, and Rey found it completely endearing. Without thinking she wrapped her arms around him. He shuddered and rested his forehead on her shoulder. He touched her waist gently and when she didn't rebuke him he pulled her closer. He realized that he was still worn out from the Twi'lek twins and shuddered.

"Thank you for being nice to me, Rey." he whispered. It broke her heart, and she squeezed him tighter. She could feel his exhaustion as his grip relaxed.

"You need to rest, Kylo." She implored gently.

"I don't want to sleep while you're still with me." He sighed.

"You don't have to. But I want you to lie down, okay?" He nodded and shuffled over to the pile of bedding and collapsed on it with a groan. She sat beside him and began to play with his hair again. Kylo sighed happily. He felt safe when it was just him and Rey. He knew she would never hurt him. And when she touched him, his pain was forgotten.

"Two more days, right?" Kylo murmured, his eyes closed.

"Two more days." Rey agreed.

When he no longer felt her fingers rubbing his scalp, his eyes opened upon an empty room. His heart ached. He missed Rey already. He didn't want to be alone. But he didn't want to be brutalized and raped either. Being alone was good. But it was more bearable when Rey was with him. There was nothing for him to do but try and sleep.

The next day he woke alone. He was shocked that he hadn't been awoken by a fist. He lay on the bedding for a while, still feeling tired, but eventually got up to relieve himself. After that he tied the blanket around his waist in case Rey made an appearance and paced for a bit. In his growing boredom he began to sift through the junk that cluttered the room. He found a length of wire long enough to strangle Alric with and quickly hid it under a pillow.

Kylo decided to look at the bones next. Maybe he could find a large femur to bash Alric's head in with. He smiled at the thought but before he could do anything, the door opened and Alric walked in. His expression of anger quickly morphed into shock at seeing Kylo sitting on the bedding. _'He thought he killed me.'_ Kylo realized as Alric stared at him in astonishment. _'He meant to kill me last night!'_

"You're pretty tough, Ren." Alric said, eyeing him shrewdly. "At least, when you don't have a dick in your ass." Kylo scowled.

"Do you expect me to act like I enjoy this?" he spat. "Would that make you feel like less of a piece of shit?" Alric's smile did not reach his eyes.

"You're a murderer. I don't regret a thing I've done to you." Alric snapped.

"Don't act like you wouldn't do the same thing to an innocent man! Anyone you want and refuses you, I bet you just drag them off and rape them anyway!" Kylo yelled. Alric sneered, incredulous.

"And you haven't?" Kylo's laugh was mocking and rang throughout the room.

"I don't go where I'm not wanted." He snarled. Alric grinned maliciously.

"And do these good folk not want you? I fail to see the problem." Kylo was seething then.

"You know damn well what I mean!" Kylo roared in fury. "Don't try to justify this, either!" Alric chuckled.

"I've already told you: I don't care how you feel. You are my property. You're lucky I feed you!” His voice was rising as his face grew red with rage. “You're lucky to be alive! You're lucky I don't slice you to ribbons right now!" He shouted. Kylo felt his heart begin to race and he groped under the pillow for the length of wire. "You want to get fucked with a knife?!" Alric snarled, brandishing a wicked, curved blade. Kylo shook his head frantically. _'Gods no!'_ The thought terrified him.

Whatever Alric saw in Kylo's expression pleased him and he sheathed his knife with a smile. "Be a good boy, Ren. I can be good to you if you earn it. Don't you want me to be good to you?" Kylo wanted to dismember him, but that blade gave Alric the advantage. He had to play along. He nodded rapidly. Alric's smile was all too pleased. "Look at that! Smart and beautiful!" He chuckled. Kylo shivered and stared down at his lap. He was beaten and he knew it.

Alric left after promising Kylo some food. Kylo didn't respond. He couldn't. He knew that Rey had saved his life last night. Alric had left him lying in a pool of his own blood, unconscious. He'd obviously been shocked to find Kylo alive when he opened the door and found him sitting there alert and uninjured. He needed a better weapon. Waiting for Rey to come was going to get him killed. How long was it until she would reach his location? A day? Two? He then remembered his conversation with Rey. She was still two days away.

He couldn't do this for another 48 hours! He had to get out of the room and fast. He began to search the crates for anything sharp or heavy. He found a rusty old hammer at the bottom of a crate and grinned malevolently. He hurried to the bedding and lay down and huddled under the blanket again, the hammer clutched tight in his hands. He was going to crush Alric's skull before he had a chance to draw his knife.

Kylo waited for what felt like hours. He felt himself drifting off to sleep several times and sat up, still clutching the hammer tight. What was taking Alric so long? He was hungry. Thirsty, too. He wished Rey was with him while he waited. He scowled when he imagined her showing up while he beat Alric to death. _'That would just be my fucking luck.'_ He thought bitterly. Rey would turn around and go right back to the Resistance.

As if she had been summoned by his thoughts Rey was suddenly there. She knelt down in front of him, smiling. He couldn't help but smile back.

"Are you okay?" She asked, looking him over for injuries.

"I'm fine." he replied. "You fixed everything I think." He was quiet for a moment and Rey immediately saw his conflict.

"What's wrong, Kylo?" she asked, her eyes, and voice, frankly everything about her was open and inviting and offering kindness and trust. He couldn't lie to her, he didn't want to.

"I think Alric meant to kill me last night." Rey blanched and reached out to grip Kylo's wrist. "He seemed pretty surprised when he saw me a few hours ago. I found a hammer in all this junk, so I'm going to kill him. I have to. He already threatened me with his knife. I - I have to- I don't have a choice-" he found himself stammering nervously, afraid Rey would hate him for it.

"Kylo, it's all right, I think you're right. Last night when I first saw you, I thought you were already gone." She let go of his wrist to grasp his hand. "I wanted to kill him myself." Kylo sighed.

"The worst part is that when I do kill him I can't even leave until you're really here." He flushed at the thought of being dragged about the settlement completely bare.

"Why not?" Rey said and Kylo could have kicked himself. She'd already seen too much of his humiliation. He didn't need to tell her everything! What she already knew was bad enough! Then the door hissed open and Kylo started in surprise. It was Alric and another man. And of course, this brute was even bigger than Alric! "Kylo, what's wrong?" Rey asked. He glanced at her for just long enough to give a minute shake of his head before turning his gaze to his hands twisting nervously in his lap. _'Rey, please, you have to go now.'_ He gasped as the chain around his neck was yanked. A shock tore through him and he screamed. He released the hammer, but heard a muffled thud as he dropped it. He prayed Alric and his friend hadn't noticed.

"Get over here or I'll zap you again!" He saw Rey fading, her hand over her mouth, her beautiful eyes shining with tears, and thanked the Maker even as he winced at the horror in her expression. Alric held the chain and hooked it to the ceiling in the center of the room. _'This is new.'_ Kylo thought uneasily. He warily stood, not daring to look at them. His stomach was churning. Rey had completely healed him. If this giant humanoid also had a giant dick, it was going to be like the first time all over again, except worse. He clenched his fists to keep his hands from shaking. His heart was beginning to pound with adrenaline and fear. He began to gasp as the hulking humanoid took the chain from Alric and slowly drew Kylo stumbling over.

Kylo glanced at Alric and saw his vicious sneer.

"You boys have fun!" He laughed as he left the room. Kylo was panicking. Was this some kind of punishment for surviving? The man's skin was blue and his eyes were totally black but for a thin band of yellow. He was taller than Kylo by over a foot. He was covered in muscles. The door closed with a hiss of finality and Kylo gasped as his wrist was grabbed and he was roughly manhandled until he was on his hands and knees.

"Don't kill me please!" Kylo found himself begging between frightened gasps. The humanoid man chuckled.

"Calm yourself, pretty one. I am not here to kill you." Kylo felt his limbs go slack with relief. But it was fleeting.

"You are going to rape me though." Kylo said, his voice shaking. The humanoid man chuckled.

"’Tis either me or three of Alric's friends. And they mean to hurt you." he said with a smile. "Would you prefer three cocks instead of one?"

"No!" Kylo whimpered.

"Well I'm not entirely cruel. I'll give you another choice: Would you prefer I fuck your pretty mouth? Or that lovely arse?" Kylo couldn't hold back a terrified sob as he tried to scramble away. Large, heavy hands clamped onto his hips and he screamed and kicked as he was dragged back. "Now, now, let's be reasonable." The blue humanoid chuckled. "No need for hysterics."

"Please don't!" Kylo begged.

"Submit, or I'll be forced to use the collar." He replied, as calm as ever. His fingers dug painfully into Kylo's hips.

"Please, let me go!" He was flipped onto his back and a powerful slap to his face made his teeth rattle.

"Well, Alric was right about you! You are quite... Enticing. I tried to be kind, but I think hurting you will be more fun, you cry so beautifully."

"No!" Kylo wailed. The man chuckled again.

"Gorgeous!" He breathed in awe. "I think I should like to taste you." Kylo covered his mouth but then flailed in shock as his hips were dragged up and he was gripped tight about the waist by massive arms. He kicked wildly until he was grabbed behind his knees and folded in half. The humanoid held Kylo tight against him, his knees pinned to his chest and his ass in the air. It was hard to breathe and the blood rushing to his head made him dizzy and nauseated. He felt a thick tongue slip inside him.

"Stop!" He wept. But the disgusting invasion continued. He felt saliva trickling between his legs and shivered in dread. The massive tongue slipped deeper and Kylo whined as he was painfully stretched. Gods if his tongue was that thick, how big was his cock? He dreaded the moment he knew was fast approaching. The humanoid groaned and Kylo shuddered in revulsion as he felt the groan vibrate inside him.

When the tongue withdrew and he was released he gasped for breath. He was dizzy and felt his stomach churning. He was shoved off the man's lap and started crawling away as he heard the man removing his pants. He was going to be sick. He coughed and then gagged.

"Oh, my." The blue humanoid chuckled. "So dramatic!" He grabbed Kylo's ankle and dragged him back. Kylo wailed, kicking wildly. The towering brute released him and grabbed the chain, yanking it hard. Kylo screamed as he was shocked. "Do you want more?" He said, sounding extremely pleased. Kylo could only gasp and shake his head wildly. He was dragged by his ankle back into the man's grasp and put on his back. He covered his face and sobbed as a huge, blunt cock pressed against him.

"I can't!" He cried. "Please! You're too big! I can't!" Gods this was going to be so much worse than the first time. He was hyperventilating, squirming wildly as the bastard dug his fingers into his hips. He began to force his cock inside Kylo and he screamed in agony as he felt his skin tearing. "I can't!" He wailed. But slowly the massive cock went deeper. He bottomed out much sooner than Kylo expected, and for that he felt a small measure of relief, but the cock was so damned thick that it was still unbearable.

The humanoid groaned as Kylo sobbed and tugged his wrists. He knew his hips were starting to bruise where the blue man gripped him, but Kylo couldn't pry him loose.

"Fuck, your still so tight!" The humanoid moaned. Then he snapped his hips and Kylo screamed. It was too much! He was already bleeding.

"Stop, please!" Kylo cried.

"I wouldn't even if I could!" He replied and began to fuck Kylo in earnest.

Kylo had finally managed to crawl to the bedding and huddle under the worn blanket when Rey reappeared. His whole body shook from the pain and she immediately knew it.

"Oh, Kylo! Let me help!" She gasped. He flinched with a guttural sob.

"Please don't! It wouldn't have hurt so bad this time if you hadn't healed me!" he whimpered.

"Kylo, you would have died!" She cried, aghast. He nodded, swiping at his tears with a flush of shame.

"But I'm not dying now." He said, his voice hollow, his expression haunted. "And it's going to keep happening as long as I'm here."

"Kylo, I'm so sorry!" Rey began.

"Don't be, Rey." Kylo interrupted. "You didn't do this." he sniffled and smiled weakly when she gently brushed his hair back from his face. "You've been far kinder than I deserve."

"Don't say that." Rey chided gently. "You deserve kindness. I think if you'd only had more things would be different." Kylo laughed bitterly at that.

"How can you even say that with a straight face?" He snapped. "You grew up with far less than I did and look at you! You're so strong and amazing! You didn't fucking fall apart like I did! How can you even stand to look at me? I'm so weak!"

"No, Kylo, stop! Don't say that! I haven't had an evil man manipulating my mind since I was a child!" Kylo gaped in shock, then shuddered. He felt numb. What was she saying?

"What are you talking about? " he said as he propped himself up on an elbow. Rey looked distinctly uncomfortable. Kylo felt sick. Was she implying that Snoke had been fucking with his head since infancy? "Rey!" He gasped, "He didn't!" The look she gave him was so full of sorrow he couldn't bear to see it. He covered his face and turned away from her. He didn't know why, but he believed her. He just knew she wasn't lying. "But how can you know this when I don't?". Rey sighed.

"He manipulated your mind. Your memories. He put thoughts into your head. I saw it all, how he's made you suffer. It makes sense that you've been so conflicted. He knew killing your father would destroy you, and he made you do it anyway, convinced you that you had to." Kylo didn't know what to say or even think. "And if you really were weak, you wouldn't have killed Snoke. You would have killed me just like he wanted." Kylo sighed. He rolled over to face Rey again, wincing at the pain. He wondered how long he had before Alric and his friends decided to torment him.

"I didn't want him to hurt you again." He murmured. Rey began to comb his hair with her fingers again. He prayed the next time Alric came into the room he was alone. Killing more than one person with a hammer seemed impossible with the amount of pain he was in. He was still shaking, he was fairly certain that he was still bleeding. He wished he could use Rey's lap as a pillow, but he worried he might offend her by asking.

When the door hissed open he gasped and shut his eyes tight.

"Kylo, what is it?" Rey whispered.

 _'Please go now.'_ He thought frantically. Alric wasn't alone. _'Oh Gods, no!'_

"Kylo, I'll be there soon. Just hold on for me, can you do that?". Alric and the other- a man who appeared human but for the pointed ears and a long, furry tail, possibly a Bothan hybrid- stopped beside the bedding. _'Yes, please go now!'_ He felt Rey withdraw.

"Wake up." He heard Alric demand. He felt a foot nudge him in the ribs and he flinched. "Sit up." Kylo tensed, he definitely could not sit properly. "You know what will happen if I have to repeat myself." Alric snapped. Kylo rolled onto his front and forced himself onto his knees.

"What is this? His ass is all torn up! He's bleeding!" The other man said. Alric laughed.

"His mouth isn't. Look at those lips!" The other man scoffed.

"And what is to stop him from biting my dick off?" Kylo was unprepared for the shock and he fell back with a scream. He lay gasping as Alric and the man laughed. "That looked like it hurt!"

"Sit up!" Alric snapped again. Kylo struggled to comply, his limbs shaking and uncooperative. He felt sick. He was so hungry and thirsty his stomach felt like it was eating itself. His head was beginning to pound terribly. His stomach roared.

"Do you ever feed him?" The other man chuckled.

"Eh, I did once. I suppose I should. What do you care?"

"At least give him a drink. Can't suck cock with a shriveled up tongue!" Alric sighed.

"I suppose you're right. I'll be back." Kylo felt under the pillow for the hammer as Alric walked out. The other man watched him go and then turned to Kylo.

"Who knew that Kylo Ren was so pretty?" He sighed. "I'm thinking of making an offer to keep you. I would certainly see you better cared for. I wouldn't keep you chained and starving. Doesn't that sound nice?" He knelt in front of Kylo and brushed his hair back from his face. Kylo smiled and swung the hammer with all his might. He caught the man in the temple and he fell on his side, twitching weakly. Kylo raised the hammer again and brought it down viciously until the man's face was unrecognizable.

He sat gasping in shock. Alric was going to kill him if he didn't break the chain. The only chance he had was to wait beside the door and attack Alric as soon as the door opened. He couldn't reach the door with the chain on. He began to bash a rusted link with the hammer. It was so loud, Alric was going to hear it. Kylo fought down a wave of panic and struck harder, his hand aching from the shock.

The door hissed open.

"No!" He bellowed as Alric raised the remote, his face dark with fury. Kylo screamed as he was shocked. Then Alric was upon him, tearing the hammer from Kylo's clenched fist and flinging it away. Kylo grabbed Alric's throat and Alric grabbed the chain, yanking it. Kylo screamed as he was shocked again. A blow to the face left him reeling, then Alric was hitting him everywhere. Every time he blocked, Alric hit him somewhere different. Kylo grabbed Alric's shaggy hair and pulled. Alric snarled in rage and yanked the chain again. Kylo howled as the collar shocked him. Alric twisted his arm behind his back and forced him onto his stomach. He heard Alric fumbling with his pants behind him. "Don't!" Kylo cried.

"You shouldn't have killed him, you think I want to clean this mess up? I hope that sweet ass of yours hurts, because I'm going to tear you up." Then Alric brutally rammed his cock into Kylo's still-bleeding body. He shrieked as his wounds were torn even more. Alric fucked him fast and hard and Kylo screamed and wept until Alric pulled out of him when he was finished. Alric laughed breathlessly as Kylo continued to sob. "Yeah, I hope it hurts. And you can forget about the water."

Kylo lay still for a long time. Tears still slipped down his bruised face, but he was silent. His thoughts were fractured into a confusing jumble. But it all centered around Rey. How long before she freed him? Had she changed her mind and given up? Had she realized what he already knew: that he was ruined now, and better off dead? Maybe he should just kill himself. His suffering would end and Rey wouldn't have to worry about him. But she was almost here. Wouldn't it be rude to make her waste her time coming all the way here only to find him dead? She would be angry, he reasoned. She wouldn't like that he'd given up. He only wished everything didn't hurt so badly. He wished the sound of a door opening didn't terrify him. He felt so nervous lately and his stomach was always in knots. He was so hungry and thirsty and he hurt so badly. He wondered when Rey would get here.

And so it went, over and over in his mind until he closed his eyes and finally slept.

When Kylo awoke he knew something was terribly wrong. He was drenched in sweat. His stomach was roiling and his head was pounding in tandem with his heart beat. He tried to move but even lifting his head was too much effort. He saw that Alric had disposed of the corpse and even saw a glass of water. He whined piteously at the sight. He had to get up. He needed the water so badly. His throat was on fire, he couldn't swallow. _'Get up, you wretch! It's right there!'_ He began to inch along, gasping in pain and exertion. Why was this so difficult? His head was pounding and spinning at the same time. He groaned and retched, his stomach heaving. Something was very wrong. Black spots began to appear before his eyes. He was so dizzy. His hand was an inch away from the cup of water when he blacked out and collapsed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No, he could never hurt her. But she could hurt him so easily. All she had to do was cast him aside and his fragile heart would shatter into a thousand pieces.

The last twelve hours to Nevarro were the longest of Rey's life. Whenever she tried to reach out to Kylo she felt fever and sickness. He was trapped in dark dreams and smothering heat that was suffocating him. She did everything she could to coax more speed out of the little freighter, but she was only shaving a few hours off the time before planet-fall at the most. 

She couldn't bear the thought of him dying before she got there. How could she face Leia after that? How could she face herself in a mirror? She knew he would do everything in his power to save her from such a fate, she'd seen it in his horrified expression when she had asked him if he would leave her in the clutches of a rapist. If she failed him, she would never forgive herself.

The hours dragged on and she constantly tried to connect with him. But each time, all she felt was the sweltering fever he suffered and little more than wisps of his frightening nightmares.

By the time Nevarro came into view Rey was frantic. She quickly landed outside a small settlement and was bounding down the ramp before it was even fully open. It was dusk and there were few people out. The wind was cold and Rey shivered as she hurried along. She could feel Kylo's signature, weak and strained though it was. It drew her like a magnet to a small, unassuming dwelling. Kylo was within, and someone else too. And she knew it was the same someone who was dead set on breaking him. She knocked on the door. 

A mountain of muscle greeted her. He was even bigger than Kylo. Rey didn't care how big the man was. The bigger they were, the harder they fell.

"What can I do for you, pretty girl?" he leered. 

"Let me in." she demanded using the Force to compel him. His expression grew lax for a moment before he murmured: "Won't you come in?" and stepped aside with a wave of his hand.

The moment the door closed behind her, she ignited the lightsaber Leia had given her just before she left, and sliced his head from his shoulders.

He drifted in and out of awareness for an indeterminate time. When he was close to the surface he felt like he was being boiled alive. His head pounded and his stomach clenched. The rest of the time he was trapped in terrifying dreams where he was being hunted by faceless creatures with needle-like claws. He knew if he stopped running they would catch him and tear him to pieces. Every time he fell, one would be upon him and he would scream and thrash desperately until he was able to shake them off and stagger to his feet again. Eventually the pack of monsters got closer. Each step took maximum effort, he felt like he was trying to run through thick mud. Each breath was a painful gasp and he had a stitch in his side that was agony. He broke out of the trees to find a solid wall in front of him. It was too smooth to climb and as he turned to run again he saw he was surrounded. The faceless creatures opened giant maws of razor sharp teeth as they drew closer. They would tear him apart and devour him. He would die alone.

"Kylo? Can you hear me? That's it! Come on, open your eyes!" It was Rey! Beautiful, sweet Rey! Her cool hands on his overheated flesh felt so soothing. He would do anything she asked. But when he tried, it was too difficult. He groaned in frustration. He needed to see her! Why wouldn't his body obey his commands? "Shh, just breathe. I'm here. I'm going to try to heal you." Kylo bleated in panic. She couldn't! Alric would just make him bleed again. "Kylo, just breathe! It's over now. He can't hurt you anymore. I'm here with you. We're going to get out of here, but I need to heal you first. I can't carry you." He moaned as he continued to struggle to open his eyes, but he was so exhausted that something usually so simple had become impossible.

Then he felt it, the gentle warmth that slowly eased the pain and sickness away. He opened his eyes and saw Ray smiling wearily at him. "There he is." she said with a happy sigh and slumped forward across Kylo's chest. He wrapped his arms around her and sat up, holding her close.

"You're here!" he gasped, his eyes wide and quickly filling with tears. "You're really here!" He squeezed her tight and tried not to cry, but he was so damned grateful and relieved, the tears spilled down his cheeks anyway.

"I think I need a small nap." Rey mumbled. "That man is dead, so it's ok." Kylo wasn't so sure, but he hoped she was right. He wanted food, water, and something other than a ratty blanket to cover himself with. He wanted the collar and chain off. But he couldn't bring himself to let go of Rey. He never wanted to let her go. He rocked back and forth gently and she sighed as if it were pure bliss. He smiled as he buried his nose in her hair. She smelled like fresh fruit and it made his stomach growl. "You poor thing." Rey murmured, barely awake, pawing at a pouch on her belt. She clumsily produced a ration bar and Kylo gave her another grateful squeeze before tearing the packaging open and devouring it. Then he spotted the cup of water he'd tried to reach earlier. Still holding Rey tight with one arm, he grabbed it and drank greedily. He sighed in relief, his stomach finally settled.

He held Rey for a long time and watched her sleep. He couldn't believe she was there in his arms. He had dreamed about it since he'd awoken on the floor of Snoke's throne room. He realized that if he was still on the Finalizer she wouldn't be with him now. In a perverse way, he owed Hux. If not for his treachery they would still be several systems apart. He frowned when he realized all this could have been avoided if Rey had taken his hand when he'd offered it. But then if Hux had gotten the drop on him so easily, who could say if Rey would not have met the same fate as Kylo? The thought sickened him. The torment he'd suffered could never happen to her. He would die first.

It didn't matter anyway. She was here now. Really, truly with him, sleeping in his arms after slaying his tormentor and exhausting herself healing him. She wouldn't do all that if she didn't care for him, would she? Or was it pity that motivated her? Would she let him hold her if she didn't feel something for him? Or was she too tired to care where she slept? He had never healed anyone before, not even himself though he had tried many times. He didn't know how taxing it was but it seemed the worse the damage, the more it took out of the person doing the healing. And his poor Rey was out like a light. Had he been unconscious a whole day? Had he been so sick that nothing had roused him all that time? Or had she gotten here early? 

Kylo tried to quiet his mind, but he continued to fret as Rey slept. He wondered where she wanted to go from here. He dreaded the thought of going to the Resistance, but if that was what Rey wanted, he would do it. He knew he couldn't make her choose between him or them. She wouldn't choose him anyway. It hurt to realize more than he thought it would and he angrily swiped at his face when several tears spilled from his eyes. The thought of her leaving him hurt far worse though, and he shuddered as more tears fell.

He buried his nose in her hair again and tried to calm down. Why did he always do this to himself? Why did he over think everything and torture himself? Why couldn't he just be happy that Rey was finally here, allowing him to hold her? She began to snore softly and he couldn't help but smile. He was happy, but he was also very anxious about what lay ahead. He didn't want to go to the Resistance. He wasn't sure he could handle the condemnation of all those who had been hurt by the First Order. And he was fairly certain that seeing his mother would be too horrible to bear. And then, of course, were the inevitable attempts on his life if he was not executed on sight or imprisoned. 

Once they removed the collar he wouldn't feel so helpless. Even without his lightsaber he could still fight. He could easily defend himself hand to hand, and the Force would make him faster and stronger than any Resistance member. He just had to get the fucking collar off. If he had to tear Alric's house apart to find the key or some way to cut it off, he would. He wasn't leaving this hell with this noose around his neck.

Eventually he grew drowsy and slumped back against the bedding, still holding Rey tight. It was so nice to hold her. He couldn't remember the last time he had held someone. He hadn't felt this relaxed in so long he couldn't recall the last time that had happened, either. Listening to her soft breathing was soothing. He wasn't alone, and she wouldn't hurt him. He fell asleep quickly after that.

He awoke to an empty room and began to panic. Where was Rey? Had she left him? The thought made his heart begin to pound as he glanced about the room. Then he noticed the chain was cut with what could only be by a lightsaber and only a small length hung from the collar. He scrambled to his feet. He grabbed the bloodied blanket and tied it around his waist and stumbled to the door. He opened it, the hissing sound making him cringe and bite back a whimper. He heard someone making a racket. He prayed it was Rey. 

He tiptoed down the hall and found Rey ransacking the living area. Alric's body lay in the middle of the floor, his head in a corner. Kylo smiled.

"I'm glad you're dead." Kylo said softly. Rey started at the sound of his voice, but smiled as soon as she saw him. 

"I'm trying to find the key for that damned collar!" Rey said. "You check the kitchen. And eat, too! There's plenty." _'Of course there is.'_ Kylo thought bitterly. _'He probably made a lot of credits off of me.'_ with that thought in mind he began to search for the bedroom. People liked to hide credits in their bedroom. And if he found Alric's stash he would take every last one. They would need it and Alric was dead. He hadn't earned it anyway. 

His room was full of clutter and dirty clothes strewn everywhere. Kylo snarled in anger. This would take awhile.

He found his clothes amid the mess, but they were torn as if Alric had ripped them right off him. Kylo was certain he had. He shuddered at the thought. He found pants that were a dark blue color and pulled them on. He had to roll the cuffs up to avoid tripping and keep them at his hips with a belt, but at least they were clean. The only clean shirt was white and the sleeves were so long only his fingers were visible. He looked in a mirror and frowned. He had lost weight already, not much, but enough that he noticed it. His skin was almost bloodless in appearance and he wondered if he was still sick. He felt okay. He was hungry and thirsty again, but at least he finally was clothed.

He found a drawer full of credits in the bed-side table. Then after he'd loaded up his pockets he found several keys.

"I think I found it Rey!" he called and soon he heard her heading to the bedroom.

"Here, let me do it." Rey said as she entered the room. He handed her the keys and she quickly inspected them and then the collar. She picked one and slid it into the collar and with a soft click it popped open. She pulled it off and dropped it to the floor. He sighed with relief as he rubbed his neck.

"Thank you." he said. She smiled at him.

"Come on, let's take his food and get out of here."

Rey hadn't been kidding about raiding the small kitchen. For a moment he just stared as she began tearing through cupboards and shoving things in a hand-made bag. After a moment he shrugged and began to help. Whatever Alric had owned she was welcome to if she desired it. He didn't relish wearing the bastard's clothes, but he had no choice. Being paraded through town naked once had been one time too many.

They stuffed her little bag full to bursting but she still looked at the other items she couldn't fit with longing. Kylo smiled and went back to Alric's room and took one of his pillow cases. It smelled like him and for a moment Kylo thought he would be sick. He hurried back to Rey and thrust it at her, his expression clear with his distaste.

"What's wrong?" Rey asked, her sweet face the very picture of concern.

"It smells like him." Kylo huffed, still holding it out for her to take. She winced and nodded.

"I can leave the rest." she said in a small voice. Kylo shook his head.

"No, Rey. If you want it, take it. Take whatever you want." she nodded slowly and shrugged. Kylo watched her fill the pillowcase with the rest of Alric's food and tried to be patient. He wanted to get the fuck out of this house, now.

Rey clearly sensed his urgency and hurried to finish her task. His emotions had always been volatile, but he had even less control when he was distressed. He fidgeted constantly as she stuffed the pillowcase, his eyes darted about the room as if the walls were closing in on him. 

"Alright." Rey said. Kylo made to grab the pillowcase from her, but Rey shook her head. "I know you don't want to touch it. I can carry it." he opened his mouth to argue but she strode past him and toward the front door before he could. He was quick to follow her. 

She opened the door and stepped out only to stop when she felt him grab her elbow tight. She stopped and turned to look at him, but he was staring out at the dark street, his eyes wide. She felt his sudden anxiety and she wasn't sure what to make of it. She didn't see anyone outside. It was close to dawn. No lights were on that she could see, either. "It's okay." she urged him with a smile. He nodded, but did not let her go. She began to walk and he continued to cling to her as he followed.

As they got closer to her freighter his anxiety only increased and he was gripping her elbow so tightly she was sure he was going to leave bruises. By the time her freighter was in sight he stopped dead in his tracks and released her. She looked back and saw he was trembling, his eyes wide, his arms wrapped around his middle. "What's wrong?" she asked, alarmed by the sudden terror she felt coming off him.

"Where are we going?" his voice was soft and shook with emotion.

"Do you have some place you want to go? I can take you wherever." Whatever he had been expecting her to say, apparently it had not been that. She could feel the panic blooming in his chest like a cancer. Soon he was gasping, sweating, and shaking like her AT-AT in a sandstorm. His eyes darted back and forth and he wrung his hands and chewed his lower lip. His legs suddenly gave out and he crashed to the dirt. He covered his face and burst into tears. Rey stood for a moment, too stunned to react, then dropped her bags and knelt beside him. After a brief hesitation she pulled him into her arms and he shuddered. "Kylo, what is it?" she asked as gently as she could.

"I don't know what to do!" he sobbed. "I don't know where to go! I- I want to stay with you, but the Resistance will execute me!" Her heart warmed briefly as he confessed his desire to stay by her side. No one had ever said such a thing to her but him. But how could he possibly think she would save him only to lead him to his death?

"Kylo, do you really think I would let that happen? Do you think your Mother would allow that?" He didn't answer, she didn't think he could. He was gasping in panic. She rubbed his back in what she hoped was a soothing manner and eventually he calmed until he was only sniffling miserably. "This is her lightsaber, Kylo. She knew I would need it. She loves you still." She grimaced as he began to sob again. Talking to him was like walking through a minefield. She didn't mean to set him off, but she didn't know what to say to comfort him. The thought of having a mother who loved you unconditionally was something she'd always dreamed of. But then she felt his grief and crushing guilt and she wanted to kick herself. Of course he didn't feel that way. She suddenly saw it clearly: He thought he more than deserved Leia's hate. That she could still love him was agony. That he loved her still hurt even worse. After all he had done he didn't deserve love or forgiveness, despite how he craved both.

The sky was beginning to pale. She had to get him on the ship and away before someone spotted them. She entreated him gently to get on his feet and walk. After a few moments where he tried to collect himself, he rose on wobbly legs. 

He wiped at his face angrily and stared at the ground as they walked. She felt his humiliation and bit her lip. He hated that he had broken down like that, that he had even less control over his emotions than ever before. She felt the shame that flooded him and grabbed his hand on impulse.  
"Kylo, stop doing this to yourself." She pleaded gently. "You've just gone through something horrible. You are allowed to feel however you need to feel. I will never judge you for anything you feel, either. I want to help you. I will never think less of you if things get to be too much and you get upset. It's not a sign of weakness to feel. And if you hold it in, things will only get worse." He sighed and nodded, squeezing her hand gently. 

They boarded the ship and he glanced about as she readied the freighter for take-off. He wasn't sure what to do with himself so he shuffled over to an empty corner and sat down before curling up. He didn't know what to do, what to think. He didn't want to leave Rey. She'd saved him from a fate worse than death. But he was terrified to go to the Resistance. Only Rey looked at him without hatred or revulsion. How was he going to cope when every face he saw looked at him with disgust? He was already disgusted with himself. 

He shuddered as the freighter lifted into the air. He had no choice. What could he do? Where could he go? What did it matter anyway? He had wanted Rey for so long. Dreamed of her, ached for her for so long. And now she was here. He could not leave her without being torn away. He knew with a dreaded certainty that it was the likeliest outcome at the end of this, but at least he could spend some time with her before that happened. He wanted to hold her again. He loved holding her. When she was in his arms he was absolutely sure that nothing bad could happen. He didn't dare ask though. He was tainted. Ruined. She deserved far better than his lowly ilk. He would corrupt her just by association. He was torn. He wanted her- needed her desperately. But he knew he didn't deserve her. He didn't have the courage to ask for a simple hug, despite how fervently he desired her to hold him close to her heart.

He was so lost in a miasma of guilt and self-loathing that he failed to notice her approach. When he finally noticed a body so close to his, he recoiled so violently he struck the back of his head on the durasteel panel behind him. He was still reeling when suddenly his face was pressed to Rey's chest and she wrapped her arms around him. _'Oh, Maker, yes! Yes!'_ He thought as he smelled her sweet scent and felt her tantalizing warmth and softness. He hesitated only a moment before wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her closer. Gods how he needed her. She was the only one who made him feel safe, calm, and dare he think it? Happy?

Gods he hadn't been happy in so long he almost forgot what it was like. To not be angry or fearful or anxious... Well to be fair, he was so anxious his stomach was in knots. But Rey was helping. Just holding her was making the horrible churning in his stomach ease. He didn't know what lay ahead, but if Rey was going to stay by his side, he would endure it. He didn't have a shred of hope that he wouldn't be locked in a cold cell upon their arrival to the Resistance base, so he clung tightly to her, trying not to think about it.

Kylo emerged from the fresher with all the stubble gone from his face. Rey smiled at him as he drew close. He tried to smile back but his lips trembled and his eyes were dark with pain. She put down her data pad and really looked at him. He was far too pale and his pants looked as though he'd washed them and put them back on wet. His hands were shaking and when she patted the bed beside her, urging him to sit he grimaced and shook his head.

"Kylo, what's wrong?" Rey said softly, growing even more concerned.

"I can't." he said, and she felt a flash of humiliation from him, and then he closed his side of the bond.

"What is it? Tell me, please." Rey urged, getting to her feet and clasping his shaking hands. He closed his eyes tight, and shook his head, pulling his hands from hers and crossing his arms over his torso. Her worry only intensified as she took in his defensive posture. He had to know she would never hurt him, not after what he'd already endured. But he was slowly backing away and he wouldn't look at her. "Kylo, please, tell me what is wrong." He shuddered and swallowed before heaving a shaky sigh.

"I'm still bleeding." He whispered, so low Rey almost missed it. Her gut clenched. 

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" He still held himself stiffly and still refused to look at her. 

"I didn't know." He replied. Rey didn't know what to say, but she realized it made sense. He had been so sick when she'd found him, it had taken everything to keep him from death's door. She had assumed she had healed everything. She should have asked.

"I'm so sorry, Kylo." He shook his head abruptly, almost angrily.

"It's not your fault." 

"I should have asked if you were alright earlier."

"I thought I was." He muttered glumly. Rey reached out and touched his elbow.

"Let me help you now." She insisted. He jerked away.

"I don't deserve your help, Rey. You've done enough. I'm fine." He replied hurriedly. Rey shook her head slowly.

"No, Kylo. Don't say that. Do you really think I'm just going to sit here and do nothing when you're in pain-"

"I said I was fine!" He nearly whined, shuffling back further from her. She couldn't understand his sudden hesitancy or his mounting distress. Every step she took closer, he quickly withdrew.

"Kylo. Please. I just want to help." Rey spoke gently, stepping forward with her hands only slightly raised, as if he were a spooked Ronto. When his back hit the wall his breathing accelerated and his knees buckled. He landed on his hands and knees with a strangled cry and scrambled back until he was pressed against the wall again. He curled up as much as a man his size could with his forehead pressed to his knees and his arms up to shield his head. Rey was at a loss. She tried to get a sense of his emotions through the bond but he was blocking her out with everything he had. "Kylo, please. You're scaring me. Please, don't you know I would never hurt you? Talk to me!" She implored.

"I deserve this!" He sobbed. "Don't I Rey? You shouldn't waste your strength when I deserve this after all I've done!" Rey crouched before him.

"Kylo, stop this. What those men did to you was not justice. It was torture-" He finally raised his head to look at her, his face was wet with tears and his cheeks were flushed. His mouth was set in a scowl.

"How can you say that?!" He cried. "After what I did to you?!" Rey stared at him for a moment in shock. How could he even begin to compare that to what he'd just endured? It had been a violation, that was true, but he had only been searching for the map. He hadn't pried into her life, her heart, her dreams, or her desires. He'd sought one thing only, ignoring all the rest. It was as decent as one could be while probing another's mind. And to her it was like comparing a candle flame to a forest fire. One could burn you a little, and the other could burn the marrow from your bones. She had to make him realize how absurd a comparison it was. 

"Did you rape me?" She demanded. She was pleased to see the horrified shock on his face.

"You know I didn't." He muttered, looking away.

"Did you let other men come and rape me?!" She exclaimed. He sighed and angrily scrubbed at his face.

"Rey-" He huffed.

"No! You can't do this to yourself! You are not like them, do you understand?" He eventually nodded, but it didn't seem to matter one way or the other to him. She knew he was just agreeing with her to end the conversation. She wanted to shake some sense into him, but she knew such a thing would be needlessly cruel and would only serve to traumatize him further. She had to tread carefully, as always. "I won't force you to do anything, Kylo. But if you're still bleeding-"

"Enough!" He hissed. Rey ignored him.

"What if you get sick again?! You almost died twice, Kylo! I need to know you're healed! Please! Please, let me help you!" She entreated. She sighed in relief when he finally gave in and nodded. She crawled over to his side and gently wrapped her arms around him. He shuddered as he melted into her embrace.

"I'm sorry Rey." He whispered, clutching her tight. 

"Just relax. Don't worry. Don't be sorry. It's all right, I promise." She concentrated and began healing him.

Rey was curled up in her little bed, sleeping quietly. Kylo was in the fresher washing the blood off himself and his stolen pants again. He hoped it was the last time he had to do it, but panicking and falling had made him bleed even more. He psychically felt much better. He hadn't really realized anything was amiss until he'd gone to the fresher the first time and found blood all over the pants. He was grateful they were so dark, but had scrubbed them frantically anyway. Then the hot water and soap had apparently aggravated wounds he still unknowingly carried. He watched red streak down his leg and swirl with the water. His eyes blurred and then tears spilled down his face. He'd panicked then. He didn't want to tell Rey and have her waste her time and energy healing him yet again. The pain flared up as soon as he stepped out of the fresher, and for each step after that it intensified. 

He desperately searched for some Bacta in the fresher and found nothing. It didn't mean she didn't have any at all, but it would still require him to ask her if she had any. And once he did that she would know something was amiss. Then he would have to explain himself, and that was what he dreaded most.

She already knew enough. She had seen too much, helped so much. He was tired of being a burden. How much more was she willing to put up with before she decided he was too much of a hassle and dropped him off on the nearest planet? He wouldn't even be able to fault her for doing it. He was just not himself. Everything felt wrong. He'd never considered himself the nervous type, but it was his default setting since he'd awoken in Alric's house.

He hadn't meant to argue with Rey, either, but the more she helped him the more guilty he felt. He didn't deserve help from anyone, least of all her. She was far too good for someone like him. He had nothing to offer her but his heart, and his heart had been twisted with hate for so long that he wasn't quite sure if he could even feel love properly. What if he hurt Rey without even realizing it? What if he hurt her intentionally? That idea struck him suddenly as so completely ridiculous once he realized that he couldn't actually imagine being cruel to her on purpose. That made him feel a bit better.

No, he could never hurt her. But she could hurt him so easily. All she had to do was cast him aside and his fragile heart would shatter into a thousand pieces. He didn't think Rey would do so unless she felt she had no other choice. He resolved to be very careful to never give her a reason to shun him. He would do anything she asked, as long as she didn't ask him to leave her. He couldn't do that, that would be something she would have to do. And if that day ever came, he knew he would have no pride stopping him from throwing himself at her feet and begging her to reconsider.

Just imagining it made him bite his lower lip hard to keep from crying. He needed her. Gods when had he become such a broken, pathetic thing? Rey would never want someone like him. He was too damaged. He was so full of fear and anxiety at all times, before Rey had healed him for the third time he'd been sure he was going to be sick.

He pulled the still wet pants back on and shivered. He felt gross, despite being clean. His shirt, at least, was dry. He left the fresher and saw Rey sitting up, rubbing her eyes. She yawned and Kylo smiled wistfully. She looked adorable, all rumpled from sleep, her hair wild. She blinked sleepily at him then noticed his wet hair and shivering form.

"Are you alright? I- I thought I healed you!" She blurted in shock. 

"I'm fine. Just cleaning up again." He said through chattering teeth. 

"Here I found these onboard a few days ago. I don't know who they belong to, but they look big enough to fit you." She opened a panel and pulled out a pair of turquoise sleep pants and handed them to him along with another towel. "Dry your hair some more, you look like you're freezing." He quickly returned to the refresher, happy to change into something dry.

When he came back out, Rey was happily munching on the food she'd taken from Alric's. She patted the bed next to her again. There wasn't anywhere else to sit but the floor, but still he hesitated. Rey immediately looked wary. 

"Kylo." She began, and the disapproval in her voice made him cringe. "Did I heal you, or not?" Relief flooded him.

"Yes, Rey, I'm fine. I swear." He said with a small smile. Her answering smile was huge and melted his heart.

"Then sit! Eat!" She patted the bed again and he sat beside her without further hesitation. "Try this!" She said, handing him a purple and white Jogan fruit. He realized with a pang that she likely had never had one judging by her exuberance, but he couldn't be sure.

"Are they your favorite?" He asked before taking a bite.

"This is the first time I've tried them!" She said, her eyes alight. He smiled softly even as his heart ached. He would be more than happy to rob, cheat, or steal to get her anything she wanted. He doubted very much that she would allow it, but he also doubted that he'd ever be able to earn a credit honestly. He could be a bounty hunter if there wasn't already a likely astronomical price on his head. 

He held the fruit in his hand as Rey continued to eat, unaware of his turmoil. What was he going to do with his life? He really was useless to Rey. He could defend her, but did she even need him for that? If ever she did, he would gladly throw himself at Death's feet to spare her. At the very least he could be useful to her once. His stomach was churning again. He swallowed the fruit with difficulty. He couldn't shake this crippling dread of being a burden to Rey. She had survived hardships he'd never had to endure and come out stronger. He had shattered like so much glass. She didn't need him dragging her down with him. 

He couldn't eat any more. In fact, he was certain he was going to be sick. He stumbled to his feet and lurched into the refresher just in time to throw up the tiny bit he'd eaten. But even then his stomach continued to cramp as he choked and retched. When he finally stopped heaving her realized Rey was rubbing his back and trying to heal him yet again. 

"I'm fine." He groaned.

"You're not!" She argued. 

"But you can't heal me any more, can you?" When she did not respond he sighed. "I'm fine Rey."

"You won't tell me when you're hurt or sick, why should I believe you?" He bit his lip as pain lanced through him. She had no reason to trust him, but to hear that she didn't hurt terribly. He flushed the chewed up fruit and bile away and stood on shaking legs. He didn't know what to say. He didn't want her mistrust but he deserved it just like everything else. He tried to move past her, to not let her see the hurt that he knew was on his face, but she blocked his path. He shrank back before he realized it and Rey sighed. "Kylo, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I'm just worried. You haven't eaten in hours and one tiny bite makes you sick. What am I supposed to think?" He shrugged helplessly.

"I'm not lying to you." He muttered. 

"At least come and lie down for awhile. Maybe some rest will help." Rey urged. Kylo nodded. He didn't want to argue. He just couldn't explain to her that he had literally just worried himself sick. How could he admit that without sounding pathetic? He followed Rey back to the little bed and sat. “Lie down.” Rey instructed. Kylo obeyed without hesitation. He didn’t want to anger her. He would try not to withhold things from her, even if it was difficult. He just didn’t want her to think less of him than she already did. She sat beside him and began to run her fingers through his hair. He loved when she did that. It made him feel special, cared for. And also sleepy. He felt his eyes drifting shut as Rey nibbled on snacks and gently rubbed his scalp. It was the best way to fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May the Fourth be with you!! I had to get this posted today! Poor Kylo is feeling a bit helpless without Rey and it's only gonna get worse before it get's better! I hope you liked this chapter, please let me know if there's any tags I need to add or anything you would like to see happen!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey wasn’t used to anyone needing her, but she found that she didn’t mind at all. In fact, it was actually nice, or perhaps it would be if her efforts were actually yielding positive results. So far all she had done was gotten him to stop crying a few times. She wanted to make him smile.

This was a different room than he remembered. It was much darker, he could barely see his hand in front of his face. When he moved he was chained at his waist, wrists, ankles, and his neck was encircled by the hated collar. Chains hung from the ceiling adorned with bloody hooks.  
_‘This can’t be right!’_ He thought, terror filling him. Rey had come! She had saved him, hadn’t she? Or was he still caught in a fever dream as he lay in blood and filth? He saw glowing eyes everywhere, watching him. He felt the cold air on his naked form. He was on display again, but the shame was compounded by a terrifying certainty: When they were done devouring him with their eyes, they would tear him apart and consume his flesh slowly. He wasn’t sure how he knew, but in those glowing eyes he saw that they intended to savor him, bite by bite.  
He heard a familiar hiss of a door opening and he cringed at the hated sound. Light spilled over his form and he sucked in a shocked gasp. He was covered in bleeding gashes and purple bruises. He couldn’t feel a thing, but maybe he had been drugged again?  
A familiar silhouette filled the doorway and entered the room. It was Alric, but he was already in the advanced stages of decay. The reek that filled the room instantly made Kylo begin to choke and retch.  
“What is the matter, pretty one? Am I not to your liking?” he sneered as he drew close. “Don’t you enjoy your little Jedi witch’s handiwork?” Kylo couldn’t answer. He could barely breathe through the cloying stench.  
“Get away!” Kylo gasped.  
Before he could register what had happened, Alric was on top of him, inside him, thrusting brutally. Maggots fell from his gaping mouth onto Kylo. He couldn’t help but scream.

Rey was inputting new coordinates for Malastare after receiving a transmission that the Resistance was moving when she heard a hoarse scream from the tiny bedroom. She bolted from her seat and tore into the room to find Kylo thrashing in panic, caught in a nightmare.  
“Get off me!” he screamed, his face wet with tears.  
“Kylo!” Rey cried, trying to wake him. She wanted to shake him, but she was worried he would become even more unhinged. “Kylo!” she yelled again.  
He awoke with a start and lay gasping, his eyes wide with fright. Tears still dropped freely down his temples and into his hair. She turned on a small light and frowned when he quickly rolled over so that his back was facing her. She saw how badly he trembled and it made her heart ache. “Kylo, it’s alright. It’s over now.”  
He shook his head rapidly and clutched his head as if it was pounding viciously. “Are you in pain?” she asked, stepping closer. He shook his head again. She carefully sat on the mattress beside him and he clapped his hands over his mouth just in time to stifle a sob, but she heard it and he knew it. Then he covered his head with his arms and shoved his face into her pillow, more sobs tearing free.  
She gently placed her hand on his shoulder and frowned when he curled up even more, drawing his knees up to his chest. “Kylo, I swear, I only want to help you. Don’t you believe me?” he continued to cry as quietly as he could. He was beyond speaking. She nudged gently at his side of the bond and he finally gave in and opened his side in turn.  
She was flooded by pain and fear so intense her knees would have given out had she been standing. She saw fragments of his nightmare, saw Alric’s rotting face hovering over his, felt his fleshless fingers wrenching Kylo’s knees apart. She choked in disgust and slammed her hand over her mouth.  
_‘Oh Maker.’_ she thought, willing herself not to vomit. _‘Don’t cry, it will just upset him more!’_ she thought furiously as her eyes began to burn. She had to be strong for him. He needed her. Under all the pain and horror she felt the undercurrent of his desperate need for her and the comfort she offered. But entwined with that need was a fear of rejection so profound he didn’t dare ask her for something so simple as a hug. It broke her heart.  
She went to the other side of the bed and knelt before him and did her best to gather him close in a hug. He only curled up tighter, but she could feel his relief. Yet it was quickly drowned out by shame. He hated himself then with a vitriol that shocked her. _‘Weak! Pathetic! Coward!’_ Was screaming through the bond. “Kylo, stop.” she gasped, squeezing him tighter. “Please, don’t think that.” And with a shiver he closed his side of the bond.  
He didn’t pull away. He continued to sniffle quietly as she held him in an awkward embrace, and slowly he began to relax. She rubbed his back the way she knew he liked, and eventually his breathing slowed and she realized he had fallen back to sleep. 

She went back to the pilot’s seat and picked up her datapad and looked up information on Malastare. The trip would be a day shorter than it had taken her to reach Nevarro, and for that she was grateful. She didn’t much enjoy the coldness of space. It was beautiful, to be sure. But the recycled air was something she could not get used to.  
What worried her the most was Kylo’s reaction to their shortened journey. Maybe it would be helpful to stop somewhere first for a few days to give Kylo some time to try and come to terms with what had happened. It would be even more difficult to cope surrounded by Resistance members. She knew how much he dreaded it. She needed to send a message to Leia.

The past week had been a terrifying one for Leia Organa. Twice had she felt her son’s life fading through the Force, and twice her heart had nearly broken. She could only assume his captors had given him medical treatment to prolong his torture. She felt both relief that he still lived and horror for what he must be enduring. She had prayed daily that Rey would reach him in time.

She knew one day her son would face a terrible reckoning for all the horrible things he’d done, but this scenario had never played out in her imagination. What mother could imagine such a thing befalling her son? Especially someone like Ben who was so strong physically, and with the Force as well? She shook her head in dismay. It was unfortunately more common than people realized. She had once been forced to endure the humiliation of the slave collar. She had used the very chain binding her to strangle the Hutt, Jabba.

Leia heard a notification for an incoming Holo-transmission. She was relieved to see Rey upon accepting.

“Have you found him?” Leia asked before she could stop herself.

“Yes.” Rey said with a sad smile that immediately had Leia alarmed.

“What is it, Rey? Please, tell me.” Rey sighed and nodded.

“I don’t think I can bring him back right away. He’s… Extremely fragile.” she replied. “I was hoping I could take him to Naboo for a bit. I-” she broke off with a shrug. “He just can’t handle anything or anyone who might hurt him right now. He needs to be somewhere he feels safe and honestly I don’t know if he truly believes that I won’t hurt him. I mean, I keep telling him and doing everything I can to help but, I don’t know.”

“Oh, Ben.” Leia sighed, wiping tears away. “He always did have a hard time trusting people.” Rey shook her head.

“It’s not that, exactly. He thinks he deserved what happened despite the fact that he’s never done anything close to what was done to him. Leia, he almost died twice from what they did!” Leia nodded, her eyes closed tight.

“I felt it.” she replied.

“I did too, and if it wasn’t for the bond I wouldn’t have been able to heal him.”

“That was you?” Leia said, smiling softly. Rey nodded, her expression forlorn.

“One time he wouldn’t let me. He said he wasn’t dying and it was going to keep happening as long as he was there and-” Rey covered her mouth to stifle a sob. Leia continued to swipe at her eyes with a tissue. “He said if I hadn’t healed him then it wouldn’t have hurt so bad! And I felt terrible, but I had to! And I told him, but he still wouldn’t let me and then he was so sick when I got there. For half a cycle I couldn’t connect with him because he was unconscious the whole time.” Rey wiped her face with her sleeve, not caring how it looked. “And even then, I thought I’d healed him completely, but earlier I could tell something was wrong and he didn’t want to tell me, but he finally admitted he was still bleeding and then he still said I shouldn’t heal him and waste my time on him, that he deserved it.” Rey shook her head with a sigh.

“Did he let you heal him, though?” Leia prodded, worried.

“Yes. Physically he is well, but he can’t even eat without getting sick, he’s so nervous all the time, I just had to wake him from a nightmare because I heard him screaming. He finally opened the bond after shutting me out for hours and he’s just so anxious and he’s desperate for someone to just-” she shrugged and threw up her hands ”-give a shit about him. He always wants a hug and he is always too afraid to ask because he only expects rejection. He honestly can’t fathom that everyone doesn’t want to hurt him at this point. And he’s not wrong. He only has me and you, and he feels too terrible about what he’s done to see you just yet. I know it, although I wish he felt differently.”

“I understand, Rey.” Leia said. It hurt, but her son was always fragile in a way. The smallest of slights always wounded him deeply. And he had a difficult time forgiving others for it. To be so horribly mistreated... She knew Rey was right. “Take him wherever you see fit. Take as long as he needs. If anyone can help him it's you.” Rey finally smiled, though it trembled a bit, and Leia knew her own smile did as well.

Kylo was running as fast as he could, which was hardly fast at all considering he felt like he had a Jawa clinging to each leg. He was in a dark forest again. It was cold and there was no sun. He was completely naked and snow was beginning to fall. If he actually outran his pursuers he would die of exposure anyway.  
He was in a room then. He didn’t recall being captured, but he knew he had been. The room was all too familiar and he was on his hands and knees, chained even more securely than before. His collar was secured to the floor by a length of chain so short, he could not raise himself from his position. He couldn’t move at all. Then he felt hands all over him, groping, pinching, and scratching. Thick fingers entered him and he cried out in pain. Someone grabbed his ears and he gasped.  
_“Stop your blubbering and eat me.”_ a sinister voice hissed. The fingers ramming into him became a massive cock that was tearing him wide open. He screamed and screamed.

Rey burst into the sleep chamber again after hearing Kylo’s terrified cries.

“Stop!” he sobbed, flailing wildly.

“Kylo!” Rey bellowed, standing as close as she dared. He awoke with a violent start and just stared at Rey while he gasped and sobbed. She sat beside him when he closed his eyes tight and covered his face with his shaking hands. He had only gotten an hour of sleep this time, and it hadn’t even been that long before the first nightmare had woken him up. After a while he wiped his face and lay sniffling staring despondently at nothing. He was lying facing her this time which was an improvement, but he looked exhausted. She reached out slowly so he had ample time to pull away, and when he didn’t she brushed his hair back from his face. He looked so sad, she felt her heart ache. She wished there was something she could do to make him smile. His stomach growled loudly and he winced. “Kylo, won’t you try to eat something? Or I could make you some hot chocolate with tang bark. Would you like that?” When he remained silent she began to rub his shoulder softly. “Kylo? Please let me make you something. You need to eat. Even just a little bit. It’s been hours, almost a full cycle, hasn’t it? I know you’re hungry.” As if his stomach was paying close attention to the one-sided conversation, it grumbled loudly as if in agreement. Rey smiled softly, but it faded quickly when she saw another tear spill from Kylo’s eye and drip down the side of his nose. “How about a digestive biscuit? If you’re still not feeling well?” he finally responded with a shrug.

She jumped to her feet, happy to finally be able to do something for him, but before she could take a step he gasped and clutched her wrist with both hands. He shivered and his eyes were closed tight but she heard through the bond as loudly as if he’d spoken: _‘Don’t go!’_ She sighed and sat beside him again.

“Tell me what’s wrong, Kylo. Do you feel sick? The biscuits are supposed to help with that. If you’re still tired it will be easier to sleep-”

“No!” he gasped, his eyes haunted. “I don’t want to sleep anymore.” While she was relieved that he was finally speaking, she couldn’t help but disagree with him. He clearly needed rest. But the nightmares were obviously making that difficult. She could feel through the bond that he was afraid to go back to sleep.

“Okay, well then I want you to eat something. Or at least let me make you the hot chocolate.” she demanded. “You have to have something.” She was not going to back down on this. She wouldn’t let him starve himself. He heaved a sigh and then sat up.

“Alright Rey.”

He rose from the bed when she did and he followed her as she moved about the freighter. She bade him sit at the tiny table and she felt his eyes on her the entire time. She wondered at his behavior. He was so quiet and he just looked so sad, she didn’t know what she could possibly do to help.  
Rey wasn’t used to anyone needing her, but she found that she didn’t mind at all. In fact, it was actually nice, or perhaps it would be if her efforts were actually yielding positive results. So far all she had done was gotten him to stop crying a few times. She wanted to make him smile.  
Rose had taught her to make hot chocolate with tang bark, and she had quickly become addicted. She made Kylo a cup and set it before him then gave him a digestive biscuit which he ignored in favor of the hot chocolate. The small smile she saw on his lips after he had taken a small sip lifted her spirits considerably. 

“I found an old holoseries called “Zeltrons in Love” that I wanted to watch if you don’t mind.” Rey said. For a moment Kylo looked completely indifferent, then he snatched up the holo and scanned the back with what could almost be described as trepidation. After a bit he sighed and tossed it back to her with a rueful smile. 

“What is it?” Rey asked, confused by his behavior.

“Apparently there was an episode that only aired once involving one of the characters stalking… My mother.” he winced, then shook his head laughing briefly. “She was going to sue them if they ever showed it again.” Rey just sat there in stunned silence for a moment.

“How bizarre!” she exclaimed. “I think I would be pretty upset too. Honestly, I have only seen a few shows. I have no idea what is current. I hope no one has done anything like that about me or you!”

Kylo’s face suddenly lost all color and he staggered to his feet. Rey jumped to her feet as well, alarmed by his sudden change in demeanor.  
“No!” he gasped. Then he bolted. Rey stood for a moment in shocked disbelief. What had happened? She hurried after him and found him back in bed, his face buried in the pillow as he sobbed uncontrollably.

“Kylo, what is it?!” Rey cried in dismay as she hurried to his side. “What’s wrong?” he shook his head and cried harder. Rey tried to reach him through the bond and then she heard it: the voice of the man she had slain in order to free Kylo, snarling, _‘That’s right! Cry, Kylo! Suffer! And smile for the camera!’_. Rey gasped, her hand flying up to cover her mouth too late.  
“Oh, Maker.” Rey choked. She had to get him to stop, he was going to be sick again. Then a thought occurred to her. “You saw a holo-recorder? Are you sure? What if he was lying?” Rey tried to reason with him.

“I- I don’t know!” He gasped, lifting his head from the pillow. “Did you? I- the room was full of junk I- I’m not- I didn’t notice!” he stammered between sobs.

“Shh.” Rey said, rubbing his scalp gently. It seemed one of the easiest ways to soothe him quickly. “I didn’t notice anything, no.” she said, hoping he would leave it at that.

“Why would he lie about that?” Kylo asked in a small voice. Under that she felt his urgency for her touch. She gently tugged his elbow until he sat up.

“To upset you.” she replied, hoping it was true. She sat beside him and carefully put her arms around him. He shuddered and pressed his forehead to her shoulder. She felt his tears wetting her tunic. “We could go back and make sure..” she offered.

“It would be too late. He had people coming by at all hours. Someone has to have found him by now.” he said softly, “I don’t think I could go back anyway.” The admission hurt him to utter, his fears were a source of great humiliation for him.

“It’s all right, I won’t make you do anything that you don’t want to do.” she assured him.

“What if he sent holo’s to Hux? He- he said he was his half-brother. What if he wasn’t lying, Rey?” he clutched her tight and sobbed again. “They- they could post it on the HoloNet and- and-” Rey winced, God’s she prayed that wasn’t true. Things like that would follow a person for their entire life. Once it was on the HoloNet there was no way to stop it from spreading. She felt sick. She didn’t want to lie to him, but she could feel his panic escalating. She had to calm him down.

“Kylo, just listen to me: We don’t know that. I know that’s a shitty thing to say, but you’re going to make yourself sick-” he suddenly shoved her away and scrambled off the bed choking. He retched and she heard vomit hit the floor. Rey hurriedly brushed away tears from her eyes and went to his side.

Finally his tears stopped, but it took everything she had to get him to calm down. She got him back in bed, cleaned up the mess, and after a brief deliberation she climbed into bed beside him and pressed his head to her chest. She was relieved when he melted in her arms with a quivering sigh. She could feel his muscles going lax and hear his thoughts grow quiet. His overwhelming gratitude at such a simple gesture still made her heart ache. She hoped one day he would be able to expect the affection he deserved. And she had to admit, it felt right when he was in her arms. It was like he belonged there.

Kylo awoke in Rey’s arms. No nightmares had woken him, and he wondered how long he had slept. Rey was asleep, and he was content to lie there and watch her.  
Only she could make him feel the way he did then. Nothing mattered but being there with her. He dreaded the touch of another, but not hers. She made him feel safe and calm. It was amazing how easily she did it. He loved when she rubbed his scalp or idly played with his hair, but that was nothing compared to when she held him. That made him feel like nothing could hurt him.  
He wondered what it would be like to kiss her. He had wanted to for a long time. He’d wanted more than that, but now the idea made him incredibly nervous. He’d heard of victims of rape who had… problems with normal intimacy after that. And wouldn’t that be just his luck? He imagined being lucky enough that Rey would allow him to touch her, only to burst into tears and hysteria. He shuddered. That he wouldn’t be able to withstand. He could see himself snatching up her lightsaber and turning it on himself in a frenzy of shame and rage.  
He shook his head and tried to ignore the thoughts. He didn’t even know if Rey would ever permit him that honor. And if she did, he would simply have to go slowly. What else could he do? If there came a day that she actually could return his feelings, he would do anything she asked. He honestly couldn’t see how that could upset him in any way. She was his sun and moon and all the stars in between. He could never hurt her, and he knew she wasn’t lying when she told him the same. And he believed her when she said she would never force him to do anything. That meant more to him than he could properly express. For so long he couldn’t say that about anyone. Someone always wanted something from him, or wanted to hurt him, or both. Rey only wanted to help him. She was a miracle. He didn’t deserve her, but God’s, he wished he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the short chapter but I wanted to post it right away! Comments are always appreciated!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Listen. I need to tell you something, but you have to promise me that you will keep this to yourself. I mean it, too. You can’t tell Rose, or Poe, or anyone. I shouldn’t even be telling you this but it may be the only way you will understand why I had to do what I did.” Finn looked alarmed.

Kylo was still holding Rey when she finally woke up. He hadn’t been able to sleep again, and he hadn’t wanted to either. He was content to hold her as long as she would let him.  
“You’re so warm.” she groaned softly and he felt his cock stir at the lovely sound. He was a tiny bit relieved when she let him go and sat up, although he loved having her there, he didn’t want to scare her off by rubbing his engorged cock against her. He wouldn’t do such a thing unless he was certain she wanted him to. He could never hurt her like that. “Come on, let’s eat.” Rey said after she got out of the ‘fresher.  
“I’ll be there in a bit.” he said. He needed to get the horrible taste out of his mouth first. He had vomited and he hadn’t had the chance to do anything after that other than fall asleep in Rey’s arms afterwards. It was a good thing that she fit best with her head tucked under his chin, he’d hate to blow vomit breath in her face all night. Just the thought made him quiver with disgust and he hurried to the ‘fresher.

She had a cup of hot chocolate with tang bark waiting for him and he couldn’t help but smile. Her whole face lit up as a result and she ushered him over. She had a small dish of sticky buns and a Shuura fruit cut into pieces. He wondered if she was trying to tempt him with a bunch of sugar. It seemed likely, judging by her expectant expression. He sat down and grabbed the hot chocolate.  
“I had an idea, and I thought you might like it. At least, I hope you do.” She began, her expression hopeful. He nodded for her to continue. “I thought it would be best if we went somewhere for a little bit before we meet up with your mother.” He tried not to worry. She said ‘we’, she didn’t imply he would be alone.  
“What did you have in mind?” he asked. Her eyes lit up again and he found himself smiling again despite his sudden nervousness.  
“Well I first heard about this place when I was on Jakku. A storyteller came and told us all about it. How it has lots of water- oh! And I’ve always wanted to see a waterfall, and there’s lots of them there. And I heard it’s so beautiful with huge fields full of flowers of every color, and long beaches by the water, and swamps and lakes, and it just sounded so wonderful! I always wanted to learn to swim, too!” he was entranced by the loveliness of her face as it lit up with wonder, but something was bothering him still. He couldn’t shake it.  
“Okay, what is this wonderful planet called?”  
“Naboo!” she sighed. He felt his face go numb with shock. Of all the places.. No wonder he had felt that icy finger of doubt trailing up his spine. His Grandmother’s home planet. A place his Grandfather had loved just as much. His Grandfather who was raised in the desert as a slave. No wonder it appealed to Rey. She had no idea what that place meant to him. She couldn’t. She was confused by his stony silence, he could feel it. “...Is that okay?” she asked, hesitantly. She didn’t know. She didn’t know how the ghosts of the past would haunt him, but he knew he couldn’t deny her.  
‘That’s fine, Rey. Whatever you want.” he replied woodenly. Her expression fell. He hadn’t meant to sound so callous, but his throat felt strangely tight.  
“This isn’t about me, Kylo. You’re right. I should have let you decide where we went-” he cursed himself as he saw the hope fade from her eyes.  
“No, it’s fine! Really! It sounds perfect.” he said, forcing himself to smile.  
“Really?” Rey asked, cautiously hopeful. Kylo nodded quickly.  
“Really. I swear.”

After they had eaten, (Kylo’s appetite had vanished, but he forced himself to eat enough to keep Rey happy) Rey asked if he wouldn’t mind watching another Holofilm she had found, called ‘Airtaxi Driver’. He cringed.  
“Rey, I don’t think you will like it.”  
“How about ‘Lightspeed Lightweight’?” he shrugged. He’d never heard of it.  
It turned out to be a typical pod-racing vid about a kid who beats the arrogant champion at the end. Kylo rolled his eyes so many times at all the predictable plot devices, they were starting to hurt. But Rey seemed to enjoy it so he kept his mouth shut. It was difficult, but he managed.  
Next was “Easy Spacer” which was another old one he had never seen. He couldn’t help but laugh at the shock on Rey’s face when the entire holo was about two men traveling, doing spice, sleeping around, and eventually being murdered for no apparent reason by two other random men.  
“That was awful!” Rey exclaimed at the end.  
“You would like ‘Airtaxi Driver’ even less.” he said with a chuckle.

After two holodramas, Kylo was restless. The freighter was small and there was not room for much physical activity. He began to do sit-ups, hooking his feet under the small bed, and continued until he felt like he was going to pull a muscle. When he decided to do push-ups, Rey entered the small bedroom and he had an idea.  
“Rey? Would you sit here-” he pointed to the area between his shoulder blades. “-while I do push-ups?” Her smile was genuine, but bemused.  
“Does that help?” she asked. He eyed her up and down with a smile that made her blush.  
“Every bit helps, and I’m getting tired of sitting around.” she nodded.  
“I know what you mean.” she sighed.  
“You could stand on my back and try to balance.” he offered. “That might be slightly challenging.” She apparently liked the idea, because she hurriedly set aside her datapad and motioned him to lie down. She kicked off her boots and came to stand beside him. She hesitated as she raised a foot.  
“Where do I stand?”  
“Wherever you can, I suppose.”  
She began with a wide stance, one foot planted between his shoulder blades and one foot planted at the small of his back.  
“Woah!” she cried as he raised himself up. She wobbled a bit but didn’t fall.  
“Okay?” he asked as he held himself still.  
“Okay!” Rey said and he smiled.

“Okay, get off!” Kylo announced and Rey jumped off before he dropped to the ground with a thud. His arms were aching and he was covered in sweat. He needed to wash it off but when he tried to push himself onto his hands and knees his arms refused to cooperate. He groaned in annoyance and pain. He had over done it again. It had been awhile, but he knew the feeling still.  
“Kylo? Are you okay?” Rey asked.  
“Yeah.” he huffed.  
“Are you going to get up?” she said, sounding amused.  
“Eventually.” he admitted, feeling embarrassed. He felt her hands on his elbow and shoulder tugging at him until he rolled onto his back with a groan.  
“Okay, come on!” she said, grabbing his hands and pulling until he sat up with a pained wince. Then she stepped on his feet and tugged, leaning back with all her weight and with a grunt he pulled himself upright.  
“Thanks.” He murmured, flushing.  
“Use the healing setting, please.” she said with a smile. 

After dinner, Rey wanted to watch Gar-Jen vs. Gargantua. He had seen it long ago as a child, but barely remembered it. He didn’t care, either way. He had actually been hungry after he’d gotten out of the ‘fresher and had eaten everything Rey had pushed his way. He was full and sleepy when she started the holo, and knew he would probably not make it past the opening credits.

He was in a strange house full of tiny rooms and each room had too many people in it. Some of the rooms looked vaguely familiar, but there was always something that didn’t make sense. There was a set of stairs that led to an old door barred shut with rotting boards that looked older than the house itself. He knew if he opened the door something bad would come out. He walked past the stairs and didn’t look back, even when he heard a muffled, furious cry.  
The wooden floors were rotting and bowed or cracked alarmingly with each step. Everywhere he looked he saw people he didn’t know, and the one person he wanted to see he couldn’t find. He had to find Rey. Where was she? How could people fit in these tiny rooms? The one room had three people inside but how they had gotten in when he could only fit his head in the little door was a mystery. Rey wasn’t within so he moved on. Each room was bizarre in it’s own way. Some were decorated in one color. Some had walls covered with art, some had drawers and cabinets everywhere. Each room was full of people and none of them were Rey. He had to find her. He had a sinking feeling in his gut that she was in trouble. But then it occurred to him that maybe she didn’t want him to find her. He had checked every tiny room more than once he was certain.  
He left the house and there she was.  
“Where have you been?” he cried. Her face was the picture of disdain.  
“Stop bothering me.” she said. “You’re always following me around and I’m tired of you.” She could have driven a knife into his heart then and it would have hurt less. He didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t speak. He wanted to scream at her. How could she hurt him like this? What had he done?  
She walked down a path, away from him and he couldn’t follow her. He was held down by chains again.  
“Rey!” he screamed.

He woke alone gasping desperately. The end credits of Gar-Jen vs. Gargantua were rolling past. Rey was in the ‘fresher, he could hear water running. He rolled onto his side away from the ‘fresher door and tried not to cry. It was a hopeless struggle once again, it was something he worried about incessantly: Rey would tire of him and his pathetic dependency of her. She would abandon him. His heart would shatter and he would die of grief like his Grandmother Padmé. He smothered himself with the pillow that was still damp with earlier tears. _‘I’m pathetic.’_ he thought as he cried softly.

Rey stepped out of the refresher and saw Kylo huddled under the blankets, his face mashed into his pillow. He wasn’t making noise, but she saw him quivering. He had his side of the bond closed again. She hurried to his side.  
“Kylo.” she said softly. He hurriedly rubbed his face against the pillow and raised his head with a sigh.  
“Rey.” he said with a weak smile.  
“Are you okay?” she asked, brushing his hair back from his face. He nodded.  
“I’m fine, Rey.” he murmured. She knew he was lying and was about to question him further when she heard a call signal coming from the cockpit.  
“I’d better get that.” she stood with a sigh. Kylo sat up and rubbed his face. “Just stay here.” she brushed his hair back from his face. “Try to sleep. I was just about to come to bed anyway.” he heaved a trembling sigh and obediently lay down, but he did not close his eyes.  
She made her way to the cockpit, rubbing her face tiredly. Whoever it was had rotten timing. She had just been about to crawl back into bed for the night. She opened the call and saw Finn.  
“Hey, Finn.” she said with a tired smile.  
“Did I wake you?” he cried, sounding aghast. She chuckled.  
“No, I was about to go to bed, but that’s ok, what’s going on?” Finn looked abashed.  
“I was just wondering if you were on your way back. Did you help your friend?” Rey nodded and shrugged at the same time. She was full of indecision. Finn was the only other person besides her and Leia who actually knew what Kylo looked like. She had to tell him, didn’t she? He was her best friend after all. “Rey?” he asked, when the silence grew.  
“He’s not doing so good. He-” she broke off and gnawed her lower lip. Did she tell him everything? Or would it be better to remain vague until it was absolutely necessary? She didn’t want to lie to him,  
“Is everything okay?” Finn, as always, was kind and solicitous.  
“I told Leia that we will be going to Naboo for awhile. He is having a really hard time dealing with what happened-”  
“Who is this guy, anyway?” Finn asked. “Did you know him on Jakku?” Rey sighed. She had to tell him, but she was afraid. What if Finn hated her after this? Kylo had almost killed him. The only way was to be brutally honest. She just hoped Finn and Kylo would forgive her.  
“Listen. I need to tell you something, but you have to promise me that you will keep this to yourself. I mean it, too. You can’t tell Rose, or Poe, or anyone. I shouldn’t even be telling you this but it may be the only way you will understand why I had to do what I did.” Finn looked alarmed.  
“Okay, Rey, you’re scaring me now. What did you do?” Rey frowned at him.  
“Do you swear? Promise me Finn or I’m ending this call right now.”  
“Okay! I promise!”  
“You swear you’re alone? No one will overhear you?”  
“Here, look.” he said, swiveling the holo around so she could see the empty room he was in. It was just a single sleeper and he was the only one occupying it.  
“Okay. You aren’t going to like this, and I’m sorry. I don’t want you to hate me, but if you do, I understand.”  
“Rey, what is going on? Just tell me!” Finn was growing more nervous by the second.  
“Kylo Ren is with me.” Finn just stared at her blankly for a moment before scowling.  
“What are you talking about?” he said, his voice flat.  
“We are bonded through the Force. It is very rare, from what little we know. I’d been blocking him out for months, but early this week he got through. He wasn’t trying to, it just happened. I could hear him screaming and-” she shuddered. “They did things to him that even he isn’t capable of. Repeatedly. I had to heal him twice just to keep him alive.”  
“But why, Rey?” Finn’s voice was hard then. “Why not let him die?” This is what she had feared, Finn didn’t understand.  
“I can’t. I care about him too much.” Finn snorted in disgust. “Please, just listen to me for a second. Snoke has been fucking with his head since he was a baby. Can you imagine what that did to him? He didn’t even realize it until I told him about it. I saw all the damage Snoke inflicted on his mind. He manipulated Kylo’s memories and spewed poison into his heart for so long, he doesn’t even know who he is anymore.” Finn’s eyes clouded with doubt at that.  
“Seriously?” Rey nodded sadly.  
“He never would have killed Han otherwise. Everything bad he’s ever done is a direct result of Snoke using him like a puppet. And I promise you, he is incapable of doing to others what was done to him.” The anger was draining from Finn’s face. He knew what it meant to be brainwashed and controlled. He sighed.  
“Well it must have been pretty bad if you won’t even say what they did to him.” Rey smiled weakly.  
“You probably wouldn’t recognize him now.” she shrugged. “He just doesn’t want to be hurt anymore. I’m doing my best to help, but he’s never going to be the same.” Finn chuckled weakly.  
“Isn’t that a good thing?”  
“In a way, I suppose.” she shrugged again. Finn frowned, but looked more concerned than angry.  
“You said he’s not doing so good?”  
“Earlier at dinner was the first time he ate without getting sick immediately after. When he isn’t blocking me out I can feel how nervous he is, and it’s damn near constantly. He has nightmares every time he goes to sleep. He literally just woke from one when you called. I told him to go back to sleep because he’s exhausted, but he’s probably still awake. Honestly, I am not sure how to help him. Every time I mention going back to the Resistance, he nearly has a panic attack. Well, not nearly- he does. It's hard to know what will set him off.”  
“He hasn’t hurt you, has he?” Finn nearly growled, his expression dark. Rey shook her head with a soft smile.  
“No, he hasn’t. He’s always worrying that I plan to ditch him somewhere, as if I could actually do that to someone. Every time I’ve tried to heal him when he wasn’t dying he argued with me. He says he deserves to suffer and I’m wasting time and energy on him.” Finn looked surprised at that.  
“Huh.” was all he said.  
“He thinks he’s just a burden and I keep trying to tell him, he’s really not. Honestly, I feel like I’m not doing enough. But I’m not sure what to do. How do you help someone who has been hurt so badly?” Finn shook his head with a sigh.  
“Rey, he’s going to need to talk to a professional if he’s half as bad as what you’re saying. I know you want to help, but sometimes people need a real doctor.”  
“I know.” Rey admitted. “But even if he just has a few days where he doesn’t have to worry about anything would help a lot. I’m sure of it.”  
“How do you know he’s going to cooperate with us? What makes you think he won’t just start killing people?”  
“Because I’ve been in his head many times now. He will defend himself or me if he has to, but otherwise he just wants to be left alone. The only person I can see him attempting to kill would be General Hux-”  
“Er, he’s ‘Supreme Leader’, now.” Rey nodded.  
“I figured. Anyway, Hux is the one who drugged him and sold him.” Finn blinked rapidly at that, his eyes wide.  
“Sold him?!” he gaped. Rey groaned internally.  
“Finn, I really don’t think you need to know any more. I shouldn’t have said that.” Finn looked queasy.  
“You don’t have to say any more. I.. I get it.” Rey sighed wearily. “He’s really going to need to talk to a professional, Rey.”  
“I know. But I promised him I would never force him to do anything, so it’s up to him.” Finn winced.  
“I get it.” he shook his head. “I really do. Okay, Rey. I just hope he’s worth the faith you have in him.” Rey smiled.  
“I know you don’t get the whole ‘Force Bond’ thing, but I’d know if he’s lying about anything. He can shut me out, but he only does that when he’s… extremely upset. And it’s only because he doesn’t want me to be upset, or think less of him.” Finn sighed, rubbing his face.  
“Okay, I get it. Stop already, I’m actually starting to feel sorry for him.” Rey gave him a rueful smile.  
“He’s sorry for hurting you too. He didn’t say it, but I felt it.” Finn groaned.  
“Ugh, stop! I get it! He’s not an evil monster. I promise I won’t tell anyone and I’ll even… Be nice to him.” Finn said as though the very idea was repellent. But his smile said another story. Rey breathed a sigh of relief.  
“You’re the best, Finn!’ she said. His smile grew even wider.  
“Just don’t forget it.” he replied. Rey laughed.

Kylo was still awake when she returned, just as she’d known he would be. He lay on his side, facing the door and brightened considerably when he saw her. She felt a flood of relief from him that he couldn’t hold back. He didn’t want to sleep without her near. He didn’t dream when he held her, and if he did, he didn’t remember them which suited him fine.  
“We’ll be there in a few hours.” Rey said softly. He didn’t care, all he wanted was to hold her. His fingers twitched with the need to pull her close and hold her tight. She smiled as she sat beside him and brushed his hair back from his face.  
“Are you coming to bed now?” he asked, his expression hopeful. Even if she wasn’t tired, she could hardly say no when he looked at her like she was the most precious thing in the Universe to him. His smile was gorgeous as he said: “But you are, Rey. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All these holofilms are found on Wookieepedia, including 'Zeltrons in Love'. And yes, Leia was going to sue them, lol!  
> TBC!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was growing addicted to seeing his smile. It lit up his face so beautifully that it took her breath away each time.

Rey’s imagination had not done Naboo justice. While Ahch-To was just a massive lonely ocean and desolate islands, Naboo was amazingly stunning and full of different features. Kylo wanted to take her to Lake Country, there were several estates of rich Lords and Ladies of Naboo, but there were plenty of areas that were completely isolated.  
She was more than happy to sleep on the ship and stay away from cities. But she wanted to be sure if that was what Kylo wanted. He claimed it didn’t matter to him, but she had a feeling that large crowds would probably be a bad idea.  
Kylo directed her to a place he had visited once with his mother and she landed her small freighter right in the midst of a vast field. There was a massive waterfall in the distance feeding the lake below and the river that flowed on from there. Even farther off you could see mountain peaks capped with snow. Rey was stunned with awe at the sight of it. The smile she directed at him was the most beautiful one he’d yet to see and he couldn’t help but smile back.  
“Well, come on.” he said, motioning for her to follow him.

She ran to the river with a delighted cry while Kylo patiently followed. He couldn’t help but smile at her delight. She was radiant when she smiled. She waded into the river without a care and began to splash about. Kylo sat on the shore and watched. He was still without any shoes whatsoever and didn’t want to have to hobble back to the ship when he cut his foot on a sharp rock. He was probably worrying needlessly, but he didn’t want to ruin Rey’s fun by getting injured. Although he did get his feet wet at the shore.  
Rey spun and shouted and cupped her hands to fling water in the air. Kylo waved her back over and she hurried to the bank. “Let’s walk up to the falls.” She smiled and took his hand. He wanted to kiss her, but he didn’t want to upset her by being too forward. He decided to pay attention to where he was walking. There were rocks of every size beside the river and he was usually only barefoot in his rooms.  
He frowned thinking about his rooms, his things- not that he’d had much, but what he had bothered to keep had been personal to him. He wondered if Hux had his lightsaber along with his books and all the little treasures he’d kept. He'd had a wicked knife Chewbacca had given him ages ago and a blaster his Father had loved, but had given him without hesitation. There had been a ring his mother had given him, an expensive one, too. He doubted it would fit on any of Hux’s scrawny fingers, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t pawn it if he was feeling particularly petty.  
It hardly mattered anymore. All that mattered was Rey and staying at her side. If she would allow him that, he didn’t care about anything else.

The lake and the waterfall were sparkling in the sunlight and Rey stared in astonishment as a huge rainbow sat above the mist above the crashing water.  
“Do you see that?!” Rey cried, amazed.  
“The rainbow?” he asked.  
“A rainbow..” she trailed off as if tasting the word. It made Kylo’s heart ache when he realized she had obviously never seen one before, but he was suddenly quite pleased when he considered that she had seen her first rainbow with him. He would probably imagine the awe on her face every time he saw one for the rest of his life. He wondered if she would think of him whenever she saw one in the future. It was a nice thought and he smiled as she waded into the water. He began to collect driftwood along the beach and add it to a pile. Occasionally he would find a mollusk shell that he thought Rey would find pretty and would stuff them in his pockets. Rey stayed close to the shore, finding small rocks and throwing them as far as she could. Then she began to cautiously wade deeper.  
The sun was directly overhead and Kylo was starting to sweat. He took off his shirt and set it beside him as he watched Rey play in the water. He wondered if he could sneak up on her. He knew how to swim, it had been awhile, but he’d always enjoyed it. He stood and quietly walked into the water while Rey continued to splash with her back to him. As soon as the water was up to his waist (and Rey’s shoulder’s - really she was too far out) he sank under the surface and swam close. When he was right behind her he popped up with a roar and she whirled, screaming. He burst out laughing and fell back in the water. Suddenly he felt her body collide with his and he grabbed her tight and shot back above the surface with Rey spluttering in his arms.  
“Ha, ha! I got you!” he cried.  
“You- you!” Rey gasped. “You nearly scared me to death!” she hit his shoulder with her small fist.  
“I’m sorry.” he said, still grinning. She rolled her eyes.  
“You’re not!” she said, trying not to smile. He looked entirely too pleased with himself.  
“Want me to throw you?” he asked, and she was certain it wasn’t a warning, but an offer. “It will be fun.” he added.  
“How?” his smile was infectious, she saw a dimple she hadn’t noticed before, and the way his ears stuck out from his wet hair- He was adorable.  
“Hold onto my shoulders, and I’m gonna put my hands under your foot and push up, okay?” She nodded and pushed herself upright and he dropped down until only his head was above water. She felt his hands lock under her right foot. “Okay, on three.” Rey nodded. “Three!” He shouted, surging up out of the water and flinging her into the air.  
Rey squealed with delight as she went up high and came down with a splash. She only had a moment to flounder before Kylo was pulling her above the surface. She gasped and laughed in delight as she clung to him.  
“How the hell do you count?!” she giggled. He grinned at her almost helplessly.  
“Want to do it again?” She nodded rapidly, her smile just as bright.

The sun was beginning it’s descent when Kylo finally coaxed Rey out of the water. He was hungry, and he was starting to shiver. She was shaking like a leaf, and he wanted to get her warmed up before they walked back to the ship. He knelt beside the pile of driftwood and dead grass. He directed the Force to heat the dried grass in it’s very center. He saw smoke curling, then a small flame that rapidly grew as the grass ignited. Soon the driftwood began to catch and Rey sat beside him looking amazed.  
“How did you do that?” she wondered. He shrugged.  
“It would be easier to show you then explain.” he replied, closing his eyes and showing her through the bond. He felt her small hand slip into his and he smiled, squeezing her fingers. After the water dried from his skin he put his shirt back on, and although his pants were soaked and covered with sand, it did help him feel a bit warmer. Rey was still shivering so he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her onto his lap. His shirt front quickly got soaked from her wet clothes, but her shivering quickly abated and that was what mattered.  
Once the fire died down they were both damp, but warm enough to walk back to the ship. The sun was growing close to the mountains in the distance and they didn’t have much time before it was dark. Kylo had felt his and Rey’s stomachs both growling for the past hour. He released Rey and sat back.  
“Are you ready to go back now?” he asked. She looked back at him and nodded with a smile. He began to scoop up sand and toss it onto the glowing coals until the fire was completely smothered. He stood, brushing his hands off on his pants, then offering one to her. She took his hand and smiled as he helped her to her feet.

They walked back through the meadow and every time Rey commented on the beauty of a flower, Kylo picked it and handed it to her with a shy smile. Soon she had a large bouquet and when she couldn’t hold anymore without letting go of his hand (which she had no intention of doing), he began to put them in her hair and tuck them behind her ears. Each time he offered her a flower with that sweet smile, she felt her heart melting. She had never imagined a man could be so sweet. Especially Kylo Ren, of all people. But that was a cruel thought. She had quickly realized that he was nothing like she had imagined. He had suffered for so long, had been alone so long, just like her. They were alike in many ways. And while he had grown hateful and violent as a result of all the trauma he’d endured, he had also eventually become the man she walked beside. The one whose smiles made her heart skip a beat, and handed her flower after flower, and tossed her up in the air so she felt like a child at play. She couldn’t remember ever having such a wonderful day. And Kylo had been what had made it so special.  
He stopped as they walked and headed toward a clump of bushes and after a few moments he returned with three reddish-orange globes in his hands.  
“Muja fruit.” he explained with a smile. She was growing addicted to seeing his smile. It lit up his face so beautifully that it took her breath away each time.  
By the time they reached the ship, her hair was full of flowers and even though her clothes were still damp and her boots squelched with each step, she had never felt the way she did then. She couldn’t quite decipher her feelings, but they were definitely all good.  
She set the flowers on her little table in the small kitchen area.  
“You put on something dry first, I’ll get us something to eat.” Kylo said. Rey nodded and kicked off her sodden boots immediately before disappearing into the bedroom. He found cured meat that he sliced up and some cheese with it. Then he cut up two of the Muja fruit and set them on a platter. He found the biggest cup in the tiny kitchen, filled it with water, and stuffed the bouquet inside.  
When Rey reappeared she had somehow managed to keep all the flowers in her hair and she wore a loose white shirt and blue shorts that left her legs entirely bare. He flushed when he realized he could see her nipples beneath the soft fabric of her shirt as well. He shivered, and only a little of it was due to his damp clothing. Rey, however, assumed otherwise.  
“Go change, I don’t want you to get sick again.” she said, waving him off. That thought chilled him even more and he hurried off, trying not to dwell on it. He grit his teeth when he found himself unable to ignore the reminder of how sick he had been when Rey had found him at last. He had never felt that way in his life. He didn’t want to ever again.  
People always said: _‘What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.’_ but Kylo didn’t feel that way. He felt like he was held together by the thinnest of threads and anyone one of them could snap at any time and he would be utterly destroyed. If anyone could stitch him back together it was Rey, but it was unfair of him to burden her like that. It was not her fault he was so fragile.  
He pulled his clothes off and tugged on the ugly sleep pants. He had nothing else to wear. He would have to use the credits he’d taken from Alric to buy something. Although he didn’t relish the thought of parading through the market barefoot. Not to mention without any underclothes whatsoever. He cursed himself for not looking for his boots at Alric’s, then realized they were probably still on the Finalizer or had been incinerated. Or Alric had sold them, or something equally ridiculous. He shook his head in irritation. Rey was waiting for him and he was moping about things that no longer mattered. He didn’t want to upset her by ruining the day with his sudden melancholy. It wasn’t her fault that an innocent comment easily sent him spiraling.  
Then he perked up as he remembered the shells he’d collected earlier. He hadn’t given them to Rey yet. He pulled them out of his damp pockets and held them carefully as he left the bedroom.  
He returned to the kitchenette where Rey sat, smiling brightly and he couldn’t help but smile in return. She always did make him feel better.  
“I forgot these.” he said, carefully spilling the shells onto the table next to the platter. “I thought you might like them.” Her smile softened and she began to examine them carefully as though they were the most precious treasure.  
“They’re beautiful.” she breathed in awe. “I love them.”

She played with the shells while they ate, and Kylo was content to watch her. First she sorted them by size, then color, then by shape. She held up her favorites for him to examine and he smiled at her excitement. When they had finished eating and he’d cleared away the platter, Rey was yawning constantly.  
“Come on.” Kylo said with a fond smile, offering his hand again. She took his hand and smiled as he pulled her to her feet and led her to the bedroom. “Do you want to watch anything?” he asked just before yawning as well. Rey giggled as she sat on the bed and fluffed up their pillows. She began to pick the flowers from her hair and set them aside. He gently began to pull stems free as well.  
“Not really.” she said as she pulled her hair free from it’s ties, lay down, and pat the bed next to her. He lay next to her and sighed when she snuggled close. He put his arms around her and pulled her closer still. “Kylo?” she said softly, her breath ghosting across his throat, making him shiver.  
“Yeah?”  
“Today was perfect. I’ve never had so much fun in my life.” she sighed happily. She tilted her head back and kissed his cheek right next to his mouth. He bit back a moan and pressed his lips to her forehead.  
“I’m glad.” was all he could manage to say before his throat closed up. The swirl of emotions in his chest were choking him up. He wasn’t sure if he simply needed her desperately or if what he was feeling was pure and true love. Whatever the feeling was he wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. He had never felt this way for anyone. He never wanted to leave her side. He wanted to be the only one to make her smile, to give her days she deemed ‘perfect’. He would gladly be her slave and do anything she desired. His heart felt like it might explode in his chest and he pressed his lips to her damp hair. “I’m so glad.” he whispered.

Armitage Hux was leading him to Snoke’s throne room. He was surrounded by Snoke’s guards, their usual red finery spattered with blood. He didn’t know what he had done wrong, but he knew the Supreme Leader was displeased. And when he was displeased Kylo would have to pay with pain and blood and always with screams. Hux was grinning like the cat that got the cream. Kylo tried to grab his throat to strangle him, but something held him back and he could not reach far enough.  
“I’ve waited for this day since I met you.” Hux gloated. Kylo grew more nervous. He froze in his tracks and then hands were all over him, wrenching his hair, pulling his wrists, flat against his back shoving him forward, always moving him forward despite his struggles.  
“Let me go!” he cried.  
“Stop your blubbering!” Hux sang, yanking his ear.  
“Stop it!” he whimpered.  
The doors opened.  
Snoke was torturing Rey right in front of him. She screamed in agony and he struggled and strained against the chains suddenly binding him.  
“Stop!” he screamed again and again.  
“Foolish boy! This is your doing! She pays the price for your inadequacy! If you weren’t so pathetic and weak you would have turned her to the dark side! Now you will both pay for that mistake!” Lightning shot from his fingertips and engulfed Rey and she shrieked in agony as Kylo struggled uselessly and sobbed her name.

Rey awoke with a gasp when Kylo jolted beside her.  
“Stop!” he whimpered. “Stop!” she shook him lightly.  
“Kylo!” she shouted. He awoke and lay gasping, his eyes wide and instantly overflowing. He stared at her like he wasn’t sure she was real or not.  
“Rey?” he choked out.  
“I’m here. It was a dream. You’re safe.” she said, brushing his hair back from his face. She brushed his tears away as he shivered and clung to her. “Just breathe, Kylo. Nice and slow.” he tried to do as she said, but instead he began to hyperventilate. She pulled him close and rubbed his back. “Slower, okay? You can do it. Just breathe like I am, ok?” he tried, he really did, but he kept hearing her screams and he began to sob.  
“I’m sorry!” he whimpered. “I’m sorry!”  
“Kylo, don’t apologize, I told you: You can feel however you need to feel. It’s alright. I know you can’t stop the dreams. I’m sure you would if you could.”  
“No I- I dreamt of Snoke! When he hurt you.” he stammered. “I couldn’t stop him. I couldn’t move. You were s-screaming!” he sobbed again, hugging her tighter.  
“It’s alright, Kylo. You stopped him, remember? He’s dead now and you’re free of him. And you did that. You freed yourself after all he’s done. Don’t you realize how amazing that is? How amazing you are?” He continued to quiver in her grasp and did not speak. He released her and his hands covered his mouth to stifle his cries. She sat up and wrapped her arms around him again and pulled his head down until his ear was pressed above her heart. He gasped as he wiped his face and then hugged her tight again. She began to run her fingers through his hair with one hand and knead his shoulder with the other.  
“I hate dreams.” he whispered, his voice thick with unshed tears.  
“I know.” Rey sighed, planting a kiss onto his raven locks. “It seems strange that they are supposed to help us cope. It seems like it does more damage than anything else.” He laughed weakly. She could feel the misery rolling off him in waves as she continued to pet him gently. He would slowly begin relaxing, but his mind kept going back to the dream and then he would get upset and grow tense again. She knew it was exhausting him. “Let’s watch something. Maybe it will help. We’ll put on something stupid, that requires no thought to enjoy.” Kylo said nothing, he continued to cling to her. “Or not?” she asked. He sighed reluctantly and pulled away. He sat up and rubbed his face.  
“Okay, Rey.”

Rey put ‘The Octave Stairway’ on, which she quickly realized was a children’s story. Kylo made no comment at her choice, so she assumed he was fine with it. She lay back with him in her arms again, his head pillowed against her breast. She felt through the bond how the position comforted him, how it eased his panic to be held so tenderly. Kylo’s eyes were barely open after the first few minutes. She rubbed his back and played with the hair curling under his ear as he drifted off to sleep.  
She was struck again by how right it felt to hold him like this. That she had thought nothing of kissing him still surprised her. She had felt a thrill up her spine when she felt how it had affected him. And he’d sweetly kissed her brow and hair, like she was precious to him. No one had ever made her feel like he was making her feel. And every time he cried in her arms her heart broke for him more and more. She wished she could do more to help him. She hated how he continued to suffer. Even the most beautiful day she’d ever lived through had ended with him in tears. It wasn’t fair.  
He groaned softly as he snuggled against her side and she couldn’t help but smile. He really was adorable. Tomorrow, she decided, would be even better. She would get him to smile more, she would do everything she could to make sure of it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How could such a wonderful day end so horribly? The promise she had made to herself to make today even better was completely wasted now. She wouldn’t see him- speak to him until morning. She wished she could hold him now. She missed how well she fit in his arms, her head tucked under his chin. And when they reversed positions and his ear was pressed to her heart, she ached for that as well.

Rey awoke as the ship shuddered to life. She saw the sky light up briefly followed by a resounding boom that made her heart race. Were they under attack? She leaped out of bed and raced to the cockpit.  
Kylo sat at the controls, still clad only in his pajama pants and nothing else.  
“What is going on?!” Rey cried.  
“We’re in the middle of a field in a lightning storm! We have to get out of here before we’re hit, the ship will be destroyed!” The ship struggled as it was buffeted by violent winds and rain. Rey could barely see out of the viewport.  
“And going up in the air is better?!”  
“What choice do I have?! We have to get away from the storm!” Then all she saw was blinding white that burned her eyes and a concussive explosion that tore a terrified scream from her lips. She could feel them plummeting. Kylo suddenly tackled her to the floor and wrapped his arms around her, tucking her under him. Then they were flying through the air and the world exploded around them.

Rey awoke in a medical ward. She was in a room, in a bed, covered in Bacta patches. She whimpered and began to flail in panic. What had happened? Where was Kylo? The door to her room opened and a middle-aged Twi’lek woman entered.  
“You’re awake! How are you feeling?” Her mind was racing. She couldn’t ask for Kylo. She had to call him by his given name. She had meant to discuss it with him, but she didn’t see an alternative. Everyone knew the name Kylo Ren, but how many knew the name Ben Solo?  
“Where’s Ben?” she demanded. “Is he alright?”  
“Is that his name? He’s doing well. He’s in a Bacta tank. He had some pretty severe injuries, but he should be fine by tomorrow morning. And what is your name, dear?”  
“Rey. Can I please see him? I need to see him now.” She refused to believe he was well until she could confirm it with her own eyes, his side of the bond was silent and it unnerved her.  
“Once Dr. Oorima has seen you and cleared you. I will let him know you are awake. And while you wait I’ll have something sent for you to eat, you’ve been unconscious for almost eight hours. You’re both very lucky those Gungan’s saw your ship go down.” she said with a warm smile.  
“How badly was Ben hurt?” The Twi’lek frowned. “He- I remember he tried to shield me with his body.”  
“Well, that would certainly explain a lot. He had several broken bones and a pretty bad skull fracture, while you had a concussion and minor cuts. He must love you a lot.”  
Rey’s heart sank. He had been hurt enough. She didn’t want him getting hurt because of her. “Don’t worry, honey. He’s going to be just fine. I promise. He’s doing very well right now, and he’ll be out of the Bacta tank tomorrow.”  
“But I can see him before then?” the nurse smiled again.  
“Of course, you just relax while I go talk to Dr. Oorima.”

Rey could not relax. She kept prodding at the bond until she felt wisps of nightmares. She hated that he was trapped in them with no way to wake. She tried to send him images and feelings that might comfort him. She sent a memory of him lying in her arms, sleeping peacefully. Of him throwing her up high into the air, her delight, and the way her stomach flipped. Of his smile, and how precious it was to her. She kept it up until the Doctor appeared, even though she wasn’t certain she was even helping.

Dr. Oorima had the emerald-green eyes of a Zelosian, and Rey wondered if he was one, and if the stories about them being blind at night were true. She’d heard they were superstitious about the dark. It was a strange concept. Rey had never been afraid of the dark, although to not be able to see a thing without the light of a full moon would probably be frightening. She shook her head, annoyed at her wandering thoughts. All that mattered was seeing Ky- Ben. She had to get used to his true name. She had never known him as anyone but Kylo, it was going to take some time for her to remember, but she preferred Ben anyway. Snoke had given him the name Kylo Ren.  
“How are you feeling, Rey?” Dr. Oorima asked, smiling pleasantly.  
“I feel fine. I want to see Ben.”  
“Yes, he is the man who was brought in with you?” she nodded. “Yes, he’s going to need to stay in treatment for quite a few hours yet-”  
“Listen to me.” Rey cut in. “I just got him away from a man who had kidnapped him. If he wakes up and I’m not where he can see me, he’s going to have a fit. He’s incredibly strong with the Force and I just don’t want anyone to get hurt if he wakes up and starts to panic.”  
“I see.” the doctor replied, frowning thoughtfully. “Does he… Panic often?” Rey sighed and rubbed her face.  
“He does now. He- you won’t tell anyone this, you’re not allowed to, right?”  
“That is correct. Doctor-patient confidentiality. ‘Whatever, in connection with my professional service, or not in connection with it, I see or hear, in the life of men, which ought not to be spoken of abroad, I will not divulge, as reckoning that all such should be kept secret.’” he said with a smile. Rey sighed again, fidgeting with the blankets covering her.  
“The man who was keeping him raped him repeatedly, he let other men and women rape him. They drugged him, beat him, and shocked him with a slave collar that also made him unable to access the Force without getting shocked. He almost died twice and if we weren’t bonded through the Force I would have never been able to heal him or even find him. He would be dead now. And even before this, for years he was being abused by another man. Not sexually, anyway, but every other way you can imagine.” she shook her head sadly. “I’m all he has. And he is afraid I’m going to leave him somewhere once I get sick of him. So I have to be there when you wake him up, you understand?”  
“Yes, of course. I would not want to cause him any undue distress. He will still need to remain under observation for a few hours after we bring him out anyway, his trauma was quite severe.” Rey winced and felt tears forming. “Try not to be upset. He is doing very well, I do not expect any complications. He might be feeling a little sick after being sedated for so long, but that usually clears up relatively quickly. Now let’s take a look at you, so we can get you out of bed, hm?”

Dr. Oorima removed her bacta patches and found a nurse to escort her to the Bacta tank that Ben floated in. There were three rows of five filling the large room. Some were occupied, but most were not. His right arm and leg had splints on them and the right side of his face was still bruised. His whole right side was bruised, in fact, but he looked peaceful. That was, until she felt a jolt of fear from him and he twitched and kicked weakly. He was still caught in a nightmare and her heart ached.  
She opened her side of the bond and did everything she could to get him to feel her presence, and how she missed him terribly even after only a handful of hours. She felt his fear fade eventually, but she wasn’t sure she had helped, or he was just dreaming of something benign. She stared longingly at his still form for what seemed like hours. She wanted to yell at him for risking his life like that. Why had he done it? Her life meant no more than his or anyone’s. She was a nobody from nowhere. He needed to heal, not get injured even more terribly. She still didn’t know all the wounds he’d sustained, but he still looked battered and broken. She thought sadly of all the lovely shells he’d collected for her only the day before. They had likely been pulverized to dust. How could such a wonderful day end so horribly? The promise she had made to herself to make today even better was completely wasted now. She wouldn’t see him- speak to him until morning. She wished she could hold him now. She missed how well she fit in his arms, her head tucked under his chin. And when they reversed positions and his ear was pressed to her heart, she ached for that as well.  
She stayed there watching him in his drug-induced sleep until the nurse came to collect her for dinner.

Before she had finished eating Dr. Oorima reappeared with a smile on his face, his emerald eyes sparkling.  
“I’m going to have Ben pulled from the tank before he wakes up tomorrow. Usually we let the sedative wear off while they’re still in, but some patients handle it better when they wake in a more familiar manner. Especially in cases like his. And this way you can be the first thing he sees when he wakes up.” Rey couldn’t help but smile happily.  
“I think that would be perfect.”  
“Also we do have counsellors here that he could talk to if he would like.” Rey nodded, her expression falling.  
“I will ask him about it.” she huffed out a humorless laugh. “I will try to convince him any way I can. But if he says no, I can’t force him to. I promised I never would make him do anything he didn’t want to do.” Dr. Oorima nodded knowingly.  
“I understand. I do. But in my experience, delaying therapy only makes things more painful and difficult in the long run. He could develop some harmful coping mechanisms as a result. If you prefer that I talk to him-”  
“No.” Rey said, shaking her head. “Let me try first. I know him. He hasn’t been around anyone but me since I got him out of that place. I think it might make him nervous to deal with people without me with him, or at least to explain what happened first.”  
“I’m sure you're right about that. People are usually pretty confused and agitated when they wake after events like these. Now get some rest. A nurse will get you in the morning.” 

Rey tried to sleep, but all she could think about was Ben. Even when she thought his name, it felt strange. Not in a bad way, certainly, but she had to get used to it. She was glad she would get a chance to talk to him before anyone else. She knew he would be alright if she was there when he opened his eyes. She was grateful Dr. Oorima had been so considerate.  
She wasn’t sure how she would broach the subject of therapy, but somehow she had to. She wasn’t sure what the doctor meant by ‘unhealthy coping mechanisms’, but she suspected he meant drinking or doing spice all the time, but she wasn’t sure. She probably should have asked. Just those two things were bad enough. She doubted he would want spice when he’d been forced to take it to make him more compliant, and alcohol was pretty much the same after all, wasn’t it?  
Still, she worried. She didn’t honestly know what to expect and when a nurse came to check if she needed anything she ushered her into the room with a wave of her hand. The woman was a Balosar with thick, pale blue braids hanging down to her waist.  
“What can I get you, Miss?” she asked.  
“Dr. Oorima said something earlier about ‘unhealthy coping mechanisms’, and I’m not sure what they really are. Does he mean, like doing spice and drinking too much?” Rey said, feeling foolish. The Balosar woman smiled.  
“Well, those are a few, but even drinking too much caff is one. Some people have a hard time dealing with their emotions or the bad things that have happened to them. It helps to talk to someone, to confront those feelings. Running away from them never helps. Every time you run, you reinforce your fears or bad feelings, and it can lead people to do anything to make themselves feel better, even if it’s only a little. Let’s see, oh, there’s lots of them. Some people eat too much, some don’t eat at all, or they eat and then make themselves get sick after-”  
“What?!” Rey gasped. She couldn’t fathom wasting food like that. Frankly it seemed so selfish. “Like the food makes them sick?” the nurse shook her head.  
“No, when people are like that it’s an actual mental disorder. They don’t eat, then they get so hungry that they gorge on food. Then they feel guilty for eating and are afraid they will gain weight so they make themselves sick.” Rey shook her head. It seemed so strange. But she also felt relief. Ben had never made himself get sick, he hadn’t been able to help it. And he had been eating better lately. “Some sleep all day, some can’t sleep. Some folks gamble, some sleep around. Some smoke, some buy a bunch of stuff they don’t need. Some people never leave their house, some run away all the time and nobody knows if they’re gonna come back. When it gets really bad you’ll find people who can’t throw anything away and their house is like a garbage dump, or people who hurt other people, or themselves.”  
“Hurt themselves?” Rey felt her stomach sink. The nurse sighed.  
“Some people cut themselves, or burn themselves, or pick fights. Some do it because they’re angry, or hurting. Some do it for attention, some do it because they want help but can’t ask. But the worst is when folk’s feel they have no reason to live at all because they’re hurting so badly and they end it. It always seems such a sad waste to me. I mean, my home planet is a terrible place. Everyone there is on death sticks, crime is everywhere, but my people leave all the time and their lives are better after that. Sometimes people just need a change. People always need someone on their side though when things get bad. Well, maybe not everybody always needs someone per se, I suppose there are plenty of folks who don’t need anyone, but it always helps to have someone if you’re lucky enough to have a friend or someone who cares. Right?” Rey smiled.  
“Yes, I think so.” She and Ben had both been alone for so long, and now that they had each other everything seemed much better. At least, when they were able to actually enjoy themselves. She sighed as the nurse took her leave after asking Rey if she needed anything else. She wouldn’t get what she needed until the morning.  
All she wanted was to have some time with Ben where nothing bad happened. Why did he always have to be the one getting hurt?  
“Oh, fuck!” she moaned. Their credits were gone with the ship too, not to mention what few outfits they had. She was going to have to call Leia, what else could she do? They were stranded on Naboo without a credit to their name. “Fuck this day.” Rey snapped. She pressed her call button to summon a nurse.

Leia awoke to hear a private call alarm summoning her. She knew without a doubt it was Rey and hurried to answer. Something had happened, she had felt it hours ago.  
“Rey, how is everything going?” she asked, worrying, even as she tried not to.  
“Terrible.” Rey groaned.  
“What happened?” Leia wondered, “Ben was hurt, wasn’t he? I felt something hours ago. But it was so quick, I wasn’t sure..” Rey sighed.  
“Our ship was destroyed. We got hit by lightning. Ben protected me from getting badly hurt and now he’s in a bacta tank with broken bones-” she covered her mouth as tears welled up in her eyes and her voice wavered.  
“Oh, no.” Leia whispered.  
“The doctor said they will bring him out tomorrow morning, but it’s just- it’s so unfair! We had one nice day! One! And now this! And everything I planned- I have no idea what to do now!” Leia nodded decisively.  
“Don’t worry. I will take care of everything-”  
“Wait, what do you mean?”  
“Don’t worry Rey, I can send a droid with a new ship and credits. You won’t be stuck there.”  
“But I can’t repay you for that!” Leia smiled.  
“You already have, Rey. You got Ben away from that monster, you’re doing everything you can to help. That’s more than I ever hoped for.” Rey nodded, although she didn’t look entirely convinced. “Don’t worry, please. This is nothing, really.”

Rey felt a weight off her shoulders after talking to Leia. She finally felt herself relax and felt her eyelids drooping. All she needed was to sleep and when she awoke she would see Ben.

The sky was black, but flashed white followed by the skies roaring in fury. Rey shuddered. She wasn’t in the ship, she was in a dark forest blanketed in snow. Before her was Ben, ragged and bleeding. Or was he still Kylo Ren? He was dressed in his black clothing, but most of it was torn. Blood poured from his mouth and he choked on it as he crashed to his knees. Before she realized it she was running to him, falling at his side, and pulling him into her arms.  
“Rey?” he gasped. He choked and spat out more blood.  
“You’re hurt!” she cried. He chuckled weakly and pulled her close.  
“I’m so glad you’re here.” he sighed. “At the end of all things.”  
“No! This isn’t the end! You’re going to be fine! The doctors said you will be all better in the morning!”  
“Yeah?” he asked as if the idea amused him somehow.  
“Have I ever lied to you?” he shrugged.  
“I don’t think so.” he replied. “You’re too sweet to do that. Sometimes I think you actually like me.” he huffed out another laugh. She kissed his forehead and he shivered.  
“I do like you. I like you a lot.” she said. He sat back and looked at her and he was no longer draped in shredded black clothing or covered in blood. The sun shone brightly upon them and they sat in the water. His hair was wet and he was smiling and she saw his dimples again, and the way his ears poked out of his hair and made him look somehow more younger and vulnerable.  
“I think I love you, Rey.” he said, his expression hopeful. “I hope you stay with me forever.”  
“You’re the only person who has ever said that to me.” she said, her heart breaking. He pulled her close again as a tear slipped down her cheek.  
“Please don’t cry, Rey! I’m sorry!” she squeezed him gently when she felt his panic.  
“It’s not you, I swear. I- I think I would love that. But are- I mean, my own parents didn’t want me. Why would you?” he sat back again and looked wounded.  
“Rey, your parents were heartless fools to abandon you. I could never leave you. You are more important to me than my own life-”  
“Yeah! About that!” Rey began only to stop and wonder at how real her dream felt. It didn’t matter, she would just tell him again tomorrow. “I don’t want you to get hurt because of me ever again! Do you understand?!” she slapped the water, splashing him in the face. He smiled briefly before his expression grew serious.  
“I understand, Rey, but if I can keep you safe I will do whatever I have to.”  
“I can take care of myself.” she snapped. He smiled again and shrugged.  
“I know. But I love you.” he said as if that explained everything. Her heart thumped hard in her chest at his declaration. “I want to take care of you, too.” she sighed and splashed him again. She didn’t know what to say, because she knew what he meant. She wanted to take care of him too.  
Then they were sitting at the bottom of the lake. She looked up and saw the water’s surface, but she could breathe the water as easily as air. Ben smiled. “I haven’t had this dream in years. I walked to an island along the ocean floor instead of swimming.” Rey frowned in confusion.  
“This is my dream.” she said. Ben’s smile grew.  
“Is it?”

She awoke as the nurse entered her room and turned on the lights.  
“Are you ready to see him? They’ve just gotten him in a room down the hall.” Rey sat up eagerly, the dream forgotten.

She could feel the fog lifting from his mind as she sat beside him, holding his hand tight. When his eyes finally began to open he looked confused as he gazed at his surroundings. He yawned and rubbed his face with his free hand. Then his gaze fell to his hand in hers. He blinked slowly, yawning again. Then he looked at Rey’s smiling face and he smiled in turn.  
“Hello, sweetheart.” he murmured.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the short chapter, but I promised a reader I'd post today and this seemed like a good place to stop!  
> TBC! And thank you for all the kind words! I'm so happy people are enjoying this fic!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo didn’t want to take the pills. He didn’t. But he had lost control. He had scared Rey. Gods he hated himself. Why did he always lash out so violently? He could have hurt Rey and then what? She would leave him and he would deserve it.

Rey couldn’t help herself. She cupped his cheeks and pressed her lips to his. He sucked in a startled breath through his nose and she pulled back, thinking she’d upset him. Then he was pulling her close and kissing her back, fervently. He kissed her lips so sweetly and she felt the bond suddenly connecting and it felt so divine she gasped and he moaned in her ear before pressing kisses down the side of her neck. She brought his face back up and pressed her lips to his again.  
Gods, she was so happy! She had missed him terribly over the last day. How had they gotten so close over such a short time? She could feel his awe and joy through the bond and it melted her heart. But she couldn’t allow herself to get carried away. They needed to talk. She pressed her lips to his cheek once more and pulled back.  
He was slightly pouting and she couldn’t help but smile at the adorable picture he presented. He wore the same white hospital clothes she did, and he was still lying against the pillows propping him up. His cheeks were flushed, and his hair was wild and still damp.  
“I told the doctors your name is Ben. I couldn’t- I was worried what might happen.” His expression grew somber.  
“It’s alright, Rey. I understand.” he said, yawning again. He still looked so tired, she felt her stomach twist.  
“I don’t have to call you that if you don’t like it.” she said. He smiled tiredly.  
“You can call me whatever you want.” he said with a soft laugh. Then his expression darkened, then grew alarmed. “We crashed!” he gasped as he sat up. Then he closed his eyes tight and groaned falling back against the pillows. He clutched his stomach.  
“Are you going to be sick?” Rey asked, alarmed. He breathed hard through his nose and shook his head quickly. Eventually he relaxed and opened his eyes again.  
“Are you okay? Were you badly hurt?” he blurted, his panic already rising.  
“I’m fine! You were hurt far worse by shielding me with your body- which you shouldn’t have done!” He sighed with relief.  
“I already told you: I will do what I have to to keep you safe.” she gasped when her dream suddenly came flooding back to her.  
“And I told you: I can take care of myself.” she replied, as she had in the dream. She wondered if he realized what he’d just said. Had they connected in their dream? It had felt so real, had it been? She waited with baited breath, would his reply be the same now as it had been in the dream?  
“I know, Rey.” he sighed. He scooted over and patted the empty space beside him, urging her to join him. That hadn’t been all he’d said. She remembered the dream so clearly now. “Please?” he said, looking slightly anxious when she remained seated, trying not to show the disappointment she was inexplicably feeling. She had no right to feel that way, she hadn’t told him she loved him in the dream. She smiled and climbed into his bed. Maybe he didn’t fully remember the dream, or maybe he was too nervous to repeat himself. It didn’t matter. She melted into his embrace and he sighed in relief. She felt his bliss through the bond and his adoration as she lay her head on his shoulder. She wasn’t sure if what she felt for him was love, but if it wasn’t, it was damned close already. It wouldn’t take much before she was head over heels.  
Kissing him had felt so right, just like holding him did. Holding someone had never felt this good in her life. How could something so simple make her so happy? And Ben too- she could feel how much he loved holding her. He was actually beginning to drift off to sleep; he was so comfortable. She giggled softly and squeezed him tight. He heaved a sigh and pressed his lips to her crown.  
“How long was I out?” He murmured. “I’m still so tired.”  
“It’s alright. Close your eyes. I’m here. I won’t leave.” he yawned again and mumbled something sleepily that sounded suspiciously like: “Love you.”, but she couldn’t be sure.

Rey was drooling onto Kylo’s shirt when there was a knock at the door. He opened his eyes sluggishly and yawned.  
“Still feeling tired?” said a man with dark green eyes like he’d never seen before. He nodded and yawned again. The man chuckled. “I’m Dr. Oorima. I just need to check on you and make sure you’re well enough to leave. Have you been experiencing any dizziness or nausea?”  
“Only a little when I first woke up.” Kylo murmured sleepily.  
“Okay, and how about any pain?”  
“No. I feel fine.”  
“Just tired?” Kylo nodded, trying to stifle another yawn and failing. “That’s normal. But it will wear off soon. Especially if you eat. Are you hungry?” Kylo nodded.  
“Good, I’ll send something for both of you to eat.” he smiled, looking at Rey and it made Kylo slightly wary. “She was really worried about you.”  
“Was she hurt, badly?” he asked, his voice sounding small. He didn’t like to think about it, but he had to know. He vaguely remembered throwing himself at her and trying to cover her up as much as he could.  
“No. You probably saved her life. You were definitely in worse shape when the Gungan’s that found you brought you here. Frankly I was surprised you were still breathing. You must be pretty tough.” he said with a smile. Kylo swallowed with some difficulty. He heard Alric chuckling: _‘You’re pretty tough when you don’t have a dick up your ass.’_ Kylo must have made some small noise of distress because Dr. Oorima came closer and peered at Kylo intently. Kylo shrank back, clutching Rey tighter.  
“What’s wrong? Are you feeling sick?” the doctor said, frowning with concern. Kylo immediately looked away, flushing with shame.  
“N-no. I’m fine.” he stuttered anxiously. He tried not to look like he was hiding behind Rey, but he was. The doctor clearly noticed, backing up several paces and taking the seat Rey had occupied earlier. He nodded and Rey began to mumble in her sleep. Kylo smiled down at her, but he felt it quiver as he began to tremble.  
“I was hoping Rey had gotten a chance to speak to you about our counseling services?” Dr. Oorima said after Kylo finally appeared to settle.  
“Counseling?” Kylo said with a frown, his eyes locking with the doctor’s only for a moment before he looked away again.  
“Perhaps it would be better if she told you-”  
“Told me what?!” Kylo snapped, his voice rising. 

Rey awoke with a start. She blinked in confusion before she realized Ben was holding her almost painfully tight.  
“What’s wrong?” she murmured. Ben released her and scrambled off the bed. She heard the scrape of a chair against the hard floor and saw Dr. Oorima rising to his feet as well, his hands up in a placating gesture.  
“It’s alright if you don’t want to talk about it now-” he began and Rey sat up in alarm when Ben cried: “Talk about what?! What did you tell him, Rey?!” he was backing up into the corner and looked like he wanted nothing more than to run and never stop. Rey clambered out of the cocoon of blankets and put herself between Ben and Dr. Oorima.  
“I’m sorry, I had to! I’m worried about you! You have nightmares every time you sleep! You get so anxious all the time, look how many times it’s made you sick! I can’t give you the help you need!” She cried, then winced as the blood drained from Ben’s face and his legs began to shake.  
“Nurse!” Dr. Oorima cried. Ben began to gasp rapidly.  
“No, no, no!” Rey exclaimed as she drew closer to his shivering form. She didn’t need the bond to know what he was thinking. “I am not leaving you here. Do you understand?” The door flew open and Ben recoiled, his back slamming into the corner. Two large men entered, looking to Dr. Oorima for orders. Ben’s eyes grew wide with fright at the sight of them.  
“No!” he wailed in terror, lunging at Rey and pulling her flush against him. He clung to her and began to sob.  
“Shh, it’s alright, they won’t hurt you, I promise.” Rey tried to reassure him  
“He’s having a panic attack, Rey. He needs to be sedated!” Dr. Oorima said.  
“No!” Rey shouted, twisting in Ben’s grasp until she was crouched in front of him while he was pressed against her back. She flung her arms out, shielding him as much as she could. “You can’t do that to him! I won’t let you!” Ben curled up behind her as he clung to her waist and pressed his forehead between her shoulder blades. He continued to cry and shake.  
“No, please. No, please.” he whispered between hiccuping sobs.  
“He will be fine as soon as you leave, all of you!” Rey snapped. “You’re the ones upsetting him!” Dr. Oorima grimaced and nodded, waving the two men back.  
“I’m terribly sorry. That was definitely not my intention.”  
“‘Great intentions become tragic actions when delivered without careful thought.’” Rey quoted a long-dead Jedi with a scowl. Dr. Oorima frowned and nodded. He waved the orderlies to back out and they did, albeit reluctantly.  
When they finally closed the door behind them, Rey spun around to face Ben. He was curled up tight, knees to his chest and his arms over his head. “I’m so sorry. I meant to tell you earlier, but you were so tired. I didn’t want to bother you about it yet.”  
“What did you tell him?” Ben whimpered.  
“As little as I possibly could, I promise.” she replied. “But I am serious, Ben. I would never abandon you, I just want you to get some help from someone who knows what the fuck they’re doing. I don’t want you to be afraid to sleep, or too anxious to eat. I don’t want you to get sick again, or be sad. I know how you’ve been feeling, and if you keep feeling this way every day, I’m afraid what will happen. I can’t make you happy-”  
“But you do!” he protested, sniffling. “You- I don’t know what I would do without you!”  
“I know, but that’s a problem, don’t you see?” he went rigid before curling up even tighter, and began to sob again. “Ben, please! You have to understand! I am not saying this because I’ve grown tired of you, or that I don’t care. But you’ve gone your whole life without needing me-”  
“No!” he pleaded, finally raising his head to look at her. “It’s not like that!” he sniffled and wiped his face angrily. “I don’t expect you to fix me, I can’t be fixed. I will never be… Normal.”  
“No one expects you to be normal, Ben. There is no such thing. I just want you to be happy.”  
“I am happy! When I’m with you!” he demanded. Rey sighed. She was getting nowhere.  
“But your nightmares-”  
“Bad dreams are far more common than good ones in my experience, what does it matter?” he snapped, growing angry. Rey bit her lower lip, then sighed. Ben cringed, then wiped his face as another stray tear escaped.  
“I don’t want to argue with you.” she said. His expression grew sullen.  
“Good.” he muttered. Rey didn’t know what to say to him. She could feel his sense of betrayal that she had spoken to Dr. Oorima behind his back, and it stung.  
“I didn’t tell him to hurt you. I only want to help.” Rey sighed, dropping to her knees before him. He nodded absently, as if it didn’t matter either way. She felt irritation rising at his casual dismissal. “Ben…” she murmured, reaching out to rub his shoulder. He flinched and scowled at her.  
“Can we leave now?” he asked. “I want to leave.”  
She felt his anger like a hot brand someone had rammed in between her ribs. His hurt made her feel like she had a bellyful of worms. She didn’t know what to say. She wanted to hold his hand but he had his arms folded firmly across his chest. She took in his defensive posture with a grimace. She hadn’t meant to make him feel as if he was being attacked. She wanted to help him, and she wasn’t sure why he didn’t believe her, or why he didn’t want help at all. He shot her a wounded look before climbing to his feet.  
“We have no clothes and no credits and our ship is destroyed. Where will we go?” she asked. It was quickly apparent by his expression that he hadn’t realized that they were completely screwed until Leia sent them a ship. She felt fury rolling off of him suddenly, like she hadn’t felt from him in quite some time. She shot to her feet. His face was twisted in rage and he turned so he was facing the corner. He slammed his fist into the wall and punched a hole in it.  
“Fucking great!” he roared and she was knocked backward onto the bed as he released a concussive wave of the Force. Cracks appeared in the walls and everything that was glass, shattered.  
“Stop!” Rey cried in alarm.  
He flinched again at her cry and turned to face her, his eyes wide with shock. He saw the destruction he’d unwittingly caused and the distress on Rey’s face.  
“I- I’m sorry!” he gasped. The door to the room opened again. And Dr. Oorima entered again, followed by four burly orderlies. He surveyed the damage along with Rey and Ben.  
“You have to realize, we can’t have this going on. Either he takes these to help him calm down-” He said holding up two red pills. “Or I’ll have him sedated right now.” Rey shot to her feet again to insert herself between Ben and Dr. Oorima. She heard Ben sigh even as he sank back to the floor and curled up tight.  
“Don’t Rey. I’ll..” he heaved a weary sigh. “I’ll take them. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to I-” he choked on a whimper. “I’m sorry.” 

Kylo didn’t want to take the pills. He didn’t. But he had lost control. He had scared Rey. Gods he hated himself. Why did he always lash out so violently? He could have hurt Rey and then what? She would leave him and he would deserve it. He tried not to cry as Dr. Oorima handed the pills to Rey, but he couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. He was so ashamed. He deserved to be drugged if he couldn’t control himself. He couldn’t bear the thought of hurting Rey, of frightening her. He was truly wretched. He didn’t deserve her or her compassion.  
Rey knelt before him.  
“Stop doing this to yourself. Please.” she whispered. She held out the pills and Kylo knew the doctor and the orderlies wouldn’t leave until he had swallowed them. And he was fairly certain Rey would feel better if he did as well. Gods, he was a fool. He’d thought himself incapable of hurting her. He held out his hand and she dropped the pills in them.  
“I’m so sorry, Rey.” he whimpered before he swallowed them dry. She handed him a glass of water and he drank it.  
“Alright, how about you both go to Rey’s room for now?” Dr. Oorima said, not unkindly. “The pills will start working soon and he will be feeling a little tired.”

Rey led Ben back to her room, his hand clasped in hers. She could feel anger still radiating off of him, but it was all directed at himself. She didn’t want him to blame himself, he was entitled to feel angry when he was overwhelmed, and she hadn’t gotten hurt. She had been alarmed by his outburst, but she had been far more worried that he would hurt himself. She saw the skin had been torn from his knuckles, but he didn’t seem to even notice. He just walked numbly beside her, sniffling and wiping at his face.  
Once they were in her room, she tugged him over to the bed.  
“Lie down.” she said. He did as she asked, but he kept his eyes lowered the whole time. She sat beside him and threaded her fingers through his hair and rubbed his scalp. He sighed deeply, his eyes closing. “You know you are allowed to be angry. Don’t you?” she prodded. He winced and shook his head. “Listen to me: You have been through a lot. And I just want to help. I don’t want you to keep suffering. The doctor just wants to help. If you need to take a pill to calm down, then, that’s okay.” she held up her hand the moment his mouth opened to argue with her. “Just listen, Ben. I can feel you getting overwhelmed, but it isn’t your fault. I know you don’t agree with me, but it’s the truth. You can’t expect to just be better in a day. Things are going to be hard, but I’m with you. I want to help you. But I know that my help is not enough.” his face contorted in grief, and tears began to spill from his eyes again. She felt his panic like a fist in her gut. “You need to realize that I am not saying this to hurt you or make you think I want to ditch you. I promise that I won’t. I just want you to be happy.” he wiped his face, his eyes blinked slowly, she could feel his thoughts slowing as the drug began to take effect. She felt his sudden spike of anxiety when he realized the drugs were beginning to take effect. She lay beside him and pulled him close, smiling as she felt his relief. “Just close your eyes and sleep. I will stay with you. I won’t let anyone hurt you.” she felt his aching remorse at that and frowned. “You didn’t hurt me. I swear. Now please, just try to relax.”  
She listened intently as his breathing slowed and his grip on her loosened. Soon he was out like a light and Rey felt her tension ease. She continued to hold him and prayed he wouldn’t dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thank you to Sandstone, Spybunny_sc, insertcoolname13, and euphgal1 for all your awesome comments!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That being decently dressed for once in so many days made him feel so different, it made his stomach twist. Suppose it had taken Rey weeks to find him. Would he have grown used to being dragged to the springs naked as the day he was born? Would he have eventually seen the hated collar as another part of himself? Given enough time, would he grow immune to the abuse and degradation he’d been subjected to?

Ben had been asleep for only half an hour when Dr. Oorima entered the room. He offered Rey a chagrined smile.  
“Well, you weren’t kidding about him.” Rey frowned, rubbing Ben’s back as he lay in her arms. “He went from zero to full-on panic pretty quickly. It’s my fault, I know-” He said, holding up a hand when Rey opened her mouth to protest. “But you have to understand, I have other patients and I have to protect them.” Rey sighed and nodded, gently squeezing Ben who sighed and murmured incoherently. “So..” Dr. Oorima hesitated only a moment and held out a bottle for her, full of the little red pills. “I wanted to give you this, in case he needs them.” Rey blanched, unsure of what to do. Would Ben get angry at her for accepting them on his behalf? What if he needed them?   
“Can he get addicted to these?” Dr. Oorima frowned and nodded.  
“Yes, but these are for emergencies only. I haven’t prescribed any refills. You should only give them to him as a last resort when nothing else is working. And no more than two at a time. Usually the dosage for an averaged sized individual is one pill, but he’s a big guy. Also it depends on the severity of his symptoms. You can always start with one and see how that works.” Dr. Oorima sighed. “It’s unfortunate, but if he’s not ready to talk to a therapist, badgering him about it will only increase his anxiety. I only asked him if you had spoken to him about it, and, as you know, he did not take it well.”  
“I know.” Rey murmured, running her fingers through Ben’s raven hair.  
“But I’m also worried about how you are dealing with this. It must be very stressful.” Rey shrugged, her pensive expression giving away more than she realized.  
“I just want to help him.” she said softly, still playing with Ben’s hair. Dr. Oorima’s smile was kind.  
“I know you do. He’s lucky to have you.” Rey scowled at that.  
“So everyone keeps telling me, but it doesn’t seem like I’m helping at all. The other day was the best day of my life until it ended with him being put into a bacta tank with broken bones! I brought him here because I wanted him to have some time to recover and-” she broke off as her throat closed up tight and she began to cry, hugging Ben close. “I didn’t want this! I don’t want him to be hurt anymore. I’m so stupid! I thought this would help, but nothing I’ve done has helped!” Dr. Oorima nodded sadly, and pulled up the bedside chair and sat.  
“You can’t think like that. If you weren’t helping at all, would he be with you right now?”  
“That’s just it!” Rey cried. “Without the force bonding us together, he wouldn’t be! He wouldn’t..” she shook her head. “I never would have known what had happened to him. He would be dead right now. And I would have no clue.”  
“Would you prefer it if he had?” Dr. Oorima asked, his brow furrowed with concern and alarm.  
“No! Gods, no!” Rey shook her head firmly. “I just- he kept trying to speak to me for two months and I ignored him! What if I had just listened? This might have never happened. What if I could have convinced him to leave that evil bastard that had been abusing him since- well, his whole life, really?! Then he wouldn’t have been sold into slavery, either!” Dr. Oorima shook his head.  
“You can’t worry about things like that. None of us can change the past, and thinking about what could have been only leads to sorrow. And honestly, sometimes everything does happen for a reason. It may not seem like it now, but you said it yourself: if this hadn’t happened he wouldn’t be with you now. And from what you have said, he’s far better off with you than with anyone else. You have to stop being so hard on yourself and take each day as it comes. Some days will be better, some will be worse. It would make things easier if he agreed to treatment, but you can’t force him to do it.”  
“I can’t make him do anything. I promised I wouldn’t. Not after all he’s already been subjected to.”  
“I agree. It would be counter-productive at best.” Dr. Oorima smiled again, but it was faint. “You will take these, won’t you? I have a feeling he’s going to need them.” Rey nodded and accepted the bottle. She knew she had to tell Ben about them the moment he awoke. She didn’t want him jumping to the wrong conclusions again. She was sure he wasn’t going to like it, but if she explained it the way Dr. Oorima had, perhaps he would understand. She could only pray he would. She did not want another repeat of earlier that afternoon.

Ben slept for several hours. The sun was sinking toward the horizon when he finally began to stir. It took several minutes of him blinking and yawning repeatedly before he appeared aware of his surroundings.  
Rey sat at the chair Dr. Oorima had previously occupied and scrolled through a datapad the Twi’lek nurse had let her borrow to pass the time.   
“What happened? He murmured, his voice thick with sleep. He sat up and smiled tiredly at Rey. She smiled back, but could tell it fell a little flat.  
“Dr. Oorima gave you some pills to help you sleep. Do you remember?” His brow furrowed and his lips pressed together in a frown. Then his skin paled and his eyes locked with hers.  
“Rey, I’m so sorry.” he groaned.   
“Listen to me: I told you already, you are allowed to feel however you need to feel. I am not angry with you. You didn’t hurt me. I understand, I really do. And if it makes you feel better, we can leave now that you’re awake. I called Leia while you were still in the bacta tank. A ship is on it’s way, but until then we’ll be staying in a hotel down the road. Dr. Oorima said we can send these clothes back as soon as we get new ones.” Ben was still frowning.  
“And how are we supposed to do that?”  
“Leia set up an account with the hotel. Whatever we need, they can get us.” she sighed. “I don’t like it. I don’t like owing her like this, but she says I don’t owe her anything.” Ben rolled his eyes.  
“Trust me, Rey. She can afford it. Don’t worry.”  
“That’s pretty much the same thing Leia said. So, I guess we’re in a city called Theed. I guess it was the closest to where we crashed.”  
“Yes, it’s the capital city. You will like it, I think.” he kept his mouth shut about how many credits a hotel room cost in Theed. Even the least expensive place would cost more than Rey could ever expect to earn in a lifetime of scavenging on Jakku. He actually wasn’t sure if she would be impressed by all the wealth in Theed, or repulsed by it. He hoped she didn’t hate it. He doubted she had ever been to a museum, and Theed had many to visit. And the thought of getting clothes and boots left him feeling ridiculously happy.  
“There’s one more thing I need to tell you.” Rey said, and she produced a bottle full of little red pills. “Dr. Oorima gave me these. They’re for you.” he frowned, his expression suddenly guilty. “Don’t be upset, please. They’re meant to help you. And only if you really need them.” His cheeks turned pink and she felt shame flood him in an all-too-familiar wave. “Ben, it’s not a bad thing, really. What if you can’t sleep because of nightmares? These will help! You fell asleep, what? Fifteen minutes after taking them? I just-”  
“It’s fine, Rey.” he responded, waving her concern away and offering a weak smile. “At least I can trust you when I’m like that.” Rey felt a weight off her shoulders at his confession.  
“Good. I’m glad. Because I would never hurt you.” his smile was a little brighter.  
“I know, Rey.”

The sky was dark as the shuttle took them to their hotel. The air was still warm and Rey marveled at all the ancient buildings, arched doorways, and towering spires. Every free space that wasn’t paved had masses of trees, flowers, and soft beds of grass to lie upon. To their left was one of the tributaries of the Solleu river. People drifted by in painted boats strung with twinkling lights. Most were dressed lavishly, especially the women. They sported delicate curls, elaborate braids, and other styles that likely took hours to create.  
“I’ve never seen such beautiful buildings before!” Rey gasped. She was entranced by the moonlight making the green domes on top of most buildings glow.   
When they reached the hotel her eyes bugged at the wealth on display and Kylo cringed inwardly. His mother had apparently been more than generous with their lodgings. He wondered how long they had before their ship arrived. The thought of going to the Resistance still filled him with dread. The thought of seeing his mother was even more nerve wracking.   
Checking into the hotel was easy enough. He assumed the room would be under his given name, and it was. But once they reached the room, Rey gasped in shock and even Kylo could feel his jaw drop. It wasn’t a room but a magnificent set of rooms and likely the most expensive in the whole building. What was she thinking? They were not utterly fragile royalty who needed to be wrapped in silks and carried on the backs of slaves. He felt his face grow hot.  
“Oh my..” Rey breathed in awe. “I’ve never even been in a place this nice.” The south-facing wall was glass and you could see Theed in its entirety. The entry opened into a vast living area complete with a large, fully-stocked bar. A wide array of flowers in gilded vases sat at every table along with fresh fruit in extravagant crystal dishes. The couches and chairs were covered with thick, fluffy upholstery and Kylo imagined Rey sitting upon it and sinking into its depths so that he’d have to pull her out to get her back on her feet. They wandered further in and found the bedroom and ensuite bathroom. Kylo felt his face grow flame hot when he saw only one bed. Granted he doubted he even could sleep anymore without Rey beside him, but did his mother know that? Had Rey told her? The thought was mortifying. It was bad enough Rey knew how pathetic and needy he was, he didn’t need his mother or anyone else to know about his fragility.   
While Rey gasped in delight and jumped on the bed, Kylo eyed the massive shower and separate bath with longing. He needed clothes first before he cleaned the bacta residue from his skin and hair. He wondered when they would be able to get new clothing. His skin was getting itchy.  
As if his thoughts had summoned them, two tailor droids arrived to take their measurements. The styles offered were all basic and he couldn’t care less about what they had to work with so long as he was no longer barefoot and in hospital clothes.   
Kylo went to the bar and found Corellian Whiskey. He poured a large glass and went to the holo-screen and turned it on before sinking into the sofa. It was as soft as it looked and by the time he finished his glass he would likely have difficulty removing itself from its embrace.  
“This place is amazing!” Rey cried. Kylo turned and gave her a brief smile before turning on the holo-screen. The menu separated films and shows then split them up by genre and when they were created. “What are you watching?” she asked as she plopped down next to him and immediately sank as well. “Ooh Maker!” she sighed as the couch cradled her. “This is the softest thing I’ve ever felt.” Kylo scoffed.  
“The bed is probably even worse. When I was little, my parents-” he broke off with a wince.   
“Go on.” Rey urged softly. He took a gulp of the Whiskey and shuddered. It was warm. He hated warm Whiskey. He sighed and gave her a lopsided smile.   
“They got me this bed. And it was so soft that I wouldn’t get out of it in the morning. I’d beg to stay home and when that didn’t work I would beg for just a bit longer. Eventually one of them would have to drag me from it kicking and screaming.” his smile was wider by that point. “They got tired of it pretty quickly. They got me another bed and it was just a regular mattress like you would get anywhere. It was still nice, but it wasn’t anything like the one they took away. Anyway, the point is: That bed is probably even nicer. It’s still early but if I lay on that thing now I probably will sleep until tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully, anyway.” He took another drink, making another disgusted grimace.  
He found a film called “Airspeeders, Freighters, and Hovercraft” starring two actors he remembered from when he was younger. He checked the production date on the holo and saw it had come out when he was only four.   
“Before I turn this on, can I make you something?” Rey smiled.   
“Yeah, because you look like you’re enjoying it so much.” he chuckled.  
“It’s warm, and for the record, I think all alcohol tastes like shit.” Rey arched an elegant brow at him and he shrugged, holding out his glass to her. She took the glass, took a tiny sip, and almost dropped the entire thing as she spat in disgust. Kylo couldn’t help but laugh. “Told you.”  
“I’m not drinking that! How can you drink that?! Ugh! That is so nasty!” she cried.   
“I can make you something else. Something with juice in it, it will taste better.” Rey looked skeptical, but shrugged with a nod.  
He got up with some difficulty, the couch intent on swallowing him, and went back to the bar. There was a little book that had drink recipes and he set about making her something sickeningly sweet that he would never tolerate, but hoped she would like. He filled a massive glass and stuffed it with some pre cut fruit slices, an annoying paper umbrella that girls seemed to love, and completed it with a giant straw that seemed equally obnoxious. He tried hard to keep a straight face as he handed it to her. Her eyes were huge as she took the glass in both hands.  
“What are you trying to do? Get me totally wasted?” he laughed at her consternation.  
“It’s mostly juice. Just try it.” She took a cautious sip, then her eyes grew wide again and she drank more.  
“Oh, this is too good!” she gushed. Kylo felt his nose wrinkling even as he smiled. In his opinion any booze ruined the juice you poured it in, but he was still pleased she enjoyed it.

As the movie ended Rey was wiping her eyes as she smiled.  
“That was so sweet! Is Del going to live with them now?” Kylo shrugged.  
“At the very least, he gets dinner.” she giggled and shoved his arm playfully then slumped against him with a sigh. He wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close and her arms went around his waist. “You pick the next one.” he said as there was a knock at the door. He groaned and struggled up from the couch. He was on his second glass of whiskey and he didn’t feel like getting up for anything. It was a service droid with their clothing and he sighed with relief. He was ready to start clawing his skin off. He set the package with Rey’s clothing on the low table in front of the couch. “I’ve got to wash this bacta out of my hair.”

After showering he felt the alcohol wearing off and he realized he was rather hungry. He found underwear and soft pants in navy blue to sleep in and the moment he was dressed he tilted his head in confusion. He felt.. Odd. But he couldn’t quite place why. He grimaced when he realized that he hadn’t worn underwear for almost two weeks. It was strange what someone could become accustomed to. That being decently dressed for once in so many days made him feel so different, it made his stomach twist. Suppose it had taken Rey weeks to find him. Would he have grown used to being dragged to the springs naked as the day he was born? Would he have eventually seen the hated collar as another part of himself? Given enough time, would he grow immune to the abuse and degradation he’d been subjected to?  
The thought made him feel sick. He knew it happened all through the galaxy. It had been going on long before his birth. It had been the one thing he had wanted to accomplish through the First Order: banning slavery throughout the inner and outer rim. Now it was just another shattered dream.   
His appetite was gone and he said nothing to Rey as he made his way to the bedroom and flung himself on the bed.

Rey was munching on fruit and trying to find another holo that she and Ben would both like to watch when he emerged from the refresher. She heard him shuffle off and when she nudged at the bond she found his side shut tight. She sat up with a frown when she heard him flop onto the bed with a sigh. What had happened?  
She went into the bedroom and found him lying on his side in the dark, staring out the windows at the glittery night sky.  
“Ben, is everything alright?” she saw him frown as the pale moonlight bathed his face and bleached it of all color. Was it because she had called him Ben?  
“I’m fine.” he said, his eyes blank and his voice a low murmur. She sat beside him and brushed his damp hair back from his forehead. His eyes slid shut and he sighed.   
Rey didn’t know what to say. If he was fine like he claimed he wouldn’t be shutting her out. They had been having fun and like a switch had been flipped, his mood had changed without warning. “I’m just tired.” he said, and she knew without the bond that he was lying.  
“Okay.” she said. She didn’t want to start an argument. She didn’t want to back him into a corner and demand answers. She knew he wouldn’t react well at all to that. She didn’t want to drive him away. She just wanted to help, but the sentiment was more hollow every time she thought or spoke it.   
She wasn’t helping at all.  
She showered and dressed in a pretty nightgown that looked so fine and delicate, she was afraid to wear it. When she returned to the bed, Ben was snoring softly.

He would never be free. He had been once, as a child. But it was so long ago he barely remembered it. Every day he was used by more people than he could take. Every day he bled. His tears had long since dried up. He couldn’t cry anymore no matter how bad it hurt. He didn’t scream anymore. The collar was ever a harsh reminder, but even if he wanted to scream, he couldn’t. There was no point after all. Tears never gained him any sympathy, if anything, it only made people hurt him more. Screams were silenced in several ways, each he did his utmost to avoid at all costs.  
He was nothing but a thing made to serve. And if he served well he would not suffer unduly. Although, that was never a guarantee. Some people only wanted to hurt him. Hurting Kylo gave them pleasure that his body could not otherwise. Those people scared him the most.  
He had long since given up on Rey coming to his rescue. He didn't know if she had died or had just given up. He didn’t know if he hated her for it, or himself for letting himself be broken so thoroughly. He would never escape. The collar would never come off. He would be a slave until he died. Only then would his suffering end.

Rey woke alone. She sat up in alarm but didn’t see Ben anywhere. The fresher door was open, and he was not within. She crept into the common area and heard him softly weeping. He was huddled in a corner as far from the bedroom as he could go.   
“Oh, Ben..” she whispered. “What happened?” she knelt before him and frowned when he curled up tighter, refusing to look at her.  
“I’m fine. Go back to bed, please.” he grit out.   
“Ben..”  
“Stop!” he demanded, his voice cracking in his grief. “Please, Rey, I’m sorry. Please just leave me alone.” Rey nodded and rose and hurried back to bed. She knew he wasn’t trying to hurt her. She felt useless and foolish and why couldn’t she even comfort him? Was it something she had done or said? She didn’t know what to do. She hid her face in her pillow and cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took a bit. My boyfriend's birthday was Friday so we partied all weekend. Mine is Sunday so I will try to post again before this Friday. We're the same age for 9 days.   
> ALSO: The movie is "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" but I figured in the Star Wars universe it would be "Airspeeders, Freighters, and Hovercraft" lol. Great movie BTW. I just saw it for the first time even thought it came out when I was seven. And since Adam Driver was four when it came out it made sense to me that it came out when Kylo was four. Anyway, I thought it was cute, lol!  
> TBC!!!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People tried to get out of his way as he ran, but if they weren’t quick enough he shoved them aside with the Force. He could feel tears wetting his face as he ran. His legs ached and his lungs were burning. He felt Rey trying to connect with him again and again. His heart was pounding furiously. What had he done? Why did she want him back in that room? How could she ask that of him? How could she betray him like that?

Kylo heard Rey crying in the bedroom and his stomach dropped. He hadn’t meant to hurt her, he was just so tired of her seeing him crying pathetically. He quickly swiped at his face and rose on unsteady feet and shuffled into the bedroom, cursing himself all the while. He’d never wanted to hurt Rey. She meant everything to him. Hurting her was not acceptable, even if he hadn’t done it intentionally.  
She lay curled up on her side and he went on his knees on the floor next to her.  
“Rey, please don’t cry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” she rolled away from him, hurriedly wiping her face.  
“I’m fine.” she replied, her voice flat. Kylo felt the blood drain from his face as she refused to look at him.  
“Rey-” he began.  
“I said I’m fine.” she whispered. He shrank back with a wounded noise that he couldn’t stifle.  
“Okay.” he said softly and rose, his knees wobbling. She was hurt and confused and even angry. He could feel his throat closing as he tried to swallow.  
He fled the room, closing the door behind him.

He stared out the windows in the dark room in a daze. He had hurt Rey, made her angry, made her cry. He was the lowest scum to have ever lived. He truly did deserve what Alric and his friends had done. Rey should have left him there to die. His horrible dream seemed a fitting punishment.  
He felt tears coursing down his cheeks and absently wiped at them. He didn’t deserve Rey. He deserved misery and death. He grabbed the Corellian whiskey and began to drink it straight out of the bottle. 

The bottle was empty. He wasn’t sure how that had happened. When he tried to get up to search for more his legs wouldn’t work. Typical. Nothing about him was right. It was almost funny, but he couldn’t laugh about it. He wished he wasn’t a complete wreck. Rey deserved better.  
He finally managed to get his feet under him but walking was exceptionally difficult. The bottle slipped from his nerveless fingers and shattered. For a moment he just stared at the glittering glass. Then his legs gave out and he crashed down onto the broken shards.  
“Oops.” he mumbled. He must have missed the glass, he didn’t feel a thing. He sat back and stared at his hands. They were both bleeding badly, along with his wrists to his elbows. He stared as the blood dripped from his hands and arms. It was beautiful. He didn’t know what had happened, but it was mesmerizing to watch.

He jolted awake and he heard a panicked scream.  
“Oh Gods, Ben! What did you do?!” he groaned in pain. Her voice was making his head pound even worse than it already was. He slowly opened his eyes. _‘Fuck, I’m drunk.’_ he thought and his stomach heaved angrily.  
“Oh, fuck.” he moaned, trying to sit up.  
“Don’t move!” Rey cried. “I called for help! I can’t get this glass out, it’s everywhere! Ben, what did you do?!”  
“I didn’t.” he mumbled as he forced his eyes open. Rey knelt beside him and he gasped when he saw blood and glass everywhere. He winced as his hands, arms, and knees burned and throbbed in pain. “What happened?” he gaped, raising his shaking hands to inspect the damage. His hands were full of broken glass, dried and fresh blood covered him. His sleep pants were black at the knees and torn and he saw shards of glass poking out of his skin there, too. “Shit!” he gasped, his head spinning.  
Rey was sobbing into her hands. “I didn’t do this- I- It was an accident, it had to be!”  
“An accident?!” Rey cried, her expression was so wounded and frightened, he felt the blood drain from his face. He groaned as it made him even more lightheaded. The edges of his vision were going gray. He shook his head slowly to clear it, but it only made the dizziness and nausea worse. “Ben?!” Rey cried from very far away. He couldn’t answer.

When he woke next, Medics were hovering over him. He gasped in fright and lashed out, kicking and shoving at them.  
“Get away!” he cried.  
“Ben stop! Let them help!” He heard Rey pleading.  
“Don’t touch me!” he roared, flailing angrily. Something pressed against his neck and he felt a sharp sting, then nothing.

The next time his eyes opened he was lying in a bed, his arms covered in Bacta patches. His wrists were chained to the bed railings with soft cuffs, and the sight of them terrified him. His hands were covered with bacta as well, and by the way his knees were burning, he could only assume they were also.  
The room was empty and he began to tug at the cuffs, panic welling up in his chest.  
“Rey?” he called, his voice hoarse. Oh, Gods, what had he done?! Where was she? Had she left him? Why was he alone and tied to the bed? Even his ankles were cuffed. “She left me!” he sobbed. “She left me!” he began to sob breathlessly and kick. He tugged at the restraints at his wrists, and then with a heart-broken wail, he destroyed the cuffs binding him with a blast of the Force. He scrambled out of the bed and blasted the door open and began to run.  
Nurses, patients, visitors all gawked, but leapt out of his way as he raced down the hall. He had to find Rey. He had to get out of this place and find her! Where was she? _‘Rey!’_ he called desperately through the bond, his heart racing. _‘Where are you?!’_ he felt her shock through the bond.  
_‘I’m here! Where are you?’_ he heard back. He stopped in his tracks and looked back and forth, trying to discern where she was. _‘Come back to your room, now.’_ she urged. He froze in shock. She wanted him to be here, chained to the bed?! He began to gasp in panic. Several of the staff were drawing close. He bolted again. He wasn’t going back. He was getting out and away. He ran to the lift at the end of the hall and pushed the button frantically. _‘Ben,’_ she called again. _‘I need you to come back to your room.’_  
_‘No!’_ he sent back the furious reply. The lift opened and he shoved past the startled occupants and pushed the door close button rapidly and hit the button for the first floor. Everyone fled the elevator as he began to pound his fists against the wall.  
“Hurry up!” he screamed in rage.  
_‘Ben, come back to your room. This is serious. I need you to listen to me.’_ Rey sent through the bond. He closed his end tight, feeling his heart ache. How could she do this to him? She wanted him locked up and helpless? The lift finally began its descent as he howled in fury.  
When the door opened he raced out, bowling people over in his haste. The front doors were in sight, but he could already see several security guards drawing close to attempt to stop him from escaping. He darted forward with a snarl and flung them all from his path. He heard frightened screams from visitors as he burst through the doors.  
He followed the Solleu tributary upstream. People tried to get out of his way as he ran, but if they weren’t quick enough he shoved them aside with the Force. He could feel tears wetting his face as he ran. His legs ached and his lungs were burning. He felt Rey trying to connect with him again and again. His heart was pounding furiously. What had he done? Why did she want him back in that room? How could she ask that of him? How could she betray him like that? There was a large crowd gathered by the beginning of the tributary and he was forced to stop. He needed a boat, a hovercraft, something! Anything! He had to get away. He hurried down the first pier he was close to and felt Rey again trying to break through. He wanted to scream at her. His heart was breaking, he could feel it. It was horrible. It was agony. He covered his mouth as he stalked down the pier. He saw a young man with a speedy little boat tying it to the dock. He quickly made his way over.  
“You will give me your boat!” he demanded.  
“I will give you my boat.” the young man said with a dazed smile.  
“You have important business you forgot about and you have to hurry.” Kylo said, and the boy looked briefly alarmed.  
“I have important business I forgot! I have to hurry!” he ran off. Kylo untied the boat and jumped in and was speeding up the Solleu even as he wiped tears from his face. Gods what had he done? 

When Rey awoke she was alone. She remembered Ben trying to apologize and sat up quickly, blinking and rubbing her face. She had blown him off in her hurt and anger.  
“Oh Gods!” she groaned and scrambled out of bed. Why had she done that? She felt useless, and it was frustrating, but she shouldn’t have brushed him off like that. She hurried out to the common area and saw glass and blood everywhere. She gasped in horror and ran further into the room. Ben lay in front of the bar, unconscious. His face was white and his hands, arms, and knees were wet with blood. Broken glass stuck out of his skin and as she gently took his hand and tried to pull a piece out, she sliced her thumb. “No!” she sobbed, scrambling to her feet. She skirted the broken glass and ran to the door. She pressed the call button and was screaming into it before the receptionist could get a word in. “I need help! I need a doctor! It’s an emergency, please!” The receptionist made the call while she stood there sobbing breathlessly.  
“They’re on their way. Are you safe?”  
“It’s not for me! I’m not injured! Please, he’s bleeding everywhere!”  
“They’re on their way, I promise. They’re just up the street. Is it a large wound? Can you-”  
“No! No he’s cut all over, he’s got glass stuck everywhere. I cut my thumb trying to get a piece out! I- I can’t do anything!” she wept, feeling utterly useless again. “He’s unconscious!”  
“It’s going to be okay, the med team just pulled up. They will be at your room in a minute, promise.” the kind woman responded.  
“Thank you!” Rey wept. She ended the call and ran to Ben’s side. He suddenly jerked violently and a started scream escaped her. He blinked slowly. “Oh Gods, Ben! What did you do?!” she cried.  
“Oh, fuck.” he moaned, trying to sit up.  
“Don’t move!” Rey cried. “I called for help! I can’t get this glass out, it’s everywhere! Ben, what did you do?!”  
“I didn’t.” he mumbled, his confusion was apparent as he slowly opened his eyes and glanced around. He gasped as he saw the blood and glass everywhere. He grimaced in pain. “What happened?” he murmured. He raised his bloody hands for inspection. She saw them shaking and the shock on his face. “Shit!” he hissed and she covered her face to stifle her sobs. “I didn’t do this- I- It was an accident, it had to be!”  
“An accident?!” Rey cried. This looked like he had smashed the bottle and flung himself upon the shards! His face paled even further and he moaned. “Ben?!” she gasped. His eyes rolled up in his head and he fell back. “Ben!” she shrieked.  
There was urgent pounding on the door and she scrambled to her feet. She flung the door open. “Please, help!” she wept, pointing to Ben’s unconscious form. Two men hurried past her with a stretcher between them. “He was awake for a second, but he just passed out again.”  
They hurried to Ben’s side and one grabbed under his knees and the other under his arms and they lifted him onto the stretcher.  
He groaned and his eyes began to flutter. He gasped in fright and began kicking and shoving at them.  
“Get away!” he cried.  
“Ben stop! Let them help!” Rey begged, her heart in her throat.  
“Don’t touch me!” he roared, flailing angrily.  
“Sedate him.” the older medic snapped. The younger pressed what looked like a tiny blaster to the side of Ben’s throat as he struggled. She heard a click and just like that Ben’s entire body went limp and he closed his eyes with a sigh. They pulled the stretcher upright and pulled a sheet over him up to his chest and all the bloody wounds and glass were hidden. “Do you want to come with us? We’re just up the street if you’d rather not..” the elder medic said with a soft smile. “He’ll be okay, trust me. I’ve seen way worse. Take your time if you need to.” Rey swallowed and wiped her face.  
“I know where it is, thank you. I’ll- I need to change.” she whispered, still struggling to control her tears. The medic nodded sympathetically and they left, taking Ben with them. 

She dressed in a daze. She didn’t know what to think. Had it been an accident? Or had he hurt himself on purpose? She didn’t know, and that scared her. She needed someone to talk to. She wasn’t sure if she should call Leia just yet. She didn’t want to worry her needlessly if it had truly been an accident. But she had to talk to someone. She hurried to call Finn. When he finally answered she had been about to end the call.  
“Sorry, Rey.” he panted. “I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to be alone, but I figured better safe than sorry so I ran to my room.” he huffed for a moment and then gaped in shock as she burst into tears. “Sunshine! What is it?” he cried.  
“He’s on his way to the hospital again!” she bawled.  
“What?!” Finn gasped. “What happened?”  
“I-I’m not sure! Last night he had a nightmare. I tried to help and he told me to leave him alone. He tried to apologize right after but I was so angry because I feel so useless so I just brushed him off. When I woke up he was on the floor and there was blood everywhere! He drank an entire bottle of whiskey and either dropped it and fell on the broken glass, or he broke it on purpose and threw himself on it!” Finn grimaced.  
“Rey, that.. Where was he cut?”  
“His hands, from his wrists to the elbows, his knees all have broken glass stuck everywhere.”  
“So he was only cut where there was glass stuck in his skin? No cuts anywhere else?” Rey shook her head, frowning. “No deep slashes? No slices on his wrists?”  
“I-I don’t think so. Why?” Finn winced.  
“Rey, it sounds like an accident. People fall all the time when they’re really drunk. Last week Poe and his new girl were so drunk they both fell right over. And instead of trying to catch themselves they just held onto each other. He got a cut on his temple and bruises on his arm and her elbow- the skin got torn off and she was bleeding all over. They both shrugged it off like it was nothing. If he drank a whole bottle by himself, he easily could have gotten hurt and not even felt it.” Rey’s expression crumpled in grief.  
“He woke up for a bit and he couldn’t remember what had happened. He said it was an accident, but he doesn’t even remember for sure! Then he passed out again. Then when the medics arrived he woke again and started fighting them. They had to sedate him. I-” she broke off with another sob. “I don’t know what to do!” Finn sighed.  
“If the doctors think he tried to kill himself, they won’t let him leave, Rey. They can put a psychiatric hold on him for three days, I think. Rose was telling me about a girl she knew who tried to do it. She sliced her whole arm up. Long cuts from wrist to elbow. Did any of his cuts look like that?”  
“I don’t know, there was so much blood it was too hard to tell.” she whimpered.  
“Oh, Sunshine. I wish I was there with you. The General would let me come, don’t you think?”  
“Finn, I don’t want to tell her yet- she’ll be so worried-”  
“Yeah, I’ve been wondering about that. Does she know who you’re with?”  
“She does.” Finn looked bewildered.  
“She does?! And she’s okay with it?!” Rey blanched, it wasn’t her secret to tell. No one knew Kylo Ren had once been called Ben Solo but him, her, and his mother. “Rey?” Finn prodded. Rey gnawed her lower lip.  
“She is.” Finn looked stunned.  
“That doesn’t make sense…” he trailed off. Rey groaned. She had to trust Finn. She couldn’t do this alone anymore. Ben needed help, and she realized she did too.  
“It does if you know his real name.” Finn raised an eyebrow.  
“His real name? I thought Kylo Ren was his real name.” Rey shook her head.  
“You can’t tell anyone this, okay?” Finn nodded, his expression concerned. She heaved a sigh. “His real name is Ben Solo.” Finn’s jaw dropped.  
“I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I just heard something crazy in my ear.”  
“Be serious.”  
“That’s- I don’t know what to say.” he stared in shock at nothing. “That’s fucking horrible.” he muttered. Rey began to chew her nail as he processed the information. “Snoke made him kill his own father, and try to kill us.”  
“Yes.” Rey whispered. Finn covered his mouth and shook his head.  
“That’s sick.” Rey could only nod. “Fuck, no wonder. I’d want to kill myself too. Ah! Shit I didn’t mean that!” he tried to backpedal as Rey burst into tears again. “Sunshine, please. From what you described, it really does sound like he just was too drunk and fell. I didn’t mean to imply-”  
“But you can see why I would think that?” Finn sighed.  
“Yeah. Yeah I see it. What a mess.”  
“I wish you could come here, too. I don’t know what I’m doing.”  
“Do you think that would upset him?” Finn asked, his doubt obvious. Rey felt more tears coming.  
“Yes. It would.” Finn heaved a sigh.  
“Talk to him. See what he says. If he doesn’t flip out, then I will be there as fast as I can. If I tell the General you need my help, she will listen.”  
“I know she will.” Rey murmured. “She would do anything to help him.”  
“And you, Sunshine.” Rey finally smiled although it was faint.  
“I love you, Finn. I never had a friend before, but you’re the best one anyone could ever have.” Finn’s smile trembled at that.  
“I love you too, Rey.” he said, quickly brushing a tear away.

She ended the call soon after and made her way to the hospital.  
“I’m looking for Ben Solo. He was just brought in. Big guy, black hair, human.” The Zeltron behind the desk smiled and began to type into his datapad. "Yeah he’s on the fourth floor, room 4-F.” Rey thanked him and went to the lifts.  
She found his room easily. His hands and arms were covered in Bacta patches, his wrists strapped to the bedside railings. She assumed they were to keep him still as he healed. He had elbowed her a few times as he slept already. But he had been sedated, were they entirely necessary? She didn't know. She wasn't a doctor. If anyone knew what was needed to heal a patient who had come in looking like a human pincushion, it was them, not her.  
A blanket covered him from the waist down and he was again dressed in the white hospital clothing. His face was still white and the skin under his eyes was dark. She wanted to hold his hand, but didn’t want to hurt him. He was still unconscious, and she doubted he would feel it, but that didn’t make a difference.  
She sat beside him for over an hour before her stomach began to gurgle and then roar angrily. She hadn’t eaten anything but the fruit he’d stuffed in her drink the night before. She knew there was a cafeteria on the first floor, she had seen a sign directing people to it on her way to the lift.  
Ben was out of it, and probably would be for a while. She needed food.

She was just finishing a salad when she heard Ben call for her through the bond. He was frantic and immediately she was on her feet. _‘I’m here! Where are you?’_ she called. She felt him searching for her in a panic. _‘Come back to your room, now.’_ she pleaded. His panic increased, fear bloomed in his chest and set his heart racing. _‘Ben,’_ she called again. _‘I need you to come back to your room.’_  
_‘No!’_ he sent back, and she felt his rage.  
“Oh, Gods.” she gasped and tore out of the cafeteria and back to the lifts. _‘Ben, come back to your room. This is serious. I need you to listen to me.’_ she tried again. She felt his terror and anger. She felt his betrayal and she felt herself begin to panic when he closed his side of the bond. The lift opened and she ran to his room. It was empty as she had dreaded it would be, he had destroyed the bed and the door. A nurse stood inside looking bewildered.  
_‘Ben! Come back!’_ she tried calling to him again and again as she raced back to the lift. He did not respond.  
She got to the front desk and the same Zeltron sat behind it looking thoroughly flustered.  
“The man I asked you about earlier- did you see him?” The Zeltron nodded dumbly.  
“He somehow sent three guards flying and ran out!” Rey ran out into the street scanning frantically both ways and she didn’t see him at all.  
“Oh, Gods!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit, I actually made myself cry writing this. I hope I didn't hurt you too much!  
> Kylo/Ben is in the wind, Rey is frantic and in over her head. Why do I always hurt the ones I love?
> 
> TBC!!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She had to realize that he couldn’t be fixed by any doctor. He was broken. Irreparably. He would never be ‘normal’, the best he could hope for was ‘okay’. But at the same time he wanted to be better. He wanted to be someone who deserved Rey. Not a miserable wreck of a man who ran in terror at everything that upset him.

“What the fuck am I doing?” Kylo groaned. He sat on a small, sandy shore flanked by trees. He’d dragged the small boat ashore and plopped down in the sand with his head in his hands. He didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t about to go live in the woods. He’d already released all the fish the young man had caught earlier. He wasn’t going to eat them. He had found plenty of rations and equipment stashed under each seat, so technically, Kylo could stay out in the wilderness for quite awhile. 

Unfortunately he had no desire to do so. He didn’t want to be alone. But he couldn’t deny that he was angry with Rey and he couldn’t face her at the moment. He didn’t want to connect through the bond. He didn’t want her to find him. He wasn’t going back to the hospital. He was fine. He shouldn’t have drank so much, he had been foolish to do so. But he wasn’t in any pain, and when he peeled off the Bacta, his cuts were healed. The scars weren’t pretty, but he was fine. He had plenty of scars anyway, what were a few more? He rubbed his face wearily and felt the scar Rey had given him and sighed.

He didn’t want to be alone, but he did at the same time. He didn’t know what to think or feel. His emotions went from anger to sorrow and back again, over and over. “What do I do?” He sighed.  
Rey kept trying to prod at the bond and he felt his resolve to keep her out weaken each time. It made him furious. He didn’t want to talk, he wanted to yell. But he doubted Rey would tolerate it. That thought angered him more. He should have just gone back to the damned hotel. At least then he wouldn’t be barefoot. 

He flushed thinking about his earlier flight. He had panicked and ran like he hadn’t done since he was very small. _‘What the hell is wrong with me?’_ he wondered miserably. It made sense that Rey wanted him locked away.

 _‘That’s not true!’_ Rey cried, forcing her way into his mind and Kylo gasped at the intensity of the assault. She had forced her way through and he was reeling in shock. _‘Ben, please come back to the hotel! I’m begging you!’_ For a moment he couldn’t answer. He could feel her raw power through the bond and also her fear for him, and the guilt she felt. He was stunned that she had forced her way past his block so easily.

 _‘Why, so you can have me dragged back to the hospital and chained up again?’_ He shot back, angry at his inability to keep her out.

_‘I didn’t want you tied up again, I would never have let them do that. I just thought it was to keep you from moving while you were healing! I didn’t think they meant to keep you against your will! Please just come back to our room, please!’_

He used every ounce of will to shut her out. He would go back when he damn well felt like it. 

He began to grow nervous after that. What if he had made her angry? What if Rey decided to leave? What if the ship had arrived and they were expected to be on it? He began to pace back and forth on the little beach, his anxiety increasing. He had to go back. He didn’t want to, but he missed Rey already even as he seethed with anger.

She had to realize that he couldn’t be fixed by any doctor. He was broken. Irreparably. He would never be ‘normal’, the best he could hope for was ‘okay’. But at the same time he wanted to be better. He wanted to be someone who deserved Rey. Not a miserable wreck of a man who ran in terror at everything that upset him. 

He stopped his pacing and sank into the sand, hiding his face in his hands.

“What do I do?” he gasped. His heart was racing. He rocked back and forth and tried not to cry. His panic was getting the best of him again and he couldn’t stand it. His anxiety suddenly melted into fury and he screamed in rage. He pounded his fists on the ground and roared, tears spilling freely. He heard a rending, several sharp cracks, then several booming thuds. He continued to kneel in the sand, gasping and sobbing. “What do I do?” he wept.

When he finally calmed down he realized the sun was beating down on him. He looked up and saw all the trees along the shore had been broken by his furious expulsion of the Force. He hadn’t even realized he’d done it, but all the trunks were split in the same spot, the top halves fallen behind them.

He felt irritated at his own lack of control, but also gratitude that it had happened alone in the wild and not in front of Rey.

He couldn’t face her like this, but he realized he had to eventually. Coming to Naboo had been a mistake. They had had one nice day and then everything had turned to shit. He hadn’t even thought of his Grandparents, he’d had too many horrible incidents since arriving to even have the time to dwell on them and their tragedy. He didn’t even want to think about them. He had enough on his plate as it was.

He was so damned tired. He was tired of feeling like he was coming apart. He was tired of clinging so desperately to Rey, it was only going to drive her away eventually. He needed to be stronger. For so long his strength had been all he’d had, but now he felt like a scared little boy. 

The sky was growing dark and two of Naboo’s moons were already up. Kylo let the boat drift downstream back towards Theed. Rey had continued to try and connect through the bond all day, but Kylo had kept her out, growing angrier each time she tried. He left the little boat close to where the young man had been tying it up earlier and slowly made his way to the hotel. His feet ached by the time he made it up to their room, but for a long time he merely stood in the hall ignoring the pain.

He was going to yell, he could feel the need to vent still inside him. He was desperate to control himself. He knew the moment he started yelling Rey would likely flee. Everyone else did. Except that little weasel, Hux. He bit his lip and clenched his fists so hard he felt his knuckles crack. _‘What the hell do I do?’_ He wondered miserably.

He had acted like a child, running off like he had, but his anger and hurt had propelled him like it always did. He wasn’t sure he could have a rational conversation with her at the moment. He was hungry, tired, and his feet felt bruised. He didn’t want to deal with her or his actions at all. He knew his rage could and would be explosive if she pushed him too far. _‘I have to calm down.’_ He thought, desperately. Then he heard a plaintive cry from inside and he was unlocking the door with the Force and striding inside, his heart in his throat. 

He didn’t see Rey, but he heard her crying. His heart sank and he felt shame burn through him. For a moment he just stood there, paralyzed with indecision. She was crying because of him. He had shut her out after running like a coward. He felt his ire vanish and he sighed miserably. He headed to the bedroom and saw a bundle of quivering blankets.  
The moment he sat beside her and the mattress dipped under his weight she sat up, her red, tear-filled eyes blinking in shock.  
“Ben!” She gasped and flung herself at him before he could even open his mouth. She wrapped her arms around him and sobbed.  
“I’m so sorry! I wouldn’t have let them keep you there once I knew you were healed, I swear! I was just so worried! Please don’t ever leave me like that again!” He held her close even as every word was like a knife in his gut.  
“I’m sorry, Rey.” He mumbled, feeling his face heat up. She pulled back, and her stricken expression made him wince.  
“I swear I didn’t think they had tied you up to keep you there! I thought it was just so you wouldn’t move too much! You kick and move around all night.”  
“I’m sorry, Rey. I- I just panicked. I thought they wouldn’t let me leave. I didn’t cut myself on purpose, it was an accident.” Rey buried her face in his shoulder and her tears began to make his shirt get wet. He felt terrible. She brushed hesitantly against his side of the bond and he dropped his barriers. He couldn’t hide his anger, misplaced though it was, and it made Rey nervous. “I’m sorry.” He murmured again as he felt her agony at being abandoned. “I didn’t mean to-” He couldn’t speak, his throat closing on his words. He hadn’t meant to hurt her like that, he felt awful. She tried to reassure him, letting him feel her intense relief that he had actually come back, but that only made him feel worse.  
“It's okay, Ben, it's over now. Just, please, stay with me for just a bit.”

They lie in bed for so long, he felt himself drifting off to sleep. He had lost his appetite long ago as he simmered in guilt. He hadn’t meant to make Rey feel like he’d abandoned her. He knew how that felt, and he knew she did only too well. Her fear of abandonment eclipsed his own and he’d left her behind. He hadn’t meant to, he’d only been reacting to the terror he’d felt.  
_‘Ben, stop. Stop doing this to yourself. We both overreacted. But everything is fine now. Just try to sleep.’_ She urged through the bond. He vowed to do what she asked, he had promised to do so before she had found him at Alric’s. He wasn’t doing a very good job at the moment, but he was trying. It was all he could do. He closed his eyes tight and held her close and tried not to think.

He was in the room again. He was chained to the floor with the slave collar around his neck. A hand yanked his hair back, another clutched his hip tight, someone was raping him. It hurt and he was crying.  
_‘You were made to serve..’_ Alric hissed in his ear. He felt his cold breath, but his voice sounded as though it came from the depths of a cave. _‘I’m never letting you go..’_ He was bleeding and begging. His tears were blood.  
_‘I don’t want this!’_ Kylo screamed.  
_‘You deserve this..’_ Alric pounded into him faster and harder.  
_‘Stop!’_ Kylo begged.  
_‘I will be with you each night, forever.. I will never stop..’_ Alric promised. 

Kylo awoke, gasping in panic.

“It’s alright, shh, it’s over now. You are here with me, you are safe.” Rey crooned in his ear. He was in her arms, shaking like a leaf, his tears soaking her nightgown. He just wanted to sleep without dreaming of that bastard, was that too much to hope for? Did he have to be tormented every time he closed his eyes? Sometimes, being in Rey’s arms helped. Sometimes it didn’t. Not that his dreams had ever been anything he would consider pleasant. He’d dreamed of killing without provocation or reason many times. Sometimes he dreamed he was justified in his actions, but many times he just killed and didn’t know why.  
He’d even had nightmares as a child. Dreams of monstrous creatures chasing him and trying to devour him. 

Being jolted awake late at night by his parents screaming at each other had always terrified him, and definitely hadn’t helped when he already had such troubled sleep. Even to this day, blaring alarms or loud cries waking him from slumber never failed to make his heart race in panic until he realized what was happening.  
Kylo knew his nightmares would never end, but eventually he would grow numb to them. Slowly but surely he would grow accustomed to the violence and horror. It would be alright, he just needed time.

Rey continued to whisper reassurances in his ear even as she rubbed his back and carded her fingers through his hair. He would get used to it. He had to. He didn’t want to wake every night in tears, and he didn't want to wake Rey every night, either. It wasn’t fair to her. He was tired of being a burden. “You’re not. Stop it.” Rey commanded, having caught some of his thoughts. “Don’t shut me out.” She pleaded, just as he thought about closing his side of the bond. With a sigh, he gave in and kept it open. She began to flood him with all that she felt for him and he gasped at the intensity of it.

That she cared for him was undeniable, that she wanted him by her side made his heart ache. That she thought he was gorgeous made his cheeks grow pink. That she wanted to give herself to him and no other made him gasp and tremble and cling to her even more. The Gods knew how he had dreamed of it before he’d been forced to bend over for Alric and his friends. 

That thought chilled him and he closed the bond tight, rolling away from her. _‘Why the fuck did I think of that?’_ He cursed himself.  
“Ben?” Rey whimpered, and the sound cut through him like a knife.

“I’m sorry!” He cried, covering his face. He couldn’t think of Alric, he didn’t want to! He wanted to forget him and everything he had done. He didn’t ever want to think about him and Rey in the same breath. _‘What is wrong with me?’_ He tried not to cry, but it was useless. He was so damned tired of crying, but heaving sobs came out of him regardless. Rey clung to him.

“What is it, what’s wrong?” She gasped. He sat up with a shudder and gently pulled her arms free.

“I’m fine.” He choked, and it was the most obvious lie he’d ever told her. He staggered to his feet and stalked to the refresher, slamming the door shut behind him. He hurriedly pulled off the hospital garb and turned the shower on hot. He wanted the water to wash his tears away forever, but as he sank to his knees under the hot spray, he only cried harder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter, I finally learned how to italicize and was trying to edit earlier chapters (which is still not finished) and then At&t refused to work all day Wednesday so I couldn't even work on anything because I started using Google Docs after chapter 1. Anyway, sorry it's been a week since last update!  
> Anyway, I finally had time to figure out what was going to happen in this chapter, but I also want to draw some pics for this since I finally learned how to post that as well. But I'll probably fuck up a few drawings before I manage a post-worthy one, it's been a few months since I've drawn anything.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hours passed in which Rey wandered their rooms like a ghost. She didn’t know what to do. If she chased after Ben, she had a 99.9% chance of heading in the wrong direction. She was paralyzed with indecision. She didn’t dare leave the hotel, what if Ben returned? Finn’s advice seemed sound, and honestly she was too frantic to come up with a more solid plan.

Rey was beside herself with worry. She’d run up and down the road, and, unable to connect with Ben or spot him, she began to panic. _‘Ben, please!’_ She begged only to meet a solid wall of resistance, blocking her out. He was injured and he had run off, left her behind, and she fled back to their hotel room before she began to sob in the middle of the street. 

She paced their room, even as she cried bitterly. He had misunderstood everything! How could he think she would let the hospital staff keep him confined? She would not let anyone do that to him. She knew how devastating and traumatic it would be for him. Had their positions been reversed, she would have found it very difficult to forgive him. 

She cursed herself for not staying with him until he awoke like she had the first time they had been there. That it had only been little over a day ago was even worse. It was like this planet was bent on hurting Ben, and she had brought him there. As soon as the ship arrived and she found him, they would leave. She had made a terrible mistake coming to Naboo. A few hours of joy had been totally overshadowed by the misery that followed.

What if she couldn’t find him? What if he disappeared and she never saw his gorgeous smile again? Or never felt him hold her tight and snuggle against her as if she was the most precious, beloved thing in the universe? She tried to reach him through the bond again, but again he kept her out. She got a vague sense that he was moving away from her rather fast and she wrung her hands, pacing again. _‘Don’t leave me here alone!’_ She begged, but his side of the bond was silent.  
“What am I going to do?” She sobbed.

She finally began to calm down and decided to call Finn. The moment he answered, her guilt and fear overwhelmed her, and she began to cry again.

“Rey, what happened?!” Finn cried. “Tell me Sunshine, please!”

“He woke up alone!” She cried as if that explained everything.

“I.. Okay? What does that mean?” Rey rubbed at her eyes and tried to calm down, she sniffled and blurted: “They had him restrained in the bed! I thought it was to keep him still while he healed, because he kicks a lot and rolls around all night.”

“Okay, T.M.I.” Finn said, laughing weakly. Rey’s lower lip began to tremble. “Sorry, Rey! My lame attempt at humor. I’m sorry.” She tried to smile back but it was a weak, tremulous thing.

“He thought they meant to keep him there, that I had left him there. He destroyed the room and ran off, and I don’t know where he’s gone!” She covered her face and sobbed. “He- he won’t talk to me! He’s blocking me out!” She heard Finn heave a sigh and she braced herself for the condemnation that she knew was coming her way.

“Oh, Rey.. I’m coming to Naboo, that’s it.”

“You don’t have to do that!” She argued.

“What if you can’t find him? I can help!” Rey nodded, her lips pressed together.

“I know you would. But I don’t know..” She replied. Finn frowned, his expression torn.

“I know you think he won’t like it, but Rey, you need help. Things seem like they’re spiraling out of control.” Rey covered her face and let out a sob.

“It is! This week has been a nightmare! We had a few hours, Finn! Hours where everything was good, and then days of-” she broke off and wiped her eyes again. “It’s like a curse.” She whimpered.

“Listen: If he isn’t back by morning, you call me, okay?” Finn pleaded. Rey nodded and offered him a pain-filled smile.

She kept trying to connect all afternoon and he continued to block her, but she felt his resolve weakening each time. But then she felt his resulting anger and shied away again and again. Then she suddenly heard: _‘What the hell is wrong with me?’_ followed by a wave of shame and the vague feeling that he understood why Rey wanted him locked up. She felt mortified and incensed. She didn’t feel that! She never would!

 _‘That’s not true!’_ she cried with all her strength. She felt Ben reeling in shock at her intrusion, but she couldn’t regret it once she had gotten through. _‘Ben, please come back to the hotel! I’m begging you!’_ she pleaded. She felt his bitterness hit her like a kick to the stomach.

 _‘Why, so you can have me dragged back to the hospital and chained up again?’_ He snarled back. She recoiled from his animosity.

 _‘I didn’t want you tied up again, I would never have let them do that. I just thought it was to keep you from moving while you were healing! I didn’t think they meant to keep you against your will! Please just come back to our room, please!’_ She implored. He slammed his side of the bond shut again and she covered her face with her hands and wept.

Hours passed in which Rey wandered their rooms like a ghost. She didn’t know what to do. If she chased after Ben, she had a 99.9% chance of heading in the wrong direction. She was paralyzed with indecision. She didn’t dare leave the hotel, what if Ben returned? Finn’s advice seemed sound, and honestly she was too frantic to come up with a more solid plan. 

So she fretted. She paced. She cried, even as she struggled not to. And she tried to reach Ben through the bond over and over again. He continued to block her, even as the sun began to dip towards the horizon.

Once it was fully dark, Rey was beside herself with worry. Her stomach was churning, and she had been pacing so long, her legs felt like jelly. She showered just to distract herself and then crawled into bed once the hour grew late. 

Still Ben had not returned, and the certainty grew in her that he had abandoned her. He had left her behind and she had no one to blame but herself. She had unwittingly betrayed his trust, and he was leaving her like the desert trash she was

She felt a sob built up and couldn’t stifle it. She wailed in grief, then buried her face in one of the many pillows topping the massive bed. What had she done? She hadn’t meant to let Ben down so terribly. But she had and now she had to wait all night hoping and praying that he would return. And what would she do if she woke in the morning and he was still gone?

She thought she heard a sigh and when the mattress sank under someone’s weight she sat up in shock. Ben sat beside her, but his morose expression couldn’t stop her from throwing herself at him in joy and relief.

“Ben!” She wrapped her arms around him and sobbed. “I’m so sorry! I wouldn’t have let them keep you there once I knew you were healed, I swear! I was just so worried! Please don’t ever leave me like that again!” He wrapped his arms around her and squeezed her gently.

“I’m sorry, Rey.” He said softly. She pulled back, and whatever he saw in her expression made him wince.

“I swear I didn’t think they had tied you up to keep you there! I thought it was just so you wouldn’t move too much! You kick and move around all night.” She explained. She had to make him realize that she hadn’t meant what he’d imagined. She never wanted to hurt him.

“I’m sorry, Rey. I- I just panicked. I thought they wouldn’t let me leave. I didn’t cut myself on purpose, it was an accident.” He whispered. She pressed her face against his shoulder, smelled his clean, spicy scent and couldn't help but sob. She was so glad he had come back, it was overwhelming. She carefully brushed against his side of the bond and he finally, finally let her in.

She felt his still simmering anger and shied away nervously. “I’m sorry.” He repeated. She couldn’t help but remember her terror at the thought that he had abandoned her and he squeezed her tighter. “I didn’t mean to-” He began, but then stopped and she felt his remorse. It hadn’t even occurred to him that she would have felt that way in his desperation to flee the hospital. She tried to reassure him by sending him her intense happiness and relief that he had returned, but that only made him feel worse.

“It's okay, Ben, it's over now. Just, please, stay with me for just a bit.” She begged. He didn’t speak again, but he didn’t let her go, either.

She was nearly asleep when his guilt and self-loathing swelled and his thoughts were racing. He hadn’t meant to hurt her, but he hadn’t done it purposefully, she knew that. He knew it as well, so why did he feel so terrible? _‘Ben, stop. Stop doing this to yourself. We both overreacted. But everything is fine now. Just try to sleep.’_ She tried to reassure him again. He wanted to do what she asked, she could feel it. He squeezed her again and tried to think of nothing. She felt him drifting off to sleep eventually and she sighed in relief. 

She awoke to Ben whimpering and trembling in her arms. 

“Stop!” He gasped.

“Ben, wake up.” She said softly. Her nightshirt was wet with his tears and his eyes flew open at her cautious touch. “It’s alright, shh, it’s over now. You are here with me. You are safe.” She assured him. He said nothing. He continued to shake and cry silently. “It will be alright, you’ll see. Just try and relax.” 

She felt his despair and his resignation. He wanted the nightmares to end, but she saw through the bond he had always had them. He was angry that he had woken her yet again, he didn’t want to be a burden. “You’re not. Stop it.” She chided gently. He was about to close his side of the bond when Rey implored him to not shut her out. He sighed and kept it open and she flooded him with all of her feelings for him. He gasped and shivered. How she loved to see him smile, loved to hold him just like she was, how right it felt. How handsome she thought he was, and how caring he could be. The way she had felt kissing him after he had woken in the hospital after they had taken him from the bacta tank. The way she wanted to give herself to him completely in every way possible. He gasped again, clutching her tighter and then like a switch had been flipped he closed the bond tight and rolled away from her. “Ben?” Her voice shook. She was shocked and wounded at his sudden retreat.

“I’m sorry!” He cried and began to weep. She wrapped her arms around him again.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” Rey gasped, truly afraid. Had she done that to him? Had she upset him like that? She would never forgive herself. When he sat up with a shudder and pulled her arms free, she began to panic.

“I’m fine.” He lied and made his way clumsily to the refresher. She flinched as the door slammed shut behind him. She heard water running and could faintly hear him sobbing.

“Oh Gods, what did I do?” She wept.

He emerged from the refresher almost an hour later. Rey sat up immediately.

“Ben, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you!” She cried. He shook his head and came closer, then crawled into bed and sat beside her. 

“You didn’t. I swear Rey. I-” He faltered and fell silent as he struggled with what to say. “I’m sorry.” He eventually murmured, his cheeks growing pink. “I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.” She wrapped her arms around him and his head sank to rest on her shoulder. His hands came to rest at her hips.

“There’s nothing wrong with you-” She began and he tensed in her arms and began to pull away. “You have to listen to me, please!” She begged. He went still and nodded, his eyes downcast. “You have to believe me, after everything you’ve gone through, you have to know that you’re allowed to feel the way you do. I didn’t mean to upset you-”

“You didn’t, Rey. I swear, it wasn’t you! I just thought about something I didn’t want to- I couldn’t help it- and I got upset, it wasn’t about you at all, I promise.” Rey sighed in relief and brushed his damp hair back from his eyes. 

“Well, I’m glad that I didn’t. I thought I had.”

“I’m sorry.” He murmured again. 

“Don’t be, it was a misunderstanding. Just lie down with me, please? It’s still late.” Ben nodded again and they lay back against the pillows, still holding each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.deviantart.com/kichisama666/art/A-lonely-place-844931046
> 
> I tried posting this image directly onto chapter one but so far it's not working, so ANWAY, I drew Kylo chained up and looking quite pissed about it. Please enjoy!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armitage had never cared for his half-brother. His inclination for unwilling bed partner’s disgusted him, frankly. But as far as punishments went, it was perfect for Kylo Ren. He knew the man hated to be touched at the best of times. He’d covered every inch of his flesh for so long, Armitage had almost forgotten what he looked like. To be stripped bare and helpless would be agony in itself, but he knew Alric had no plans to leave it at that.

Armitage Hux was not a man who liked to be denied. It was one of the many reasons he hated Kylo Ren. Armitage was by far the smarter of the two, but he could not deny that when it came to raw power, Kylo had him beat hands down. The trick was harnessing that power and putting it to good use instead of randomly destroying expensive equipment, and only Snoke had been able to get him to do that.

Once Snoke was gone Kylo was like a rabid dog off his leash. Hux couldn’t recall how many times the bastard had used the Force to choke him or throw him into a wall. It was humiliating and demeaning and also had the added effect of undermining his authority.

When he discovered Ren lying unconscious on the floor of Snoke’s throne room, the Supreme Leader bisected and the Praetorian guard all dead as well, he began to plot. At first he almost believed Ren when he awoke on the floor completely disoriented, claiming the Jedi witch had killed them all. But despite his apparent confusion, Hux just knew he wasn’t being completely honest. After all, why kill Snoke and the guard and leave Ren alive? Had she been acting alone, Ren would be dead as well if she were truly that powerful.

But he needn’t take Ren’s word for anything. He’d had cameras installed in the throne room years ago. He had watched Snoke make Ren writhe and scream many times by invading his mind or electrocuting him with lightning. Snoke had never treated Hux with such brutality, for which he was thankful, but that didn’t mean he felt any sympathy for Ren. He rather enjoyed watching that behemoth scream.

It didn’t take long for him to come up with a plan to get Ren out of his hair forever, but death was too easy and too quick for his liking. He reached out to his half-brother on Nevarro with a plan that was mutually beneficial. Finding a collar specifically tailored to subdue a Force-user took much longer, but finally he was able to procure one and send it to Alric. Then all he had to do was incapacitate Ren and deliver him to Alric.

This was more difficult than he had first anticipated. Finding a combination that wouldn’t accidentally kill Ren was more laborious than he had supposed. Synox was deadly in minute amounts as was Worrt venom and Dioxis. So, Hux had to get creative.

After studying poisonous and venomous creatures he made a lengthy list with benefits and drawbacks. Then after narrowing it down he was ready to gather specimens. 

First he procured Gakle Bat venom, which was a muscle relaxant, next he acquired Stohl venom and poison spines of a Mee fish. It took even longer to come up with a combination that wasn’t instantly fatal. Weeks of testing finally developed a toxin that would knock any Force-user on their ass for hours, but would ultimately leave their system with little to no lasting damage.

When Hux had finally sprung his trap, Ren had been training alone as he usually did. It had been child’s play to enter the room and shoot him with a dart. Kylo had started in shock as the needle had punctured his flesh, but before he could even turn to see Hux’s smug grin, his knees gave out and he crashed to the floor. It had taken four Stormtroopers to haul his dead weight to a shuttle and from there a twenty minute flight to Nevarro. Ren had remained unconscious the entire time it took to unload him from the shuttle and drag him to Alric’s.

Armitage had never cared for his half-brother. His inclination for unwilling bed partner’s disgusted him, frankly. But as far as punishments went, it was perfect for Kylo Ren. He knew the man hated to be touched at the best of times. He’d covered every inch of his flesh for so long, Armitage had almost forgotten what he looked like. To be stripped bare and helpless would be agony in itself, but he knew Alric had no plans to leave it at that.

In fact, Alric’s eyes had shone with lust upon seeing the unconscious man. Hux had to admit, when he wasn’t screaming in rage, he looked much less imposing. Yet he still found his half-brother’s taste to be questionable at best.

“What do I owe you for this?” Alric had asked, licking his lips. Hux tried not to sneer, but failed miserably.

“Just some footage occasionally. I do enjoy watching him scream.”

“Truly?” Alric had been stunned.

“Truly. Having him out of my hair is a gift in itself. Have your fun with him, then kill him. I only wish to watch him suffer.” Alric laughed.

“You have a deal.” He gripped Ren’s hair and yanked his head back. He received no reaction whatsoever. “When will he wake up?” Hux shrugged.

“Soon enough, I’m sure. Put that collar on him before you do anything else.” Alric had nodded and left the room shortly to return with the collar and chain. He fastened it around Ren’s neck and stood with a grin.

“Thank you. This will be more fun than I’ve had in quite a while. He’s rather pretty isn’t he?” Armitage grimaced.

“He’s a psychotic beast. Do not underestimate him. The collar will shock him when you yank the chain or he attempts to use the Force, and there’s also this:” He removed a small remote with a button and a dial. “I suggest you leave the setting on high. He is more… Accustomed to pain than most. This is the only way you will be able to keep him.” Alric had nodded and accepted the remote with a grin. Armitage tapped his lower lip with a finger as he mused. “I’d like to see his face when he wakes up, but I haven’t the time.” He sighed. Alric had laughed, and clapped him on the back in an irritating familial gesture.

“Don’t worry about that! It will be done. As soon as I have him in his room I’ll begin recording.” Armitage had grinned malevolently, looking down at Ren who still lay unconscious and unmoving.

“That would be perfect.”

The footage had been even more enjoyable than he had anticipated. He had found the holo waiting for his perusal later that evening. When Ren had finally opened his eyes with a groan, his skin had a grayish cast and he had looked utterly miserable.

Alric wasted no time, shocking him repeatedly with the collar. Ren’s screams were so delightful to his ears, but not nearly as much as the terror in his expression when he realized what Alric meant to do to him. Armitage derived no sexual satisfaction from watching his half-brother rape Kylo Ren, but his shrieks of pain and tears were more than gratifying. As he watched Ren curl up and weep, he laughed.

That had been over a week ago. The last holo he had seen, Ren had been hysterical. Screaming and begging a giant of a humanoid to not kill him, to not rape him. Hux had enjoyed his panicked cries. And his screams, he hadn’t heard him scream quite that loud before. He’d never seen Ren fall apart so completely. His desperate struggles made Hux giggle gleefully. 

He hadn’t heard a thing from Alric since the following day. He’d reported that Ren was delirious, feverish, and would not wake up.

“He’ll be dead soon, I’d wager. After bashing his head in, I thought he would be done for, but no. But now, nothing I do will wake him. Even a cock in his ass didn’t wake him. He’s done for.” Alric had said.

“Well, keep me informed. He may yet live, and this wouldn’t be the first time he’s survived something that would have killed a lesser man.” Armitage had responded. That was the last he’d heard, and attempting to call Alric did nothing. He knew in his gut that something had happened. Had Alric let Ren escape? He had explicitly informed Alric to keep him abreast of any new development.

He had sent a squad to Nevarro a few hours ago. They had just reached the planet a quarter hour ago. He needed to know what was happening.  
“Captain Phasma! Report!” He barked into his comm.

“We’re breaking in now. There is no answer.” she replied. He heard the blast and after several seconds Phasma said: “Alric is dead. We are searching the house now.” Hux hissed in fury. He could only hope Kylo was dead as well.

“What of Kylo Ren?” He demanded after another few moments. Alric’s house was tiny. There would be no place to hide.

“The house is empty. He is not here.” 

“Search the settlement. Find him!” Hux crushed his comm in his fist. He would find Ren no matter what it took. If he had to search the whole galaxy to find that wretch he would, and Gods help the man once he did. He would chain him up and let anyone on board the Finializer have a go at him if they had a mind to.  
Armitage Hux was not a man who liked to be denied. He vowed he would not be ever again.

When Rey awoke, Ben was holding her still.  
“The ship will be here soon.” He murmured after she yawned and wriggled in his arms. She stiffened and arched against him, stretching as best as she could while being held. He released her with a sigh, rolling onto his back. Rey stretched again, properly, then smiled shyly when she noticed his eyes on her chest. His cheeks turned just the tiniest bit pink and her smile turned into a grin.

“Yes.” Rey agreed. Ben's faint blush faded quickly and his brows drew together. He began to nibble on his lower lip, and although she could tell he was trying to hide his sudden anxiety, she could feel it anyway. “It will be alright. But once it gets here, we’re leaving. This place- Naboo I mean- has been nothing but a nightmare. Well, not entirely..” She trailed off, thinking of their first day there. Ben smiled softly at her although it didn’t quite reach his eyes. He glanced at her and then away a few times before he spoke again. 

“I have a favor to ask, and it’s kind of big. You can say ‘No’, but it is something I need to do.” Rey rolled onto her side to face him fully.

“What is it?”

“I need to find a new crystal. I want to make a new lightsaber.” Rey nodded. She had wondered if he would want to make a new weapon for himself. Then a dismaying thought occurred to her and Ben easily saw it in her face and felt it through the bond. “I have no intention of bleeding the crystal.” He said quickly, then his face clouded with doubt and shame. “I can’t do that again. It was.. Terrible.” She nodded and brushed his hair back from his eyes. “But I need a new lightsaber. Even if I never find an actual Kyber crystal, there will be something I can use. Even a synthetic will work.” Rey nodded again. She could feel how important it was to him, that some sense of urgency was driving him.

“Where should we start looking?” She asked.

“There’s a crystal cave on Dantooine. It might be difficult to get into and there’s these… Things living in the cave called Kinrath. I saw them once on Kashyyk.” He smiled wryly. “They are pretty ugly, too.” Rey snickered at the look of revulsion on his face. “But, that is the best option I can think of.”

“What about Ilum? I’ve read that Kyber crystals were found there.” Rey asked. The look Ben leveled at her was of confusion and disbelief and also something that looked like trepidation.

“Rey.. Starkiller.. That _was_ Ilum.” 

“Oh.” She replied in a small voice, feeling foolish.

“You didn’t know. How could you? The Empire mined all the Kyber crystals to build the Death Stars. Once all the crystals were mined, Starkiller was in the beginning stages of construction. Every crystal has long since been taken. The caves were completely bare. Everything was long gone by the time I ever set foot there. I’ve heard you can find some if you're looking to pay a massive sum to a collector. You can even get a complete lightsaber that way, but you might spend thousands of credits and find that you can’t get it to work for you. What then? But they don’t have to be Kyber crystals. They are the most powerful, but there are many others I can try. Dantooine would be my best bet.” Rey nodded. 

“Then we’re going to Dantooine.” Ben’s smile was full of relief and gratitude. She wanted to kiss him. His open expression conveyed trust and warmth and she wondered when he had last looked at someone like that. She curled up at his side and shivered when she felt his fingers brush against her waist and slide up the back of her shirt.

“I thought you wanted to kiss me.” He murmured, pulling her closer. She felt her face grow hot and nodded, despite having not meant to broadcast that quite so loudly. His smile only grew larger and he leaned closer. She closed her eyes and pressed her lips to his. 

It was the same and yet it was wholly different. His lips were soft and sweet, but the intensity of it all was like lightning up her spine. He clutched her tighter and groaned and she gripped his shoulders and whimpered. The bond had opened without either consciously deciding to and the flood of desire left them both breathless. _‘Holy fuck!’_ Rey heard through the bond and could not disagree. Her entire body felt like it was tingling and as his hand slid across her lower back she felt a jolt of pleasure so intense she cried out.

Her cry alarmed him for only a moment, thinking he’d hurt her, but when he realized the sensation had been nearly orgasmic for her, he did it again and grinned as she moaned. She kissed him again, and when he traced her lips with his tongue, she opened her mouth wider and brushed her tongue against his. He groaned again and his head began to spin as all the blood went south in a hurry. 

Rey gently pushed at his shoulder until he rolled onto his back and she sat directly on his cock. He helplessly ground his erection against her with a whimper. She broke their kiss and mewled in his ear as he shuddered under her. She sat up and he gasped as her weight pressed down on him. He couldn’t help but move his hips, seeking friction. He went completely still when she tore her top off and stared for a moment before licking his lips and pulling her down and latching onto a pink nipple.

Rey moaned at the delicious sensation that went straight from her breast to her core. She could feel that her underwear was soaked as she ground against Ben’s rigid cock. He was groaning as he sucked her nipple into his mouth and lashed it with his tongue. Gods, nothing had ever felt so good, and his hands- the way they lightly caressed her lower back made her feel like she was going to explode.

Then she felt it through the bond: He was suddenly overwhelmed by memories of the Twi’lek girls grinding against him and he froze. Rey gasped and quickly climbed off him as she felt panic flood him and leave him shaking with fear instead of desire. For a moment he just lay there gasping, his eyes clenched shut, then his hands rose to cover his face and he rolled onto his side, facing away from her.

“No!” He whispered brokenly. “It’s not fair. _It’s not fair!_ ” He took a deep breath and let out a small sob and then she heard nothing else. 

“Ben, I’m so sorry, please! I didn’t mean to get so carried away-!” She cried as she hurriedly pulled on her shirt.

“It’s not you, Rey.” He said, his voice strained as if he’d screamed for hours. “It’s me. It’s always me.” She shuddered as she felt his despair. It was a vast ocean of grief and he was drowning in it. “It’s not fair!” He moaned again. 

“Ben, it’s okay, we just- this will take some time. You’re not ready-” He finally rolled over to face her and the misery in his eyes tore her heart. 

“But I want you, Rey! So much! Why, why do I have to remember that shit- I hated it! I don’t want to think about it ever again!” Then he covered his face again and sobbed. “Why is this happening?” Rey cautiously reached out and put her hand on his shoulder. When he didn’t cry out or pull away she let her hand slide up to his sable locks and began to gently rub his scalp. She felt his relief at her gentle caress and his horrible shame and self-loathing.

“It’s not your fault. It isn’t. You just aren’t ready yet. It’s alright. I’m not angry or disappointed-”

“I know you are.” His eyes snapped to hers and they were dark, wet with tears, and accusing. Rey shook her head sadly.

“With myself. Not you. It is what I was doing that made you think of them and you know it. You can’t blame this on yourself. It’s my fault.” And she knew it was true, and she was disgusted with herself. She hadn’t meant to, truly, she hadn’t, but she had been over-eager and careless and she had inadvertently triggered a memory. He was shaking his head, trying to deny it. “Just stop. Please. Stop blaming yourself. It will be alright. Just give it time.” His expression crumpled into an anguished grimace again and she saw more tears spill from his eyes.

“But I don’t want to! I’ve already waited for you for so long!” Rey winced, it felt like a knife in her heart with that tear-choked admission.

“I’m sorry I made you wait so long. But I’m here now. I promise, I’m not going to leave you. I could never do that now. If I had known then what I know now, I would have run to you the moment I saw you.” Ben eventually sighed and chuckled weakly.

“Yeah, and you probably would have kicked me in the balls.” Rey gasped and tried to school her expression into a severe one, but she could feel that he was joking. She giggled softly.

“I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t have to. I would have pulled off that freaky helmet and kissed you in front of everyone! What would you have done then?” He huffed out another weak laugh.

“I really don’t know.”

They stayed in bed watching the sun rise as Ben gradually calmed down and tried to dig himself out of the pit of despair he’d been flung into. Rey tried to hide her guilt from him as best as she could, but sometimes he caught it and it made him feel all the worse. Eventually their stomachs began to growl, Ben’s especially, having eaten nothing the day before. His appetite was still fairly small for a man his size and it made Rey nervous that he didn’t seem to care whether he ate at all. So before she cleaned herself in the refresher (in which she desperately wanted to touch herself, but didn’t dare) she called for food to be brought to their room. When she emerged clean, and dressed, the food was waiting. Ben still lay in bed, his back to her.

“Food’s here.” He murmured dully.

“Come eat.” Rey said. Ben sat up and brushed his hair back from his face. He looked far too pale.

“I’m not hungry.”

“When is the last time you ate?” She demanded, her hands on her hips. Ben shrugged and Rey blinked in confusion. “Do you honestly not know?” She asked, incredulous. His lips pressed together in a thin line and he nodded, not looking directly at her. “Then get up, you have to eat!” She cried, throwing her hands in the air. Was he being serious? “Come on! This can’t go on any longer, you have to eat something. The last time I remember you eating was two nights ago!” His persistent reluctance was making her uneasy. “What is it? What’s wrong?” He shrugged again and rose to his feet, wobbling a bit. 

“I’m just-” He broke off with a sigh. “I don’t know, never mind.”

“You will eat then?” She insisted. He nodded, his gaze still on the floor.

“Yes, Rey.” She hated how he just caved in, but was relieved at the same time. She didn’t want to fight with him and he needed food. He’d barely eaten since he’d awoken in Alric’s house, and that had been over a week ago.

He followed her without protest, and ate what she placed before him mechanically and with zero enthusiasm. She knew he was still upset about what had happened earlier, but at least he was eating something. She turned on the holo screen and they watched a documentary about Felucians and their early history. She found it quite fascinating, Ben however, was snoring a few minutes after Rey had put her arms around him.

It wasn’t long after that she heard an incoming call. It was Finn and she kicked herself for not calling him sooner.

“Finn, I’m so sorry I forgot to call you!”

“Is he back?” Finn asked, his eyes dark with worry.

“Yes, he came back last night. I’m sorry I didn’t call as soon as I woke up. I just got him to eat and he fell back asleep.”

“Is everything okay?”

“As okay as it can be.” She sighed. Finn frowned.

“What do you mean? Is he alright or- Are you okay?”

“I upset him. I didn’t mean to, but I did. I had to practically beg him to eat afterwards. He still is not eating enough, he’s losing weight, I can tell. I feel like a total jerk now.” Finn frowned his mouth opening and closing as he debated how to respond.

“He’s still not willing to talk to a therapist, I take it?” Rey shook her head.

“I haven’t even wanted to bring it up. The past few days have just been too crazy. I just want a few days where nothing terrible happens, and today already started out fucked.” Finn nodded, his expression grave. 

“And me? Did you ask him about me coming to Naboo?” Rey shook her head.

“He wants to go to Dantooine. He needs a new lightsaber.” Finn’s eyes bugged for a moment then narrowed.

“That’s in the Outer Rim, Rey! You’ll be gone for weeks! Isn’t there-” He huffed, his arms crossing his chest. “Why does he need a new lightsaber? He’s dangerous enough without it!” Rey leaned forward, her eyes narrowing as well.

“He’s going to need it to defend himself. I can feel it. So can he.” Finn’s face clouded with doubt.

“If you say so..”

“I do. Trust me.” Finn smiled wryly.

“I do trust _you_ Rey.”

“But not Ben.” she replied, her voice flat. Finn shrugged.

“How can I? I don’t really know him.” Rey sighed. 

“I know. But we’ll try to hurry. _I_ will anyway.” Her gaze grew distant before locking eyes with Finn. “I have to go.”

“Is everything-” Finn began, seeing the sudden alarm on her face.

“He’s having a nightmare, I’ll talk to you soon!” She said and ended the call before Finn could respond.

Ben was curled up on his side kicking weakly when Rey awoke him. 

“It was a dream. It’s over now.” He lay panting, his hands clenched into fists.

“It’s _never_ going to be over.” He snarled, clutching his hair. Rey sighed. The room comm suddenly beeped and a mechanical voice said: _“Your ship has arrived. Please head to Theed Spaceport docking pier A-14 at your earliest convenience.”_

“Listen.” Rey began. “Tonight I think you should take one of those pills. You aren’t getting enough sleep. If we’re going to have to fight our way into that cave, you can’t be in a state of exhaustion, agreed?” Rey said, rubbing his back. Ben sighed, but eventually nodded.

“I can do that.” he said with a sigh of resignation.

“You won’t have to every night.” Rey assured him. He gave her another wan smile.

“I know.” She leaned forward and pressed her lips to his forehead.

“Well, let’s get ready to go, then.” He nodded and made his way to the ‘fresher. Rey watched him go, her mouth twisted in a frown. She could feel nothing from his side of the bond. He was blocking her out again. The sooner they left Naboo, the better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay. I was stuck on this damn chapter for too long! This should go more smoothly after this!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She changed everything. Even as he lay bleeding in the snow all he wanted to do was grab her and drag her back. She would have hated him for it. It would have been a disaster. Even with the bond forming she would have fought him at every turn. He wouldn’t have been able to bear it, he was certain of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the wait! this chapter is mostly un-beta'd I wanted to post ASAP though since I made everyone wait so long!

The trip to Dantooine was long and Ben was growing more restless each day. He could not concentrate on anything. Memories constantly plagued him despite how he tried to drown them out. He worked out until he was exhausted most days, but he still could not sleep for very long before he was awoken by a nightmare. 

Most days he began by trying to meditate, to clear his mind. Each time a memory would seize him as he tried to control his breathing, tried to do something so simple that he had long ago become proficient at. Each failure infuriated him and sometimes he would lose control and pound his fists against the durasteel, screaming in rage. 

The room was empty. What its use was meant to be, he didn’t know. But there was nothing in there for him to destroy, so it was there he retreated most days.

Rey left him alone when he was in the empty room. She knew he needed to be alone. But when he emerged at the end of the day, she was waiting for him, smiling brightly. His anger and frustration eased every time he saw her beautiful face. He didn’t know what he would do without her. She made everything seem better. Even the way she pestered him to eat each day was endearing. He fought his lack of appetite and forced himself to eat just enough to appease her. He wasn’t sure why everything tasted like ash in his mouth, but he tried hard not to let it bother him. Some days he was more successful than others. 

Some days were good. Some days he couldn’t find the will or desire to leave their bed. He’d never been one to lie in bed for half the day, but some days he woke and he hurt everywhere. Some days he was so drained and miserable that he just lay there, staring at nothing while his mind dredged up his worst memories and tormented him. 

Those days were the worst and usually starting with him waking up with Rey holding him tight as he sobbed breathlessly. Sometimes the dreams were so vivid that he awoke, certain he would find the sheets beneath him wet with his blood. Some days a phantom pain would race up his spine repeatedly, like he was being violated by a specter. That had him racing to the ‘fresher to vomit more often than not. He would crawl into their bed afterwards, too shocked and overwhelmed to cry.

Rey always knew when he needed her. He tried to close the bond whenever he got upset, but she always knew anyway. She would come into the bedroom and lie beside him and slowly pull him into her arms. She would kiss his brow and cheeks and smooth his sweaty hair back from his face. She always asked what had upset him, but he rarely had the strength to tell her.

Rey called Leia their first night on board the shuttle. Ben was slumped against her, snoring quietly. The little red pill had knocked him out in only a few minutes. She told Leia what had happened since last they had spoken. She confessed about their misunderstanding that had led to Ben being hospitalized again and his flight and eventual return.  
Leia sighed sadly at that.  
“Rey, I’m so sorry-”  
“Stop. Do not be sorry. He’s been through a lot more than I think you realize.” At Leia’s bemused expression she decided it was time to tell Leia all about Snoke.

“My poor, sweet boy!” Leia sobbed when Rey finished speaking. “It never made sense- How he went from being such a sweet child to such a vicious thing. I never understood…”  
“Snoke had him completely brainwashed. He’d been working at it since Ben was just a little boy.” Leia nodded morosely. “And once he had him, he did whatever he wanted to force Ben to obey. Ben did what he had to just to survive.” Leia nodded again, and for a long time she sat quietly, wiping her eyes. Eventually she offered Rey a strained smile.  
“There’s a book I bought for him, but I think you should read it too. Honestly I doubt he will even want to read it from what you told me, but maybe you can ask him some of the questions and see what he says- if he says anything.” Leia shrugged, frowning. “It can’t hurt to try, just don’t push too hard.”

Rey found the book in question. It was specifically about ‘Post Traumatic Stress Disorder’, which she had never heard of, but then she had never had the opportunity to study anything more than basic wound care. And the book was made with actual paper. That was a novelty in itself, but her eagerness to read and learn quickly turned to dismay when she came upon the first list entitled: “Pre-Event Factors”. 

Ben had suffered nearly every one. 

He’d been neglected as a child, unintentionally of course, but nevertheless, he’d been often alone as a young boy. She had felt his longing for his parents and it had been nearly as acute as her own. But in some ways it had been worse for him, knowing they were there and they chose to be anywhere but with him.

He’d been physically abused by Snoke for half of his life, he’d witnessed other’s torture at Snoke’s hands as well. He’d been plagued by anxiety from a young age, seeing Leia and Han screaming at each other and then Han disappearing for weeks on end. His coping skills.. She shook her head in sorrow. Calling them ineffective was too kind. Family instability, another check. Childhood separations, check. Family history of antisocial or criminal behavior- Gods, Darth Vader was his fucking Grandfather. If he wasn’t the universal poster child of antisocial and criminal behavior, who was? He obviously had trouble with authority, she knew the only reason he had obeyed Snoke was out of fear. Absence of support during bad times was next, and for fifteen years he had had no one. No one cared for him after Snoke tore into his mind and left him a shuddering wreck that had to crawl back to his room. No one offered a kind word or a helping hand when Snoke attacked him with lightning that nearly made his heart stop. Weakness of any kind was only met with more punishment. And the last one was: “Early losses of people, possessions, or home.” Yes, yes, and yes.

He’d been sent away from his mother and father. Away from his home and friends, his books and anything he cared to call his own. He’d been sent to his uncle who had treated him not like his only nephew, but like every other Padawan. And it had hurt Ben deeply. 

It was utterly disheartening to realize how badly he’d been treated. She had known all along, she’d seen his memories enough to know how bad it had been. But to see it in print, to check off so many boxes made her heart ache. How had he endured for so long? The core of strength that had sustained him through his miserable life was battered almost to the point of breaking.

But he wasn’t broken yet, and she would be damned if she let someone touch him like that again. She realized with cold fury that she would kill anyone who tried.

She read on and realized that not only the abuse he’d suffered had caused him trauma, but also all the lives he’d taken had scored his spirit and his mind. With the exception of defending himself, every life he’d taken had been at Snoke’s command. And he had learned at age fifteen what disobeying Snoke meant. 

It had taken her a long time to process everything she’d accidentally stolen from his mind after he had invaded hers that first time. Many nights had left her crying in terror as she had remembered one of his memories in her dreams. The first time Snoke had punished him had made her sick. It was one of the reasons she had blocked him for so long. She couldn’t handle his pain and hers at the same time. But eventually she began to cope. Ultimately, she found she could no longer hate him after all that he had endured. She realized that it had been what had prompted her to save him from Alric. She hadn’t known it at the time, of course, she had just felt an overwhelming need to see him safe. Deep down she knew he couldn’t take any more. He’d been through so much already. Her life had been miserable thirst and loneliness. His had been torture. 

But enslavement and rape were a new level of Hell and she was thankful she had never suffered it. Seeing it happen to Ben had been horrible enough. Those Twi’lek girls had ignored his tears and pleas just like everyone else. They had drugged him, one had been yanking on his ears and insulting him. And that had just been the one time. She knew there had been several more assaults and was thankful the Force hadn’t made her witness them. Hearing his screams as he’d been shocked had been horrible enough. Seeing his tears after he’d been abused so grievously had been gut-wrenching. She wished she had gotten there sooner. She wished she could make him forget everything, but according to the book, ignoring the memories was the worst thing to do.

The section marked: “Post-Event Factors” was even more disheartening. She wasn’t sure she counted as “good social support”. Did one person count? She couldn’t say for sure, but she didn’t think so. He had not been able to do anything about what happened. Rey had taken that away from him when she’d killed Alric. She hadn’t even known that that could affect him adversely. Time would only tell if it had. She could always ask. She would have her answer whether he was honest or not.

He wasn’t “indulging in self-pity” she didn’t think. He didn’t complain on the days when he lay in bed staring at nothing. But then, he didn’t have to. She could feel his misery. 

She nearly had to beg him to eat every day. Did that count as “neglecting yourself”? He didn’t just “let things happen to him” or else he wouldn’t have run from the hospital. She didn’t know how he was supposed to find “meaning in the suffering”. What meaning could you get from that kind of degradation? Why did suffering have to mean anything, how could it? She shook her head in anger. She didn’t understand. Suffering means that people will hurt you because they can. Suffering is endless thirst and hunger. Suffering is pain and blood and broken bones and prayers for relief unanswered. Suffering is endless, backbreaking labor for a pittance. It is begging for mercy and being violated repeatedly anyway. It is as meaningless as it is cruel. She closed the book and tightened her hold on Ben as tears slid down her cheeks. 

He was on his hands and knees upon a carpet of broken glass. His mouth was full of broken glass. He choked and he spit out broken glass and purple blood. He picked glass from his lips and tongue with shaking, bloody hands. Why was his blood purple? It was pouring from his mouth as he picked out more glass. He couldn’t swallow, then he would swallow the glass and it would cut him open from the inside out. He leaned forward. He couldn’t feel the glass in his knees, but he knew it was still there. Blood and saliva and glass poured from his mouth like a faucet.

He awoke with a grimace, his hand flying up to his mouth. Finding only smooth flesh, he sighed and blinked the fog away. It had just been a disturbing dream. Like they usually were, if they weren’t outright nightmares. Someone else might consider it a nightmare, but at least he had been suffering alone. No one had tormented him. He hadn’t dreamt of Snoke or Alric. He hadn’t dreamt of something bad happening to Rey. So while it had been disgusting and unnerving, at least he hadn’t woken up screaming or sobbing or both.

He was using Rey as a pillow again, his ear was pressed against her sternum and his arms wrapped around her waist. Her hand rested against his head, her fingers tangled in his hair. He loved being able to hold her so close. No one had ever trusted him like she did. And he trusted her more than anyone. He hadn’t trusted anyone like that since he was so small he could barely remember it.

He thought of his parents and his chest ached with sorrow. He had resented his parents for leaving him alone so often, but how different things would have been if not for Snoke poisoning his thoughts and guiding his actions. How many times had he raged in fury at the torment that was his life? Everything had been everyone else’s fault, so he’d imagined. But it was Snoke all along, and Ben had let him do it. He’d been too afraid to run, and Snoke had made damn sure he had nowhere to run if he ever got the nerve. Eventually he had given up. He’d become Kylo Ren and had done everything he could to destroy the light within. The light hurt too much. The dark was his only comfort for so long. He was all but dead inside when he met Rey.

She changed everything. Even as he lay bleeding in the snow all he wanted to do was grab her and drag her back. She would have hated him for it. It would have been a disaster. Even with the bond forming she would have fought him at every turn. He wouldn’t have been able to bear it, he was certain of that.  
She murmured softly in her sleep and he tilted his head back to place a kiss on her chin. He had never wanted anyone like he wanted her. He had to do something to get those horrible memories out of his head. He was going to go insane if he couldn’t touch Rey without panicking. He was desperate to feel her clit throbbing against his tongue, to bury himself in her soft folds until she had completely come undone. Fuck, he was getting hard thinking about it, and her thigh was pressed against his cock, and she was so soft. She smelled so good, he needed to get out of bed before he made a fool of himself.  
He tried to pull away, but she clung to him fiercely.

“No.” She grumbled in her sleep. He smiled softly. She was asleep, he could feel that her dreams were pleasant. He was touched that she would keep him close even when she was completely unaware. He hoped it meant she felt something of what he felt for her. He knew she felt something for him, knew that she cared for him, but what that something was exactly, he had no clue. Was it base desire, or was it something finer?

What he felt for her was all-encompassing. Yes, he wanted her desperately, but it wasn’t just physically. He wanted her by his side for as long as they lived. Rey had never had a family, but he could be that if she would let him. He would give her children, too, if she wanted them. If she wanted to have any with him. 

He frowned at that. She probably wouldn’t want that. Who in their right mind would want to bear his child? For fifteen years he had been Kylo Ren. Jedi Killer. First Knight of Ren. He’d been both slave and executioner. His only worth was the power he could command, and he had never used it for good. He couldn’t imagine having to explain his actions to his own child. And what if they found out what had been done to him? The very idea made him want to vomit.

He knew he didn’t deserve Rey’s kindness and affection. She had to know as well, but she gave it freely anyway. She could have left him with Alric. No one had asked her to help him. She let him hold her. She held him when everything was too much and he cried. Fifteen years worth of tears he’d cried in her arms. He didn’t want to cry anymore, but sometimes he couldn’t help it. Sometimes he wanted to and he couldn’t shed a drop. Some days on the shuttle bled together and the only things that stood out in his mind was what Rey had said to him that day, how many times she kissed him chastely, and how they fit in each other’s arms when they slept.

When they had boarded the shuttle he had feared that she would not touch him after what had happened at the hotel. He was still so angry with himself for getting upset and ruining everything. And Rey had been feeling so guilty over something that was not her fault. He’d been certain that she wouldn’t kiss him again for a very long time. But as soon as they had put their new clothing in the Captain’s quarters, she had pulled him close and kissed him sweetly. But only once before she hugged him close.

“I need to call Leia.” She said with an apologetic smile. He had watched her walk away without protest, too relieved that she hadn’t given up on him in disgust. 

He had fallen asleep in her arms that night. The little red pill had knocked him out quickly. He woke alone and before he could recall the night before, he felt a familiar dizziness that could only mean he had been drugged. He panicked then. He fell out of bed and crawled to the ‘fresher, gasping in fright. Someone wanted him compliant so they could hurt him. He’d collapsed on the cold tile as his heart pounded and the dizziness increased. Then Rey was beside him, petting him gently and whispering reassurances. It was a while before his head cleared and the panic subsided, even longer before he was able to sit up and stop shaking. Rey carefully wrapped her arms around him and he shuddered, squeezing her tight. 

“You don’t have to take them, Ben. We’ll just save them in case you really need them, okay?” She murmured softly as she gently rubbed his scalp. He nodded, swallowing rapidly as he tried not to vomit. He was ashamed that he had fallen apart so completely, he felt so weak. Rey winced as his emotions slipped out of his control. “You have to give it time, Ben. You’re not weak. You’re a lot stronger than you think-” He snorted in contempt. “Stop that. You’ve been through enough to break ten men. And you’re still here. You’re not weak!” She squeezed him tighter.

She shifted and sighed next to him, her thigh rubbing his groin again. He bit back a whimper, she was going to be the death of him. 

“I love you, Rey.” He said. It was the barest whisper, but he knew it was true the moment he said it. He did love her. Utterly and endlessly he was hers and hers alone. He knew he would give his life to save hers if it came down to it. That he would kill for her wasn’t a question. Anyone who hurt his beautiful Rey would die.

Rey hated being stuck on a ship for so long. She felt especially useless on the few days where Ben stayed in bed for most of the time. The first time, she had attempted to rouse him from their bed, but when she had felt through the bond how much he ached and his deep exhaustion, she had immediately sat beside him and began to rub his back. His soft groan of relief at her ministrations emboldened her and she began to rub his muscles harder, kneading them until the tension eased completely. Soon he was snoring softly and she smiled even as she wrung her aching hands.

The next time she had expected it. She had woken to him squeezing her tight, gasping sharply, his whole body trembling.  
“It’s over. I’m here.” She had crooned, placing a kiss on his sweaty brow. He tensed in her arms and sniffled quietly, but she could feel his tears making her shirt grow damp. “It’s alright, Ben.” 

When she woke again, he still clung to her, his eyes half-lidded, his skin a startling white except for the dark under his eyes.  
“I gotta get up.” She murmured drowsily and he rolled onto his back, releasing her with a sigh. When she exited the ‘fresher and asked him if he would eat breakfast with her he shook his head, not looking at her.  
“I feel sick.” He sighed before she could begin to argue with him. She knew he was being honest and let it go.

The pilot droid was one of the chattiest she had ever met. They had been flying for nearly two weeks and every day she called Leia or Finn to talk. But sometimes she liked to talk to PD-137.  
“Miss Rey, good morning!” PD-137 said in his amiable voice.  
“Good morning.” She said. “How much longer?”  
“Three and one quarter cycles. How is Master Ben this morning?”  
“He’s not feeling well.” Rey sighed.  
“How unfortunate! Does he require medical attention?” Rey frowned.  
“He does, but he won’t see a doctor.” PD-137’s thin black frame twisted to gaze upon her.  
“If he requires medical aid-”  
“It’s not like that. He’s not bleeding, he’s not violently ill, really. He’s… Depressed. Honestly I’m not sure, I’m not a doctor.”  
“I am not a medical droid. I cannot help other than to take him to the nearest med-center.” PD-137 responded.  
“I know. It’s alright. For right now, keep to the course. If anything changes, I will let you know.” She replied and stood.  
“Very good, Miss Rey.”

She made her way to the Captain’s quarters to check on Ben. He was curled up under the blankets so she could only see him from the nose up. His eyes cracked open and gazed at her. She sat beside him and gently began to comb his hair with her fingers.  
“Can I get you anything? You might feel better if you ate something.”  
“I’m just so tired.” He said, his voice hoarse. “I feel like if I even smell food I’ll be sick.” Rey nodded.  
“I know what to give you for that.” She went to the galley and found carbonated sweet root juice. Poe swore by its ability to soothe an upset stomach. She returned to find Ben still curled up, his eyes closed. “Come on, sit up. You need to drink some of this.” He sat up with a yawn and took the can from her, sipping slowly. After a while she felt a measure of relief through the bond as his stomach finally eased. “Did you sleep at all last night?” She asked. He shrugged and flopped back against the pillows.  
“Maybe an hour or two. It couldn’t have been long.” Rey smiled sadly.  
“I know what to do for that, too.”

She began to read him the owner’s manual for the shuttle they traveled in and he couldn’t help but smile and laugh softly. He wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her close until he could use her lap as a pillow and it wasn’t long before his eyes were drifting shut and he was asleep.

Some days he trained until he could barely walk. Rey would only watch when he was not a maelstrom of fury. That was not as often as she liked. But she had to admit, even with only a length of pipe instead of a lightsaber, he would still be deadly. Had his blows anything to connect with, it would be destroyed. She could all too easily imagine him crushing skulls. And she couldn’t deny that she just enjoyed watching him.

The days ran together. Ben was often quiet. She could feel the turmoil of his thoughts but not their content. He was blocking her at times, but when he wanted her near, she knew right away. And she always went to him immediately. She knew she could deny him nothing. And the sweet smile he gave her every time he saw her was enough to make her heart pound. But more often than not his smile was tinged with melancholy. She always held him tight when he smiled at her like that and she could feel some of the tension bleed out of him.

The last night before they reached Dantooine followed one of the good days. Ben ate everything that Rey asked him to. He worked out and she felt no anger coming from him. He didn’t look like death warmed over, he looked content. There was something causing him tension, but whatever it was he was blocking from her. She didn’t want to pry although it did worry her a bit. They both sat down to meditate together before dinner and without either willing it, the bond flew open and they both gasped at the pleasure it sent coursing through them.

Then she easily saw what was making his shoulders tight and his thoughts guarded. His desire for her was driving him crazy. He tried to ignore it for fear of a repeat of their last morning at the hotel, but he couldn’t quell it entirely. She couldn’t hide her desire either, and felt her face grow flame hot. He pulled her close and kissed her lips softly and she shuddered in his arms. Her kisses turned desperate for a moment, but then she willed herself to stop and pull back. The pain in his eyes tore her heart and she held his face, not allowing him to pull away. 

“We should slow down.” She panted.  
“I don’t want to.” He said, his expression tormented.  
“But you need to.” She whispered.  
“I can’t stand it anymore.” He groaned, turning his face and pressing his lips to her palm.  
“I don’t want you to have any regrets.” His expression grew irritated.  
“I don’t see how I could.” He huffed. She smiled softly and kissed his brow.  
“I can feel that you’re still nervous. And I… I want it to be perfect.” She could feel that he wanted to argue still, but then just as suddenly, the fight went out of him. Ben sighed deeply and finally nodded once.  
“Alright, Rey.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The book Leia gave Rey is: The PTSD Workbook Second Edition 'Simple, Effective Techniques for Overcoming Traumatic Stress Symptoms' By: Mary Beth Williams, PHD. LCSW, CTS and Soili Poijula, PHD if anyone wanted to know.  
> I wanted to do research with a book written by legit doctors, not just stuff on the internet, you know? I'm no psychiatrist.  
> Thank you again for all the kudos and comments! You guys are the best! Next chapter: Dantooine!!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For several moments all they could do was stare in awe. Some clumps of crystals were small, some were larger than Ben. She was immediately drawn to a cluster of lovely blue crystals the color of the evening sky on Jakku when the second sun was nearing the horizon.  
> “Beautiful..” she breathed. She could feel a pull like they and her heart were two magnets being drawn together. She raised a shaking hand to touch the vibrant blue and she heard a creak and a popping sound. Two blue, double terminated crystals fell right into her hand.

General Hux sat in his quarters going through all the footage Alric had taken of Kylo the day before his escape. For most of it Kylo had been unconscious, his skin flushed with fever. Even Alric slapping him repeatedly and then roughly fucking him hadn’t roused him. Then after fast forwarding through about five hours of Kylo lying in the shabby bed and nothing else, he saw the door open and a girl walk in. Hux watched as she put her hands on Kylo and tried shaking him gently.  
“Kylo, can you hear me?” He groaned and Hux watched as his eyelids began to flutter. “That’s it! Come on, open your eyes!” She coaxed. He struggled to obey, groaning miserably. Hux scowled as he watched the scene. “Shh, just breathe. I’m here. I’m going to try to heal you.” Kylo made a strangled, panicked sound that made Hux sneer. He looked like he was going to burst into tears and Hux’s smile grew into a savage grin. "Kylo, just breathe! It's over now. He can't hurt you anymore. I'm here with you. We're going to get out of here, but I need to heal you first. I can't carry you." The girl said. She placed her dainty hands on Kylo’s chest and Hux wondered what the hell she was doing. Kylo’s whole body relaxed and shortly after his eyes opened. “There he is.” The girl said and he sat up, just as she slumped forward and into his arms.  
“You’re here!” Kylo gasped, pulling her close. “You’re really here!” Gone was the pallid skin with the scarlet flush. Gone were all the bruises that had covered his skin. He was still covered with scars old and new, but half of his face had been nearly purple! How had she done it? He looked whole and hale and Hux could not believe his eyes. What had just happened?  
“What did I just see?!”

Dantooine was beautiful and breathed the Force. The sky was endless just like on Jakku. It reminded her of Naboo with it’s pristine wilderness, but it was much more rural. They flew over the Khoonda plains until their sensors picked up the entrance of the crystal cave. The ruins outside the cave had once been the Jedi Enclave, Ben had said. In the distance she could see the shattered remains of a temple.  
“How do we get in?” Rey asked as the shuttle touched down.  
“There has to be a way to get in. It’s been empty almost four thousand years. I’d heard all the Jedi artifacts inside are long gone.” Then his eyes locked on PD-137. “Hey, you! If there’s a storm coming let us know!”  
“Yes, sir.” PD-137 chirped.  
“Rather not get hit by lightning again.” He muttered.

The entrance to the Jedi enclave had long ago been cleared of debris and indeed, anything of value was long gone. Rey lit a torch and they made their way deeper inside, stepping around shattered columns and statues of Jedi who had been forgotten for thousands of years. The cold breeze that drifted through the temple led them toward the crystal cave and she could feel the Force weave around them opening their bond fully again. Ben’s hand grasped hers and held tight. She could feel his excitement tempered by the anxiety that he still felt at most times. But he wasn’t worried for himself so much, he was worried about the kinrath. He’d seen them once as a child on Kashyyyk and despite seeing his father and Chewbacca pick them off with their blaster and bowcaster, he’d been horrified.  
The cave was silent as they stepped around stalagmites. Rey could feel a pull toward something she couldn’t define, she wondered if Ben could feel it as well, but when she opened her mouth to ask he shook his head holding a finger up to his lips.  
They walked for over an hour when Rey’s stomach growled loud enough to echo in the cave and Ben cringed, coming to a standstill.  
_‘Sorry.’_ Rey sent him across the bond. He smiled, but she could feel that he was growing alarmed. They had to be quiet. The kinrath were blind, but they weren’t deaf. And they could sense heat, so it was in their best interest to remain undetected for as long as possible. While they were less dangerous than viper kinrath, the hive kinrath that dwelled in the cave were more numerous. It would be easy to become overwhelmed by large numbers. And while the cave was large, it was gradually narrowing and Rey was beginning to wonder if there were any crystals left to find. But something was drawing her further in, and she knew Ben could feel it, too.  
Another hour of plodding in the dark, and Rey was deeply regretting not bringing some rations or anything at all to eat. Ben didn’t seem to be hungry, but then, he never had an appetite anymore. It worried her. He was a big guy, he needed more food each day than she did, but it was still a struggle for him to eat even as much as she did. She knew how he felt. Some days she could offer him the sweetest fruit and it would taste like ash in his mouth.  
Suddenly he tensed, coming to a halt in front of her. _‘What is it?’_ She sent through the bond, then she heard it: Rapid clicking coming from everywhere. It echoed through the cave growing to a horrid cacophony that made her head ache. Ben jumped in front of her and raised his blaster. Rey ignited her saber and gasped in horror when the blue light reflected off of too many eyes to count.  
“Shit.” Ben gasped and started firing. The kinrath charged from all sides and Ben kept firing. The shrieks of the wounded kinrath was ear-piercing. She put her back to Ben’s and began to slash and hack at the beasts as they tried to strike her with the grotesque appendage under their mouths. They squealed and hissed as they sought to shoot her with strange webbing. One coated her hand with the vile stuff, but that only ensured that her saber would remain locked in her grasp.  
“Stupid things!” She hissed as she cut one’s long torso in half. Ben continued to shoot as quickly as he could pull the trigger and their burnt carcasses quickly filled the cave with a foul stench that had them both choking and retching.  
She felt Ben clutch her hip as he continued to fire rapidly. She swung her saber wildly, with no finesse whatsoever. The kinrath were fast, and the appendage under their mouths struck even faster, but the webs were useless. Until suddenly they weren’t.  
One spit its web and Rey couldn’t see or breathe. She fell back with a cry onto jagged rocks and thrashed wildly, trying to tear the webs from her face.  
“They’re almost done, just hold on Rey!” Ben cried, firing as fast as he could. She heard their shrieks, even as she tore at the webbing on her face. She couldn’t breathe!  
Then there was silence but for Ben, panting harshly. He began to pull the webbing free and suddenly she could breathe. She lay gasping as Ben stared down at her, his eyes wide with fright.  
“Are you okay?!” She nodded quickly and after she caught her breath, Ben helped her to her feet. His shirt was torn and she saw a bloody gash torn across his chest, dripping sluggishly.  
“You’re hurt!” Rey gasped. Ben shook his head with a faint smile.  
“I’m fine. It’s nothing.”  
“It isn’t!” She retorted. He heaved a sigh and shrugged.  
“Can’t do anything about it now, so why worry?” His cavalier attitude irked her. She didn’t like when he was hurt, but he didn’t seem to care at all. It was worrisome to say the least. But he wasn’t intentionally harming himself or seeking battle with no justification, so she couldn’t really complain. She just wished he had some regard for his health and well-being. She frowned at him, but nodded. She hadn’t brought any Bacta with her. She should have thought of it.  
The cave was littered with dead kinrath and she saw a few scorch marks on the cave walls where Ben had missed. The silence was cut by their harsh breathing. “We need to hurry.” He said, and she could feel his unease. More would surely come, but she could still feel something pulling her, urging her to go further.  
Almost another hour passed and they were both growing tired. But the feeling was growing stronger as the cave shrank to a narrow tunnel. Rey was used to climbing through dark, tight spaces, but Ben was not. She didn’t feel fear from him, just a deep sense of disquiet. When they had to stoop down and then crawl he began to grow even more nervous, but they couldn’t stop. The Force was singing to them both and they knew that they had to continue. Finally the tunnel opened to a wide chamber and when she shined her torch she was dazzled by a wealth of crystals in a rainbow of color.  
“Finally!” Ben hissed in triumph. She couldn’t help but grin as well.  
For several moments all they could do was stare in awe. Some clumps of crystals were small, some were larger than Ben. She was immediately drawn to a cluster of lovely blue crystals the color of the evening sky on Jakku when the second sun was nearing the horizon.  
“Beautiful..” she breathed. She could feel a pull like they and her heart were two magnets being drawn together. She raised a shaking hand to touch the vibrant blue and she heard a creak and a popping sound. Two blue, double terminated crystals fell right into her hand.  
She turned to show Ben, her smile wide. She saw two red, single point crystals in his palm. His smile was wicked and she felt her own smile freeze and felt her heart begin to pound.  
“Ben… they’re red.” She said, winced as she heard her voice quaver.  
“Yes.” He replied, not noticing her sudden reticence. He looked downright gleeful. “They’re perfect.”  
“But… They’re red..” Rey said, unsure. Only Sith and Dark Force users had red light sabers. Ben shot her a bemused look then his brows rose in realization.  
“Yes, but they’re naturally red. They haven't been cracked and forced to change. They’re perfect. And they’re mine.” She frowned as she stepped closer. She could feel that they were meant for him. There was no denying it. Just as there was no denying the beautiful blue stones in her palm were meant for her. And she felt nothing of the dark emanating from the crystals, she felt them calling to him as hers called to her. She felt her tension ease. He was right. They was meant for him. She smiled.  
“Then let’s get the hell out of here. I’m starving!” Ben chuckled.

Three hours later they emerged from the cave, filthy and exhausted. The sun was setting and one of the moons had just risen. It was nearly full and sat on the horizon, bloated and orange against the blue sky. It was beautiful. The fresh air was like heaven on their sweaty and bruised skin, and the slash across Ben’s chest was a livid red, caked with dried blood.  
PD-137 jolted upright when they came into view.  
“Mistress Rey! Master Ben! I was so worried! I thought something terrible had happened! Master Ben! You’re injured!” The droid exclaimed. Ben smiled, but Rey could feel melancholy sweep through him. PD reminded him of another droid, she could feel it.  
“It’s nothing.” He replied. PD’s head snapped back and forth, glancing at Rey, then Ben, then Rey again. Rey couldn’t help but laugh.  
“We have Bacta, I’m sure, don’t we?” Rey asked.  
“Why, of course, Mistress! And the refresher does have a healing setting as well!” PD replied. Ben groaned in irritation.  
“I can still smell and taste Bacta from being in that damned tank!” He huffed.

After Ben was clean, he applied some bacta salve to his chest as he watched Rey eat with enthusiasm. He had to admit, he was famished as well. Rey was still covered in dirt, and he saw webs in her hair.  
“Yeah, yeah.” She grumbled. “I’ll shower when I’m done.”  
“I didn’t say anything.” Ben said, then bit his lower lip to contain his smile.  
“You don’t have to.” She said, trying to hide her smile as well.

Once Rey was showered and dressed she rejoined Ben who was still munching quietly on some blue-milk cheese and lavender treebread, and liwi fruit. He looked as tired as she felt.  
“So, we have our crystals. What now?” Rey wondered. He sighed.  
“We need… Frankly a lot of things. Diatium power cells, focusing crystal activators, energy gates, and that’s only a few pieces. There are nineteen vital components necessary to create a lightsaber. It is going to take some time. Honestly, it took me less time with my first saber because… Well, everything we needed was at the… Academy.” He frowned as he remembered his God's-be-damned uncle attempting to slaughter him in his sleep. Rey winced as she felt his anguish.  
“Ben? I know you didn’t destroy the temple, but who did?” Rey murmured, watching his face. He sighed.  
“I can only assume it was Snoke. It wasn’t me. After I brought down my little hut on top of that bastard's head, I crawled out and everything was dark. Then there was a massive explosion that threw me back. Everything was on fire. I tried to help but another explosion went off when I tried to get close. I know it was Snoke. It had to have been. He immediately blamed the Jedi, and… My uncle. I didn’t question him. I had just seen my uncle standing over me, ready to cut me in half. I just wanted to get away from there.” His features darkened then with a scowl of anger. “I don’t know who claimed I murdered them all. It was either Snoke or…” He shook his head, his expression bitter.  
“What is it?” Ben shook his head rapidly, his mouth pressed in a thin line. “Please, tell me.” His mouth opened and closed a few times, then he shrugged.  
“Three other apprentices were off-world and showed up just as the temple was burning. I told them what Luke did, but they wouldn’t listen. They automatically assumed I killed everyone, destroyed everything. I just wanted to leave, but Voe especially was eager to fight. She had always been… Jealous of… Me, I guess. I was always stronger than her physically, and with the Force as well. Tai didn’t want to fight. He never did, really.” His smile was somber. “And Hennix, he just went along with Voe, I think. He usually did, anyway.” Ben sighed and rubbed his forehead. “They all drew their sabers, and Voe attacked. I froze her in place and then pushed her back into Hennix. I told them to leave me alone. I told them I just wanted to go. I didn’t want to fight them, I kept trying to give them a chance to get away. I never once drew my lightsaber. But it didn’t matter to them. I think they must have always hated me. Not Tai, though.. I guess.. Like it mattered.” He stared down at his lap, his mouth twisted in anger. “Finally I used the Force to fling a bunch of debris at them and Hennix got hurt. I didn’t want to, but I had to stop them. I took my ship and they followed me so I took out their main engines and left them there. After that… I went to Snoke. Then he sent me to find the Knights of Ren.” She could feel the anger and hurt rolling off of him. Everyone had always thought the worst of him. And he had gone and proven them right.  
“Ben, they were wrong to blame you. To not even try to listen-”  
“Tai did. But he was the only one. And he always preferred to avoid a fight if he could. I don’t think he believed I was innocent any more than the others. And I was a fool to go to Snoke, to find the Knights of Ren. That didn’t exactly scream innocence.”  
“But you said Snoke sent you to find them.” Ben frowned.  
“It doesn’t matter, Rey. I still did it. And when they tracked me down again, I killed Hennix. Well- he threw his lightsaber at me and I deflected it- but that hardly matters. After that, Ren killed Tai. We were fighting and I disarmed him, and he- I didn’t want to kill him. I wasn’t going to. We had a connection.” His smile turned wry for only a moment. “It didn’t hold a candle to ours. But he was the closest thing I had to a friend. He was trying to talk to me and Ren snapped his neck. So I killed Ren and took his place. Then I killed Voe. And then I became the master of the Knights of Ren.” He sighed and scratched his scruffy chin. His face was blank but his eyes were filled with pain. “I never liked Voe. She never liked me. But still…” He frowned. “I don’t know. I guess it was only a matter of time. She was self-righteous and relentless. She would have chased me across the galaxy, and I’m not sure it would have been entirely because of her need for vengeance. Deep down, I think she just wanted…” He sighed again. “I don’t know. Sometimes I think she just wanted to beat me so she could gloat.” He yawned and rubbed his face. “It doesn’t matter anymore. She’s dead, and I killed her.” It had been years since he’d even thought of them. But Rey’s simple question had dredged up so many bad memories. But they were going to build new lightsabers together. It would be a totally different experience. He would finally be able to teach her something! And he loved her unlike he had ever loved another. Nothing was going to be like it had once been.

That night he dreamed of them. Hennix, Tai, and Voe. Their skin was rotting. The stench was unbearable. Tai’s head rested on his shoulder, a very visible and sickening bulge of broken bones in his neck. Hennix was stitched together poorly at the waist. Voe had a smoldering hole in her chest.  
“You think she will save you.” Hennix chuckled.  
“She already has.” Ben said, knowing he spoke of Rey.  
“You think she will love you.” Voe sneered. “As if anyone could love you! As if you could ever feel love!”  
"You never knew me. Being dead hasn't made you any wiser." Ben spat. No one would tell him his feelings for Rey weren't real.  
Tai said nothing, but his eyes held fathoms of despair that pierced Ben’s heart.

He awoke gasping. Rey held him close and murmured soothing words in his ear.  
“It’s over. It was a dream. I’m here.” He couldn’t speak, but he held her tighter and tried not to sob outright. He somehow managed to swallow his cries, but his tears ran freely. 

Hux watched the video of Kylo and the scavenger girl decimating the Praetorian guard. It was the same girl who had killed Alric and freed Kylo.  
“Captain Phasma!” He barked into him comm.  
“Yes, sir!”  
“Report to my chambers immediately.” He did not wait for her answer and stood, beginning to pace. The girl was a Jedi witch. He was certain of it. The wretched girl had ruined everything! Why had she fought by Kylo’s side and then fought him afterwards? Hux frowned. He would have done the same in her situation, honestly. But that didn’t explain why she had seen fit to find Kylo and slay Alric. It didn’t make sense, and it outraged him. Who was she?  
The door alert chimed and Phasma let herself in. Hux motioned her close and raised the datapad for her inspection.  
“Find this girl. I need to know where she’s from, who she is, who she knows. Kylo Ren is with her. I want them both. And I want them alive!”  
“Yes, sir!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter! I wrote the whole thing today and for some reason I thought it was longer! Also, guess who bought "The Rise of Kylo Ren"? This bitch! YAASSS! Sorry again for the delay, but I should probably mention I am also writing a Mandalorian fic as well. Anyway, all kudos and comments are greatly appreciated! You guys have been awesome!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben stumbled away until his back hit a wall. He went to his knees with an anguished warble and scurried back into a corner. He tried to make himself small despite the fact that he hadn’t been able to do such a thing since maybe age eleven. He heard Lando talking, his voice no longer harsh, but whatever he was saying, Ben couldn’t hear. He just wanted to hide, but nowhere was safe. If Snoke had been Palpatine all along then he wasn’t safe anywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra long chapter because I took forever to write it. Sorry, I had three parties I had to host and I only wanted to do one (my daughter's 5th birthday). Oh, and I finally went back to work. I know, excuses are useless. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter!!

They left Dantooine the next day. There was nothing left for them to find and Ben was leery of staying too long. He felt a compulsion to keep moving. An abandoned Jedi enclave on Bespin was their next stop. Ben had heard about it as a boy, and while he was wary of travelling to Bespin, he felt a strange urgency driving him. The place had been abandoned since the Great Jedi Purge. He wasn’t concerned that they would run into anyone. It was getting onto the planet himself that worried him.

He had no intention of going to Cloud City, no intention of running into Lando Calrissian, but a sick feeling in his stomach told him it might be unavoidable. Rey was busy talking with his mother, and while a part of him missed her terribly, another part was terrified to see anger and hatred in her eyes. He expected and deserved it, he knew, but just the thought made him want to vomit.

The enclave had once been the training grounds of the Altisian Jedi. But they had fled before his mother was born and he had no clue what had become of them. The instant they landed on the docking bay, Ben gasped as he felt the place seeped in the Dark. He charged into the cockpit where Rey sat, her face clouded with worry.  
“Rey? What is it?” He heard his mother say.   
“PD Get us the hell out of here! Now!” Ben cried.  
“I cannot, sir! The ship has been disabled!”  
“Ben, what’s going on?” He heard his mother gasp.  
“We have to get out of here!” He yelled. “Fire the laser cannons!” PD-137 attempted to obey only to be frozen in place. He saw Rey trembling, her eyes blinking rapidly as she was frozen as well. He felt it then, something- someone was using the Dark to try and immobilize him, too. “Fuck!” Ben snarled, pulling Rey’s lightsaber to him.  
“Ben! What is happening?!” His mother was frantic.  
“I don’t know! Someone is using the Dark to keep us here! I have to stop them. Rey can’t move and the droid and our ship…” He trailed off as he felt a summons. “They’re calling me..”  
“Ben, no! Don’t go in there!” He glanced between his mother and Rey. They both had the same expression of panic and dread.  
“I have to.” He gave his mother and Rey a weak smile. “I’ll be fine.” He lied. Rey let out a distressed warble and he bent low to kiss her cheek. “I’ll be back soon.”

The temple opened to him and the stench that flowed out immediately made him retch.  
“Gods!” He choked. He couldn’t go in. It was unbearable! Then he felt a breeze blow past him and into the temple, forcing the foul smells back. He stood gasping, trying not to vomit. Finally he was able to breathe and took a step into the cold temple.  
As his eyes adjusted to the dark he saw broken bones, old blasters, and various armor littered everywhere. The walls were covered with scorch marks from blaster fire.  
“Kylo Ren! What a wonderful surprise!” A young, feminine voice cried from the darkness. The room began to light up as small windows set up high slid open. More fresh air flowed inside and he glanced around until he saw a pretty Zeltron with long blue hair. He felt a chill race up his spine when he saw her yellow eyes and felt her power. She was a Sith. How had Snoke not known of her? Her giggle was high-pitched and made his skin crawl.  
“Snoke? You mean the little puppet of the true Master? He was nothing. How do you think you were able to kill him so easily?” Ben didn’t know what she meant by true Master. Gods if there was someone out there even worse than Snoke… She laughed again. “Oh my! Even without the Force, your face is an open book! No wonder you wore that silly mask for so long!” He scowled.   
“Who are you?” He demanded.   
“My name is Yura.” Her yellow eyes lit with unholy fire.  
“What did you do to Rey? And our ship?”  
“You came to visit my temple without permission and you have the temerity to question my motives?” She sneered. Ben gripped Rey’s lightsaber tight. “You who slaughtered your Master for a sand rat from Jakku?” She chuckled derisively. “You are lucky the Emperor has not seen fit to waste time punishing you. Snoke was his creation and you destroyed him. Perhaps he does have plans for you, I don’t know. But I can guess what they are.” She giggled. “I’ve watched him cook people alive with lightning. He’s done it in this very temple! He can make it last when he’s very angry. And I have a feeling he will make it last for you, traitor!”  
“I didn’t betray anyone!” Ben spat in fury. “I was betrayed! Over and over!”  
“Oh, boo hoo! Poor baby! The Emperor wasted his time on you! You’re nothing but a failure! And then you come here to steal from me?” Ben stared at her in confusion. She had not once tried to enter his mind, how could she know all that she did? What did she mean, that Snoke was a creation of this Emperor? What Emperor..? He felt the blood drain from his face and his heart begin to pound. He slowly shook his head. It couldn’t be him. It wasn’t possible.  
“He’s dead. My grandfather-”  
“Your grandfather was a traitor, and so are you!” She snapped and her lightsaber flared to life. He ignited the saber in his hand and pointed it at her face, lowering himself into a crouch. “I can see the light in you! Even…” Yura’s eyes narrowed and he felt her trying to probe his thoughts then. He blocked her attempts with a gasp. She was powerful, but he had more experience defending his mind, and his ability to wield the Force eclipsed her own. She may have slaughtered more innocents to be a true Sith, but the dark and the light no longer were tearing him apart. They were working together in a strange dance that made his heart race. He was going to win, of that he had little doubt. “You are both.. It is most intriguing, but ultimately it will not matter. I will deliver your head to my Master. Then he will forgive me.” 

She fought with Niman form and he with Juyo form. Each time he tried to strike, she shoved him back with the Force, or tripped him and attempted to strike. He began flinging bones at her face as he tried to slash her in half. He locked her feet in place and she shoved him back and he tripped over another pile of bones. He scrambled to his feet and leaped back, just missing her blade. He flung more bones at her and she hacked at them in irritation. He rushed forward, swinging his saber and she used all her power to throw him hard into the wall. He felt agony as a bone snapped and knew his collarbone had broken again. But it wasn’t his sword arm and the pain fueled his power. He snarled and flung her at the opposite wall and heard a wet crunch. She collapsed to the floor.   
He stood on shaking legs, breathing hard. He slowly approached her crumpled form. He saw her hand rise too late and several bones shot at him like arrows. He destroyed them with his saber then cried out as something stabbed him in his back. He couldn’t reach it and didn’t dare try as Yura staggered to her feet. It stung terribly and he could feel his blood soaking into his shirt, but he wasn’t beaten yet. He rushed forward again, striking furiously. Her movements had grown clumsy and weak. She shoved him back again and again, but she was barely able to keep him from hitting her by a hair’s breadth. Her power was wild, uncontrolled. She had never fought someone like him, he realized then. She had fought those weaker than her and won. Or they had not been force sensitive at all and had no chance of defeating her.  
“You’re weak!” He sneered. “You prey on the weak and always have!”   
He felt Rey in the back of his mind, struggling to free herself and feed Ben her own power at the same time. He flung more bones at Yura and he sneered when several shards embedded in her chest. She cried out and began to swing her saber wildly. Ben leaped back from her uncoordinated blows and shoved her back with all his power. She landed on her back and he tore her saber from her grasp, flinging it away. Then he was on her in an instant, pinning her arms down with his knees. She shrieked in rage and tried to wriggle away, but she was far too small to throw him off. He felt her attempting to shove him off with the Force and he grabbed her throat.  
“Show me. I want the truth now.” He snarled and forced his way into her mind more brutally than he ever had before. She was screaming in an instant as he ripped through her defenses with ease. In that moment he was Kylo Ren again and he could vaguely feel Rey’s horror through the bond. He ignored it as the Zeltron convulsed beneath him.   
The Emperor was alive. She had seen him in the flesh. She had not lied. And Snoke had indeed been his freakish creation. A vile puppet who had corrupted Ben since birth to be a weapon of immense power. What would his punishment be if he ever caught Ben? Then he saw it: He had burned people alive with lightning, just as Yura had said. Just as Snoke had tortured him with it. But the Emperor hadn’t stopped at torture. He had cooked them alive. He tore from Yura’s mind with a shudder.   
“You see!” Yura spat. He couldn’t hear anymore. He plunged his saber into her chest. She choked, blood bursting from her mouth. He grimaced as it hit his face as she convulsed beneath him. The yellow fire faded from her eyes as she breathed her last.   
“Ben!” He heard Rey scream from far away. He heard her footsteps and tried to turn to face her, but his back hurt terribly. His shoulder too. He couldn’t lift his left arm. He turned the lightsaber off and it clattered to the ground. Then Rey was there kneeling beside him. “Can you get up?! We have to get this thing out of you!”  
“She’s dead.” He said, his voice faint. He had won, but the fight had taken more out of him than he had anticipated. The adrenaline was wearing off, his hands were shaking badly. He didn’t know what to think.  
“Ben, it’s okay.” She cupped his cheek and tried to turn his face to hers, but just that tiny movement made pain shoot from his neck to his shoulder and chest. He couldn’t help but gasp and freeze in place. “Can you get up, Ben? Please? I need to get you back on the ship.” He tried to reach the bone still protruding from his back. “Don’t touch it!” Rey cried in fright. He let his hand drop. Breathing was painful. Everything was painful. He tasted something awful. He began to choke, and Gods did it hurt. “Ben, please, get up! Come on!” Rey urged and he somehow managed to get to his feet. She held him close as he staggered out of the temple and to the ship. He didn’t know how he was managing, he felt so dizzy. He just wanted to lie down. “Just a little farther.” Rey kept urging. He would do anything Rey asked. He loved her. “I love you too, Ben! You’re going to be okay, I promise!” Did he say that out loud? He didn’t care. He blearily saw the bed and she helped him sit and then lie on his side. “This is going to hurt.” She said softly. She pulled the bone free from his back and he screamed. “I’m sorry, Ben, but I have to do it again!” He whimpered, what did she mean? Then she grabbed his shoulder and forced his collarbone back into place. He howled in agony. “It’s okay! It’s over now!” She gasped. He felt the pain easing, his wounds healing, his broken collarbone mending. Rey was panting with exertion when he opened his eyes. Her skin was pale with fatigue. “Thank the Gods.” She breathed and he barely caught her before she collapsed.   
“Oh, Rey.” He sighed. “Are you alright?” She nodded, yawning.  
“Call your mom. She’s worried.” Rey mumbled and then she was asleep. 

He heard pounding at the shuttlebay door and PD-137 scuttling about. He looked around frantically for Rey’s lightsaber and swore when he realized it was still in the temple. He shot to his feet when he heard footsteps approaching and put himself between Rey and the door. The door slid open and he blinked in shock when he saw Lando Calrissian.  
“What the hell?” Ben gaped.   
“That’s what I want to know! Your mother called me, frantic. Said you were here and needed help, and when I asked why the hell I should help you-”  
“Y-you don’t. We’re fine. Everything is fine.” Ben stammered.  
“Have you looked in a mirror? You’re covered in blood, and you’re about as pale as a corpse! And what about her?”  
“She healed me. It’s fine. We’re fine.” Ben said, his voice faint. He was feeling dizzy again. All he could think of was Yura’s words about Snoke, about the Emperor: _'You are lucky the Emperor has not seen fit to waste time punishing you..'_ He still had a hard time believing it, even though he had seen it for himself. How had the man survived the destruction of the Death Star?   
“Kid, I think you should sit down. You don’t look so good.” He heard Lando’s voice from far away. There was a roaring in his ears that was drowning everything out. His heart was pounding furiously. “Sit down!” Lando snapped and Ben stumbled away until his back hit a wall. He went to his knees with an anguished warble and scurried back into a corner. He tried to make himself small despite the fact that he hadn’t been able to do such a thing since maybe age eleven. He heard Lando talking, his voice no longer harsh, but whatever he was saying, Ben couldn’t hear. He just wanted to hide, but nowhere was safe. If Snoke had been Palpatine all along then he wasn’t safe anywhere.   
Palpatine had been his master all along. Ben couldn’t think of anything else. He had tortured Ben, invaded his mind, electrocuted him. Why had everything stopped with Snoke’s destruction? Could Palpatine not connect without an avatar? Was he too far away? Did he simply not care to? Was Ben a broken toy he no longer desired to play with? Or was he biding his time like a spider in its web? Was he just waiting for Ben to be lulled into a false sense of security before he struck?  
Gods he couldn’t breathe. He was terrified. He heard Lando’s voice, he seemed to be pleading with someone. But it couldn’t be Ben, he sounded too desperate, maybe even afraid. Ben couldn’t hurt him, he couldn’t uncurl from the corner, he couldn’t do anything. He was paralyzed with fear as another thought struck him. Would Lando hurt him now? Lando and Han had been friends for years, and Ben had.. He’d- He couldn’t even think of it. He couldn’t. It was just too much. His chest hurt and his head was spinning. He would defend himself if he had to, but he didn't want to. He couldn’t bear the thought of hurting another person his mother cared for.  
“-breathe kid! Nice and slow-” Was that Lando speaking to him? He didn’t know. He tried to hold his breath. “No, no! I said breathe! Come on, you can do it.” The voice was much softer, calmer. He tried to comply, but it was so hard when he felt like his whole world was falling apart. 

Lando Calrissian was a man who was rarely at a loss for words. When Leia had called him, frantic, he had pushed his reservations aside (after a slight argument) and had gone where she had directed him. Nevermind it was a creepy, long-abandoned Jedi temple or that the person he was sent to help was someone he’d rather strangle to death. He owed a great deal to Han and Leia, so he bit his tongue and did as he was asked.   
When he landed, he ran full tilt at the small freighter. When he heard hoarse screams from inside he began pounding on the door. A droid answered and he barreled past in his haste. What he saw halted him in his tracks.  
There sat Ben Solo, covered in blood, pale as death. A pretty girl falling asleep on the bed he stood in front of.  
“What the hell?” Ben gasped, his face paling further.   
“That’s what I want to know! Your mother called me, frantic. Said you were here and needed help, and when I asked why the hell I should help you-”  
“Y-you don’t. We’re fine. Everything is fine.” Ben stammered. He looked everywhere but at Lando.  
“Have you looked in a mirror? You’re covered in blood, and you’re about as pale as a corpse! And what about her?”  
“She healed me. It’s fine. We’re fine.” Ben said, his voice faint. The girl looked like she was alright, just sleeping. But Ben looked as if he’d seen a ghost. He was shaking like a leaf and Lando could tell he was not alright.  
“Kid, (Although he wasn’t a kid anymore was he? He was fully grown, taller than he had any right to be and built with thick muscle) I think you should sit down. You don’t look so good.” He in fact looked all the world like a terrified kid. He began to shake his head slowly, as if he was having an argument with someone who wasn’t there. Then he started to back away as he began to gasp in panic. Even his lips went bloodless and Lando gasped “Sit down!” in alarm. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do.   
When Ben hit the wall behind him he cried out and then crawled into the corner and curled up as much as a man his size was able to. Lando just stared for a moment in shocked disbelief. What the hell had happened to him? He’d never seen the kid so afraid. Leia’s warning came back to him: _‘Don’t you dare hurt him, Lando! He was forced to do what he did- all of it. Don’t you dare touch him, he’s had more than enough punishment.’_  
The kid was losing it fast, breathing too quickly, even as he tried to make himself smaller. Lando felt his guts twist. He remembered Han’s reservations about sending Ben away and his grief after. He remembered Han feeling useless to help his boy when he was flinging his toys about with his mind. But after word had gotten out about the temple and Ben was nowhere to be found Han had been inconsolable. So had Leia. And whatever had happened must have been truly terrible, Leia had only barely explained that Ben had been found by the young girl in the bed and had gone to rescue him. But still a part of Lando was howling with rage. This kid had killed Han, one of Lando’s best friends. But if Leia said the kid had literally had no choice, he believed her. That didn’t mean it was true. It was what Leia believed, hell maybe the kid believed it too. He didn’t know or care.  
Until he saw Ben Solo huddled in the corner gasping and sobbing, his back wet with blood. He’d known many cold-blooded killers in his time. He’d never, ever seen one cry, or even feel fear. Those type of men felt nothing at all. This kid clearly was not one of them.  
“Alright.” Lando said, his voice low. “Calm down. It’s- everything is fine.” Ben continued to gasp and shudder and cover his head as if awaiting fists or feet. Lando held his hands up and inched closer. “You need to relax, kid. Slow down okay? Can you do that? Just breathe nice and slow.” He wasn’t. He turned so his back was to the wall, his gasps short and sharp. He was going to pass out if Lando couldn’t get him to calm down. “Ben, I know you can do this. Come on breathe kid, nice and slow.” Ben sucked in a quick breath and proceeded to hold it. “No, no! I said breathe! Come on, you can do it.” Ben drew in another gasp and held it. “Kid, please, it’s okay. Everything is fine. Just breathe slowly. Don’t try and hold it in. Can you do that?” He heard movement behind him and nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt a hand on his arm.  
“I’ve got him.” The pretty girl said. She looked exhausted, but Lando didn’t try to stop her. He wasn’t helping, but perhaps she could. She slumped down next to Ben and gently ran her fingers through his hair. He froze for a heartbeat then finally dared to glance at her. His eyes were swollen and red and tears spilled down his cheeks. “You’re alright, Ben. It’s okay.” His face crumpled in anguish.  
“It's not Rey! Palpatine is alive!” He cried. Lando felt his heart freeze in his chest.

The girl (Rey) held Ben as he sobbed breathlessly. Lando felt his face go numb with shock. Palpatine was a ghost. Palpatine was dead and gone long ago. But something inside him could not accept it as true. He stumbled to the cockpit and called Leia.  
“What the hell is going on?” He managed to gasp before Leia could even speak. “He says Palpatine is alive, Leia. How can that be?” Leia looked horrified.  
“But he can’t be! Luke said that Vader killed him!”  
“I know. But your son is having a meltdown over it- is this usually behavior, or..?”  
“Lando, listen to me: He’s been abused his whole life, right under my fucking nose. And then Han and I handed him to that monster on a platter.”  
“But that was Snoke-” Leia scoffed.  
“They’re both the same hideous person. They both want the same thing, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out they were working together. Even if they weren’t, which I doubt, it doesn’t matter. If he’s still alive, he’ll want my son and Rey. He’ll want them just like he wanted Vader, Luke, and me. Ben can’t go back to that, it will kill him. And Rey would sooner die than become the pawn of that scum. We have to find him. We have to find him and kill him.”  
“We?!” Lando gaped. “I appreciate the vote of confidence-” Leia’s short laugh cut him off.  
“Not you and I in particular, no. But I can’t put my son anywhere near Palpatine’s grasp if he is truly alive. He’s… he’s too damaged. He’d throw his life away to protect Rey, but I don’t want him to have to do that. He’s endured more than anyone his age should have to. He needs to rest. He wanted to build a new lightsaber, that’s why he’s there. He likely needs it just to feel safe, to know he can defend himself. But I just wish he would come home. The Resistance can handle Palpatine. If he truly lives…”  
“He looked like a shriveled mummy back when we were kids, Leia. How is that possible?” Leia winced.  
“With someone that powerful it’s not impossible. And those Sith, they have done gruesome and depraved things to get what they want. But I will need indisputable proof that he is alive.”  
“This is the first time I’ve heard his name in decades, how the hell are we going to get proof?” Leia’s smile was wicked.  
“Leave that to me.”

Lando knocked politely on the door to the captain’s quarters and Rey answered. She was pale and tired, but offered him a smile. Ben lay in bed, snoring softly.  
“Is he okay?” Her smile fell at that. She shrugged.   
“Had to make him take a pill.” She murmured, as if that explained everything.  
“Cloud city is close. You need supplies that I can give you.”  
“We need to check the temple first. He left Leia’s lightsaber in there. We came here for parts, and we’re not leaving until we look.” Lando nodded in acceptance.  
“I’ll give your droid the coordinates to my dock. You can meet me when you’re finished here.”

Ben awoke slowly, he ached everywhere. His thoughts were a confusing jumble that was not easily sorted. He heard Rey talking to someone and he lay still, just listening to her voice.  
“-still sleeping. I had to make him take a pill.” Rey said.  
“That bad, huh?” The voice was familiar but Ben couldn’t place it. A part of him wondered if he should be angry that she was discussing him and his many faults with someone else, but he knew that she needed someone to talk to. Someone not him. Someone who she could trust. He knew Rey trusted him, but he also knew that Rey had friends. Friends she likely missed dearly and hadn’t seen since she left the Resistance to save him from Alric. He couldn’t deny her their companionship, even if it made him uncomfortable to be their topic of conversation.  
“He had to fight a girl, she was a Sith.” Rey hissed the word with loathing. “She said that Emperor Palpatine still lives, that he created Snoke and used him like a puppet. Ben- he was terrified. I could feel it so strongly that it woke me up, and after I heal him I’m usually out for hours.”  
“Oh Gods!” The man she was talking to gasped. “You mean killing Snoke did nothing?!” Rey heaved a sigh.  
“Not entirely. If Ben hadn’t he would still be with the First Order now and I would be dead.”  
“Yeah, I always wondered about that, don’t you?”  
“What do you mean?” Rey asked.  
“You know he killed Snoke for you, right?” Rey sighed again.  
“Yes. I do know that. I just wish he would have done it for himself much sooner.”  
“Me too.” Ben released a jaw-cracking yawn that he couldn’t contain and heard Rey say: “He’s awake. I’ll talk to you later.”   
“Okay Sunshine.” Ben scowled at the nickname. It was cute and frankly it irritated him. He didn’t want any man giving her pet names. It felt wrong somehow. He lay there feeling annoyed and itchy and he looked down at himself and realized he was still covered in blood, both his and Yura’s. He shuddered in disgust, wrenching his shirt off as Rey walked in. She gave him a soft smile that made his displeasure melt away.  
“How are you feeling?” She asked with a pretty smile. Ben grimaced.  
“Gross. Itchy, too. I need a shower now.” He stood with a wince. Rey frowned.  
“Are you hurt?” Ben shook his head with a small smile.  
“Just sore. Nothing to worry about.” He said and hurried off to wash the blood off his skin.

The warm water felt so good, he groaned in relief. But the feeling was temporary. It wasn’t long before he began to fret about the Emperor- or Darth Sidious as he’d been known by the Sith. He knew Yura hadn’t lied, he’d torn through her mind more violently than he had anyone else (that he could recall anyway). He’d been driven by fear and rage and it had amplified his power. Rey had to know what he’d done. Did she despise him for it? Did it disgust her? Or did she understand like she always seemed to? He wasn’t sure and he didn’t know if he could bear to hear her answer.   
He needed to shave, but he didn’t feel like doing more than getting clean. They needed to search the temple. He needed a weapon. He needed to get his mother’s saber back as well. He shouldn’t have left it lying there amid the wreckage. And Yura’s body.. Should he drag her to the dock and kick her over the edge or just leave her to rot? She was a Sith. He found he didn’t much care what happened to her body. Had he died on the Finalizer he would probably have gotten tossed in the airlock and thrown out like trash as well. Had he died with Alric he would likely have dragged Ben to the nearest lava field and pitched him in to burn away until not even bone was left. So why did he care about someone who tried to kill him?  
He didn’t understand his own mind sometimes. He stepped out of the shower and toweled off and looked in the mirror. He looked like shit. His eyes were bloodshot, his face was scruffy, and the skin under his eyes was dark like a livid bruise. He still felt groggy from the pill Rey had begged him to take. He winced at the memory. He had held her so tight, he’d probably bruised her. He vaguely remembered Lando Calrissian trying to comfort him and grimaced. That man probably wanted to beat the life out of him. He didn’t want to know what his mother had told him to gain his compliance. And he definitely did not want to see him again, but he was certain he would not leave Bespin without seeing the man again.  
He changed into fresh clothes and felt marginally better, but his stomach was feeling sour. He was growing used to it, though, and tried not to think about it.

Rey was eating a bama bar when he found her.   
“I’m ready when you are.” He said. Rey patted the chair next to her.  
“Have something to eat first.” He felt his stomach churning uneasily and shook his head.  
“I’m not hungry.” Rey’s eyes narrowed immediately and he fought not to cringe.  
“When did you eat last?” He shrugged, avoiding her gaze. “Ben. Look at me.” He winced but complied. Her scowl softened and he reasoned that he must present quite a pitiable sight.  
“I’m not hungry.” He demanded, sounding petulant even to himself. He frowned as he looked away again and heard Rey sigh.  
“You need to eat.” She insisted.   
“Later. I will later.” He promised. She scoffed and he glanced at her quickly. “I swear, Rey. I will. But I have too much to do right now.” He didn’t want to tell her that he was certain that anything he ate would immediately get thrown up. She was already worried enough. She shook her head and looked ready to argue more. “Please, Rey. I’m fine, I swear.” He probably wasn’t and her dubious expression said as much, but he needed to search the temple before he did anything else.  
She sighed deeply and stood from the table.  
“Alright Ben.”

The temple no longer reeked of death thanks to Yura. She had opened every window and door when Ben had arrived and he was still glad of it. He stalked over to her corpse and snatched up his mother’s lightsaber and handed it to Rey.  
“Let’s split up. We’ll cover more ground faster.” Ben said. Rey nodded and they left the main chamber, him taking the hall to the left and Rey taking the right.   
It was obvious once he entered the first room that the temple had been abandoned with haste. He was in the galley and the cloying scent of thick dust and rot made him sneeze repeatedly. The next few rooms were empty but for blank screens and chairs. Nothing useful. He found living quarters next, but found nothing of worth amidst the disarray.   
_‘Ben, come here!’_ He heard through the bond and he felt Rey’s excitement. He hurried to the main chamber and to the hall Rey had gone down and found her in a room full of weapons.  
“Jack pot!” He cried with a grin. Finally some good luck! There were blasters of every shape and size. “How did they not find this?”  
“The door was hidden. I felt a call.. Or not a call exactly..”  
“A pull?”  
“Yes. That’s it exactly.” She grinned. There were fully constructed sabers and enough pieces and parts to build five or six easily. Not to mention several tool kits to assist their construction.  
“Finally.” Ben sighed in relief.  
“We’re taking everything.” Rey stated. Ben nodded rapidly.   
“Of course.”   
“We can keep a few things, but-”  
“I know what you want to do with the rest, Rey. I’m not arguing.” She smiled beautifully at him and he felt himself flush as she pulled him close and wrapped her arms around him. He groaned softly as she pressed against him. Gods would he ever stop needing her? He knew he would never stop wanting her, and he had already wanted her for so long, just being this close made him ache unbearably. He shuddered in her arms and then they were kissing, her fingers were knotted in his hair. When she pulled away he couldn’t stop the whimper that slipped out and he felt his face flame even hotter. But she was just as flushed, and so lovely. Her smile was intoxicating and he felt himself grinning like an idiot.  
“Let’s pack this up, then we can go.” He groaned in dismay, he wanted to tear her clothes off, but she was right, as usual. He gazed at their find and found a blaster that he wanted, along with a wicked vibro-blade. Those he would keep, even once his saber was finished.

Loading everything into their small freighter was a pain in the ass, but Ben wasn’t about to leave anything behind. Even if Rey hadn’t been adamant about taking every last scrap. Even broken weapons she refused to leave behind. But it made sense. What was he, if not a broken weapon? And she hadn’t left him behind.   
By the time they were finished his stomach was in knots. He was hungry, but he still felt slightly ill. The thought of eating wasn’t a pleasant one. But he knew Rey would not allow him to skip another meal. When he entered the galley he winced at all the food she’d piled upon the table. Rey patted the seat next to her.  
“Come and eat.” She demanded. Ben heaved a huge sigh and sat beside her. “Why won’t you eat, Ben? You’re losing weight, I can tell.” She inquired softly, resting her head on his shoulder.  
“I just… I feel sick a lot. I- I don’t know why. Everything tastes like ashes. And I just don’t feel hungry anymore.”  
“Just eat as much as you can, please?” He nodded and dutifully began to force food in his mouth. He knew Rey was having a hard time understanding his reluctance, but she was trying to and that was what mattered most. He just hoped he could keep it down.   
He ate as much as he could, but if Rey’s frown was any indicator, it hadn’t been enough. But he couldn’t eat anymore. His stomach was gurgling angrily and suddenly he was sweating. He lurched to his feet with his hand over his mouth, breathing hard through his nose. Gods, what was wrong with him? “Ben are you okay?” Rey squeaked in alarm at his pallid face. He nodded rapidly, swallowing hard. He did not want to get sick. He knew he needed to eat. Why was everything so fucking difficult? He felt tears leak out of his closed eyes and then Rey was on her feet. “Okay, come on.” She slid under his arm and clutched his waist. “Come on, it’s okay.” She steered him to the bedroom and sat him on the bed, holding him close. “Just breathe, Ben. Try to relax. I know this is hard, but I also know you are being too hard on yourself.” He shivered and swallowed rapidly. _‘Please don’t, please don’t!’_ Was all he could think. _‘I won’t get sick, I won’t!’_ He was so tired of being weak, of feeling sick all the time. Rey rubbed his back and slowly the nausea dissipated. He felt exhausted afterward, and his clothes were damp with sweat. He felt an angry throbbing behind his eyes and moaned miserably. “Shh, it’s okay. Just lie down and relax. You need to sleep and you’ll feel better.” She was lying, and he knew it. But he also knew that she was more than alarmed at his visceral reaction to a small bit of food. She was terrified. He could feel it. “Maybe it will be easier if you just have small snacks throughout the day, what do you think?” She asked with false cheerfulness. He nodded wearily, the throbbing behind his eyes growing worse.

When he woke next the pain in his head was so intense his whole body began to shake and a tortured sob tore from his throat before he could stifle it. Rey sat up in bed with a gasp.  
“Ben! What’s wrong?!” She cried, but he didn’t hear her. Instead he heard a voice he prayed he’d never hear again hissing in his mind: _‘A broken tool can be repurposed. A broken tool can be forged anew.’_ Rey heard the voice and gasped in terror. The pain grew even worse and Ben began to scream.


End file.
